Relationship Monotony/Monogamy Challanges

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Carbon Icon, Feb 17, 2016.

  1. WantToBeAMan

    WantToBeAMan Fapstronaut

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    I have previously been married (more than once -- and for over 10 years each time).

    I have always had a PMO problem, and as well other problems beyond that involving cheating. I have worked very hard on these issues and am finally (and successfully) tackling the PMO issues. I have read lots of the stuff about non-monogamy. I have been in these guys' positions of wanting other women all the time. Both in addition to and to the exclusion of my wife. It's pretty clear to me at this point that when I was married, I selected quickly and poorly (probably related to issues associated with my addiction).

    In my present relationship of over 2 1/2 years, I'm very comfortable with the idea of monogamy. My g/f is the only person I want to be with, I very rarely fantasize about others. The loving feelings that I have with our sex are beyond anything I have experienced with anyone, and it's by far the best sex of my life (and there is little special physically about it). This is a big change from my marriages, and was not really related to letting go of PMO (I have felt this way since I have been with her). However, in the process of letting go of PMO, it's becoming even clearer to me that she's the partner I want.

    My suggestion is that we need to first fix our issues associated with our compulsions/addictions/whatever, and then, once this is done, we can see what we have and what we want. Maybe you split up, maybe you don't wish to be monogamous. But when our brains are so fogged, it's very hard to tell which end is up. It's all good IMHO, but the real answers can be totally foreign, elusive, and unexpected while we are consuming our drugs.
     
  2. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    I've never had a problem with monogamy. Period.
     
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  3. Serial1

    Serial1 Fapstronaut

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    Been with my wife 28 years. Married for 23 or 24. Very hard to keep it fresh and sexually active. Lots of cycles of change, but sexually always less and less active. But since I've taken responsibility for my part in our declining intimacy and my pmo habit, I feel much better. Still struggling, happy to have found this group and supportive community. I'm already finding as I wean off the pmo that I can focus more on connecting with the wife, less sex expectation, and more focus on other activities. AND I still desire more intimacy...
     
  4. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    I think we can all agree that a biologically driven desire for multiple partners is not an excuse for PMO or Cheating.
    However I also think we do ourselves and our recovery a disservice if we try to pretend that this part of human nature does not exist (as some posters seem to be suggesting). I would guess that it is a challenge to maintain sexual desire and excitement in even the most dedicated, loving and successful relationships. I would like to explore this topic as I think it is likely the main challenge faced by successfully recovered PMOers.

    I recently read a book called Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan in which he outlines a very compelling biological and anthropological case for society to abandon monogamy and move back to the more historically successful community based mating and child rearing that was the norm for so much of human existence. I've yet to read a rebuttal of the book, so hesitate to fully embrace these views, but I do recommend it to anyone interested in this topic.

    I do, at the very least, believe that we live in a highly puritanical culture that strongly guides us into pursuing the nuclear family ideal which in reality is so far from the ideal way for us to live and interact. Combine this with the overwhelmingly misogynistic and pornographic aspects in our culture, and the isolation and loneliness so many people face, and it's no wonder that so many marriages are under so much strain.

    I'm looking for strategies to enable my marriage to continue to be successful. Obviously no more PMO is the first step. Nurturing intimacy with my partner is critical as well.
     
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  5. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    I fully understand your well explained position. I often had that questioning....

    My take on it is that we have to learn to be better. Not tibetan monk better, but grow up to another level.

    Most people know the Maslow "pyramid of NEEDS" (hierarchy of needs).

    maslow.png

    We need to work on getting higher up the pyramid. Sex is a basic instinct. the top of the pyramid deals with fulfilment of self, accomplishment, spirituality.

    It is MY BELIEF that its the way. What do you think?
     
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  6. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    I seen in the paper that some lawmaker want to push for having a written agreement from a wife to allow the doctor to prescribe the "bluepill". The older folks getting back in the game want too much sex, and the old ladies are either liking it, being coerced into it or just the the ol man to gtfo..

    Quote:
    A bill, HB 396, sponsored by Democrat Rep. Mary Lou Marzian of Kentucky, also called for a couple of visits to the doctor before buying the drug.


    "I want to protect these men from themselves," said Marzian, a nurse,


    The bill would also require doctors to "prescribe a drug for erectile dysfunction only to a man who is currently married" and "require a man to make a sworn statement with his hand on a Bible that he will only use a prescription for a drug for erectile dysfunction when having sexual relations with his current spouse."



    Not only we are in a monogamous relationship, but later in life, we're supposed to stop thinking about sex.
    There is work to be done to adapt!

    I mean I have no issues with monogamy. I wouldn't screw around behind my wife's back. i love her too much. But now that I'm a PMO addict, I understand better the need toe have the man fighting its "beast" urges.
     
