Relapse. I had a quiet afternoon by myself. I was watching a comedy show on my phone lying down on the couch. I was on youtube. As I surfed I found a P sub and started feeding the monster. I wasn't even touching myself. Just gyrating while lying on my back the friction from my belt was enough. I kept telling myself, it doesn't count because this isn't P. Or, this doesn't count because I didn't touch myself. It is kind of like a wet dream in the day time! What fickle people we are that we are so good at justifying our sins against the Most High God. I felt incredibly depressed afterwards, the worst I have felt in months. I felt dirty. Unlovable. Distant from God. All the things that I have had a lifetime of battling. I am writing this in my journal so that I can look back on my relapse and the feelings thereafter and know that I don't want this again! I shouldn't be surprised. For the last few days I have been fraternizing with P subs. I should have known better. I am yet to find an example of someone on NoFap who has given into Psubs and was then able to get the train under control again. This time around I am going to include P subs in my counter as suggested by @Shykneeb . I have been hesitant to include P subs before because I know that we are all bombarded with P subs daily. I didn't know how to quantify what constituted as a P sub. For the sake of my counter, I will reset my counter if I so much as I make a click on my computer that I know will contain arousing content, and my motivation is to be aroused. If I had included this the first time round I would have reset a week ago. Despite my wretchedness I am comforted by the knowledge of the grace of Christ. Yesterday I listened to a sermon on Ruth 1. I was touched that God was leading Naomi back into a covenant relationship with him even in the depths of her sin induced depression. I am thankful that this God is my king.
Don't beat yourself up brother. We've all been there, a thousand times. I'm 47 and have struggled since childhood. Let's just encourage each other to get back up and set our sights on eternity! He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. John 12:25 That's so key isn't it: Don't love your life in this present world, but do EVERYTHING for eternity's sake!
@theroadofsactification you can't go back. You can't change what you did. Only forward. What can you learn from this experience? Your statement is in alignment with my experience too. Once someone starts looking at psubs they can't get back on track. God loves you brother. More than you could ever dare to imagine. Allow His love to comfort you and compel you to holiness. Meditate on it and accept It all of its richness.
Here is our Catch-22: When we beat ourselves up for it, our lower moods make us more likely to seek out porn. You want proof you are lovable, proof you are pure? The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him "with us is God." And if you noticed this already happened, yes. That's the point.
For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. We are made in God's image, we can overcome the world with all it's enticements! So much of it is discipline. Align your thoughts with God's righteous standard, and the rest will follow! Sometimes we have to do this 30 times a day.(or more) Mr "Road to Sanctification", this describes you brother: But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. Day and Night! I challenge everyone here on this forum to do this, including my self! You cannot watch porn and meditate in His law at the same time!!!!
i relapsed on day 14 , weird thing i conquered M . its more than 50 days . but i looked at P . so now i "relapsed "
