Relapsed after 8 months free

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by ssj4goku1992, Aug 12, 2020.

  1. ssj4goku1992

    ssj4goku1992 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys,

    So basically I am porn and masturbation free since December 2019. I have been on this journey for a very long time, I m 27 years old, addicted since I was 13 and trying to get rid of the addiction since 2012 when I was 19 years old.

    I had a lot of cycles of being pmo free for a period of time then binge relapsing again and again for all of these 9 years. Also realised I have Ocd which in my case manifests in an obsession of having the perfect rebooting process otherwise I want to quit, relapse and start it all over again....

    Since December 2019, also being the start of my current relationship, I was pmo free until last Saturday. I was watching some pics on instagram of a former model that I liked, searched for her naked pictures, in the end found myself on a porn site. I have to say that I had multiple encounters with naked pics and vids of girls during this time, a few even searched by myself, but just looked, turned the page over and nothing happened. I truly believed myself to be a free, non pornography addict anymore who can look at a pic or a video of a girl or a sex scene and not lose his mind in a masturbation fueled frenzy. And that actually seemed to be true until last Friday...

    After looking at that naked girl pics I decided to check my libido with a porn site. I m still very disappointed with my libido, I use ED meds all the time when I have sex even though I reduced the dose dramatically and I seem to be ok once every few days or so to have sex even without pills. Even once every 2 days. But still, a 27 year old young man should have a libido of at least once or twice sexual activity per day.

    So I wanted to see if porn was still the issue and check my arousal at it. No arousal. Looking at many clips. Awesome I said. Let s check masturbation without porn. Went very well. I practiced edging periodically but wanted to check again ( masturbation exercise without orgasm for premature ejaculation). Tomorrow morning felt the urge to go on a porn website again. This time to also masturbate. Did it for a little then went to my gf and had sex two times in two days with her and felt far more aroused than with porn. I was so grateful.

    But Monday when I left her... All hell broke loose when I woke up on Tuesday. Session after session I lost myself in a crazy world of addiction. I had no idea that my entire being and sense of self could change like that in a day. Cravings? Off the charts. (3 days ago there were 0 Cravings even if you d show me a porn clip). Depression? I feel like the world ended. Anxiety? I m so scared of going back to my old self and losing everything. Brain fog? I can t think straight or concentrate for more than 5 seconds. Motivation? All of my bodybuilding plans, my training and nutritional program which I followed to a T, now I can t give 2 shits about it. Work? The same. Sleeping? No way, my mind is on another plane. Ocd is permanently telling me that I fucked up in some way and need to quit and start a perfect reboot again. Brushing teeth? Who cares... Applyng my hair loss prevention medication? Who cares?...

    I became a shell of myself in 1 fucking day. The actual true relapse happened Tuesday. By the end of Tuesday I changed completely. I swear that it almost seems magical. It s like my 8 months self shattered with a fucking session of masturbating to a clip of people having sex. I feel I should be interviewed by Discovery channel, it s insane... I will go and spend some time with my gf, about 2 weeks in like 2 and a half days. I m scared to not completely destroy myself until then... I destroyed myself these 2 days. Tuesday and Wednesday. I know that 2 goddamn days can t delete 8 months but I feel like I m in hell... Again I don t know how to get up and be back... I was a fool... I realise this is a disease that I will NEVER be healed of and I ALWAYS need to take care of it otherwise it WILL come back and destroy my life...

    Any advice or just pieces of encouragement?... It will be highly appreciated to help myself rise again from this hell...
  2. Darren hutto

    Darren hutto Fapstronaut

    Don’t give up man I’m single and it’s so hard to quit the withdrawals are so bad man but I ain’t giving up
  3. Back up for a second. Really think about it: did you really destroy yourself?


    8 months of solid progress doesn't go away in 2 days. Your work hasn't been in vain and you can still get back on that horse before it's too late. Much in the same way though, over 13 years of addiction don't go away in 8 months.

    So what I have to tell you is: struggle through those 24 hours. Don't binge. Forget everything else, that's your sole focus. Then the next 24 hours and then the next, until you're 3 days free. Then, reclaim your life back and think of this as a minor slip.
    DesertExplorer and runner0424 like this.
  4. runner0424

    runner0424 Fapstronaut

    I relapsed twice after 6 months or so from porn each time. I’m currently 6 months and a day or so free from that relapse.

    I have learned a lot in my struggle with porn. One, is what triggers me. A lot on the internet and tv triggered me(seeing beautiful women). I believe my last relapse was super bowl halftime show, I didn’t relapse that night, but like a week or two after it, but those images stayed with me and I kept wanting more, even after 6 months.

    I also researched And watched videos of the science behind it all and it releases dopamine In your brain and scary how the addiction can become when I thought I could control it.

    the ways I feel like I have conquered it for good was that I had my wife put in an adult filter password that I don’t know what it is(it could be a friend if not married). It’s my backup plan when having a bad day and can’t see the adult sites. I also don’t watch shows that could trigger me and try to turn my head if I think a scene is coming. More importantly though, I have really grown in my faith with God. I have listened to so many sermons on temptations and that has helped me tremendously. Rick Warren and Greg Laurie are 2 of my favorites and have helped me a ton!! I learned about all the garbage I was putting in my mind. The analogy was how we have to watch what we eat, we can’t eat McDonald’s fried food every meal without bad consequences, the same thing applies with what you consistently put in your mind.

    Don’t beat yourself up. You aren’t the only one going through this. I had those feelings after I relapsed. I had extreme guilt for being married. Just learn why it happened, it seemed like the triggers had started before the actual relapse.

    Hopefully this helps and try and learn as much as possible and avoid whatever gets you tempted and triggered. Get going on another streak and make it a lifestyle change and don’t beat yourself up if you have a relapse. Just learn from it and keep trying to do better.
    Andreid likes this.
  5. runner0424

    runner0424 Fapstronaut

    I also had a 24-48 hrs of being depressed and feeling sorry for myself after I relapsed. Try and turn this into a positive, you might be in position one day to help others who are struggling with it with your experiences. That mindset helped me after my last relapse.
  6. ssj4goku1992

    ssj4goku1992 Fapstronaut

    Thanks to all of you about the responses.

    After I posted this I listened to Jordan Peterson's benzodiazepines withdrawal journey on youtube and made me see things a little bit into perspective. What a horrible state for a great man... I felt like I was not alone in this if Jordan Peterson is also having his own journey and a far worse one to be honest...

    I woke up and looked at the rest of the video. Read your responses here and felt better. I will clean up the room, eat, go to the vet, go to work, etc. I am ready to feel all kinds of withdrawal symptoms but face and contain them. Just for this day. Then for one more day. And then for one more... And go back on my 8 months track and give the middle finger to these days... I ll post here daily at least for the beginning, detailing my symptoms in this situation. If anybody is interested in reading it or chiming in, you re my guest.

    Wish all of you a speedy and good recovery as well!
    runner0424 likes this.
  7. thikk

    thikk Fapstronaut

    Just to add I don't think you should still be taking ed pills, be careful this is not turning into another problem. It's usually recommended that we try to have normal sex from about day 60. They'll be fails here but just keep trying. I have also seen reports of pied taking up to 8 months to heal. Although this was not pure hardmode, and once true hardmode was done they were completely healed in two months. But you need to find a way to try having sex without pills at some point. And I think you may have gone past that point unless I don't have the full details.
  8. ssj4goku1992

    ssj4goku1992 Fapstronaut

    I slowly tapered the ed pills dose down to where I was taking a low dose recently. I intended of lowering it once more and then go without it, taking things easy and progressive.

    I m in bed now, I ll go to the vet and work in half an hour. My mood seems to swing between very confident, positive with great energy and a little down, thinking about the past, fearing the future... Things like that. I have some degree of anxiety about the world overall right now, like i m a bit afraid of things, i can t even seem to put it in proper words.

    But all of this was expected and taken into account of course, it s my first day after these 2 days breakdown. Day by day I ll go back to normal.

    Actually in regards to the pills, I think they can be a great help if you have sexual issues, slowly tapering them down as your issues resolve until you use none. I think it makes for an easier and more enjoyable recovery process in my point of view.
  9. thikk

    thikk Fapstronaut

    I just feel that 6 months clean and still on pills is a bit too much. The only cases I have seen so far where pied took more than 7 months to heal hardmode was not being practised. In one case, a man went 6 months with slow improvement, he was married so the wife relieved him occasionally, however following a true hardmode pued was gone in 2 months. Of course duration of healing depends on the person and severity of addiction, but I still think going 6 months clean and using pills is excessive. I mean, after successful 90 days people struggle to overcome anxiety to perform etc. If you have decided to stay in the 'comfort' of pills past the point you should have been healed let's hope you do not develop separate anxiety issues due to the prolonged use of pills.
  10. Smoky

    Smoky Fapstronaut

    This is just my opinion.
    You need to take a break of NoFap. Be careful, I'm not saying that you have to go and watch porn and all that stuff. NO, don´t.

    What I'm saying is that NoFap usually is addictive too. You are there, commiting to something and when we stumble or fail, we kill ourselves. You have already stayed 8 months free of porn. That's an amazing achievement.

    When you are thinking about NoFap and all this, once you make a mistake, you think your life is a mess and that you are not worth.
    That is not right. You have been commiting for 8 months and you are fighting to remove something that is wrong. That is called self-love.
    I'm proud of you.

    If I were you, I would do the following:

    1)I would not watch porn nor fap.
    2)I will finish reading this.
    3)I won´t login here until I feel a bit better.

    But unfortunately, that is just my opinion.

    Take care mate!
    You've been doing so well and I'm sure you'll be fine.
  11. ssj4goku1992

    ssj4goku1992 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys,

    Thanks for chiming in. I appreciate all opinions and messages :)

    I m at work now and felt the need to write a bit about my day, put my thoughts in order a little. Today I seem to alternate like a bipolar person between stages of euphoria ( everything will be ok, it was just a mistake to show me what I did wrong, I ll kill this, I ll so heal and be back better than ever, being highly motivated and positive) and depression/anxiety ( everything is so bad, I ruined so much, I feel so bad, I m so afraid of the future and so sad about the past)...

    I knew and realised that I will have more of the second part and less of the first part in the beginning. And slowly but surely I d have less and less of the bad and more of the good.

    I d have to say that this day was very manageable until now except one moment.

    I saw a woman at the gym and her breasts were showing. I was switching between "look like you did before, be normal, everything s ok" and "don t look, it s not ok, if you look and i know you will it will be a mistake". I tried to look normally as I did before when I saw an attractive woman on the street and I felt like a blast of guilt, shock, anxiety and cravings to use porn and masturbation to feel better. And 3 days ago I would have no issues, I mean I have sex with my gf all the time and of course check other women too...

    For about 30 mins I worked and my mind was in a blank state. Now when I write it, I realise what a ridiculous piece of anxiety thought it is but I need to be at peace with the fact that I will have all kinds of challenges to get back to normal.

    Other than that I have a general anxiety and fear of people...And a specialised one. My nipples have become very sensitive and whenever I feel them a wave of anxiety hits my body and I feel very weird and fearful in general. I have moments when people come and talk to me and I feel like killing them. I have moments when I d like to disappear together with everybody else. I have moments when I d like to slam my head against the wall. Recovery is the highest priority to me right now. I can t feel like this anymore...
  12. ssj4goku1992

    ssj4goku1992 Fapstronaut

    My libido is still not very impressive... Some times it is, some times it is not... I don t know...
  13. ssj4goku1992

    ssj4goku1992 Fapstronaut

    I h
    I haven t logged in here in over a year... I felt like people and their words would help me a bit
  14. ssj4goku1992

    ssj4goku1992 Fapstronaut

    The last 30 minutes since I wrote that I feel like i m in hell. Friends came and talked to me ( i work in a gym). I talked to some about this. I feel even worse. I feel bad. Very bad. Like end of the world bad. I can t focus to save my life. I just feel dreadfull. I don t even know how to describe it. It s like my very existence brings pain to myself. I feel numb and empty. I hate myself and everything around me. I want to get out of this hell.
  15. ssj4goku1992

    ssj4goku1992 Fapstronaut

    After 10 more minutes i seemed to feel very well talking to my friends. Now after they left I feel again like i did something wrong and should quit and start again. Even if I know that it is a lie. Ocd plus porn addiction talking. I just need to to have this day in the bag and the next one and then go to my gf and spend the next 2 weeks with her...
  16. Very true.
  17. I just wonder my brother .Were the women you saw inappropriately dressed or normal dressed?
  18. Congratulations on your 8-month streak, man. But you should stop testing yourself with the P site. It's nice to be confident, but you don't need to go to the P site and test yourself. PMO sneakily sabotages our subconscious.Maybe there is a movie you want to watch, you can confidently and try to watch it even though there are triggers. This is acceptable but the P site is not.Frankly, I wouldn't recommend watching R rated movies.You can rise again. The world has not come to an end.It is normal to feel bad, this feeling keeps us from relapsing.Good luck , comrade !
  19. runner0424

    runner0424 Fapstronaut

    Quit beating yourself up. Every single person makes mistakes and screws up. Maybe not addicted to porn, but in other areas. We all sin and have that sinful desire. Work on putting good things in your mind, listen to a sermon, read a book, listen to some music, exercise. Slowly get your mind feeling better. It isn’t going to happen overnight, just like this addiction didn’t happen overnight either.
  20. thikk

    thikk Fapstronaut

    Considering the posts you made I think you have not moved past pmo, just my opinion. Regardless of your current relapse situation, you went past the required 'duration for healing' yet you seem to have no confidence to perform (you really need to stop hiding behind pills) and of course it's not surprising that relapse happens. I think you could be facing 3 situations;
    1) You do not have a strong motivation to quit so you keep pmo and asssociated issues in your mind despite an 8 month streak.
    2) You have too much time on your hands, no goals to focus on, relationships to build etc. These would keep you busy, and natural relationships would keep your mind off pmo.
    3) You have many underlying issues that should be treated alongside your pmo but you are attributing the issues to pmo. In which case you should separately find help for your anxiety and all those other issues.
    Could be a combination of these factors too, but the fact that you cannot go past pmo is striking.

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