  7. juswannabfree

    juswannabfree Fapstronaut

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    I think this a good topic and i often wonder the same thing in my marriage. The females posting in this topic need to understand that the men in here need other men for support and encouragement and not to feel belittled for what we are going through and how we think. Many men i know personally question monogamy and i commend the men in here for dealing with our issues instead of cheating on our spouse as the answer.
     
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  8. Serial1

    Serial1 Fapstronaut

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    Pretty heavy on the judgement there, Atonement. When youre into a long term relationship for a long time maybe you'll have a different experience. Maybe not. But it is true that many men struggle with monogamy and the differing sexual desires between partners. Judge me as you will but I've experimented with open relationship, sex outside my marriage, and am still in it to win it. I don't want to leave my partner, but sometimes it's a struggle. I hope it's easy and flowing for you and yours for many decades.
     
  9. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    I think we should aim for monogamy in general. It's probably hard for some, due to the COOLIDGE effect, seeking different mates.
    I have respect for open marriage people, their choice. I don't have what it takes to go that route. I'd be jealous, possibly develop low-self esteem in the long run.

    My personal goal is against the grain: I want to stay in a healthy loving relationship with my wife until we both die from old age. With the increasing amount of divorces, it's a challenge.
     
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  10. FredSamson

    FredSamson Fapstronaut

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    Read My post again...
     
  11. FredSamson

    FredSamson Fapstronaut

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    I
    I never said you have.

    Read my post again. I didn't say anything about what I think about monogamy or if I have problem with it.
     
  12. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    Well said bfree. The judgement is not helpful in any way (although I don't think it's just females). I'm on this forum being as honest as possible in order to be a better partner to my wife and to help make our marriage a continued success. Comments like this one...

    ... not only miss the point of the post, but also create a hostile environment that is not conducive to recovery. What is your objective for posting here Atonement? Are we to believe that any sexual thought (no matter how minor or fleeting) about a person other then our partners is a personal character flaw. A flaw so bad in fact that other's should find it nauseating or incomprehensible. This sounds an awful lot like Sunday school. Perhaps this is another example of religion doing a disservice to humanity.

    And btw my marriage is anything but a joke. It is the most valuable, rewarding and important thing in my life (tied with my kids). :)
     
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  13. FredSamson

    FredSamson Fapstronaut

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    And finally the thread is back on its topic
     
  14. FredSamson

    FredSamson Fapstronaut

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    Good post, all of the arguing that is not productive for this forum needs to stop. I am not pointing fingers Here but in general.

    I think the base for it is the completely different cultures that unite here. We all need to understand that and let some comments slide.
     
  15. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    I don't consider my beef with ISO arguing. What bothered me was that his outlook on monogamy was clouded by his PMO addiction. That's why I told him several times that he didn't even know what his sexual tastes were and to give it time to reboot.
    That said, encouraging post ISO.
     
  16. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    I've been rereading this thread and this comment stands out for me for a couple of reasons. Research seems to be pointing to a root cause of addiction being a lack of attachment. This makes a lot of sense to me. I don't think it is the only factor, but certainly a large contributing one in my case. Addiction has been a significant factor in my life (not just PMO) and having now not only survived but (mostly) overcome my addictions, I am able to look back now with some wisdom.

    I was raised in an environment where one parent was physically unavailable and the other emotionally unavailable/manipulative. I believe I carried this detachment into my adult life as I often feel I am not as emotionally engaged or responsive as others seem to be or expect. PMO/Drugs/Alcohol/YouNameIt are a very easy way to slip into this sense of detachment when ever life becomes uncomfortable.

    Now having been (mostly) PMO free (one minor relapse over 68 days) I feel the challenge perhaps has become to move outside of my detachment comfort zone into a more emotionally intimate relationship with my wife on a daily/routine basis. Emphasis here on the daily/routine part. I have no secrets and am fully open to my partner (I owe a lot of my healing to her support - and incredible patience ;) ) But being emotionally available on a daily basis is difficult and may be the key to overcoming PMO (for me) in the long run.

    Just thinking out loud here...

    I'd also like to reference I kindaknew's post as it was perhaps a useful bit of info that seems to have flown under the radar in this conversation.

    I think it makes a lot of sense. Question...

    If you accept the premise that yes humans have a biological driven imperative for multiple partners (let's start a separate thread if were going to debate that point), and that marriage is not the most conducive format for maintaining desire for one person (it's hard to get excited about your partner (man or women) while watching them lay on the couch farting and eating cheetoo's - lol), and if fostering emotional intimacy with your partner is the best way to be successful in monogamy, what would be some strategies for fostering intimacy and moving beyond our baser instincts?
     
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  17. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    [/QUOTE]I'd also like to reference I kindaknew's post as it was perhaps a useful bit of info that seems to have flown under the radar in this conversation.



    I think it makes a lot of sense. Question...

    If you accept the premise that yes humans have a biological driven imperative for multiple partners (let's start a separate thread if were going to debate that point), and that marriage is not the most conducive format for maintaining desire for one person (it's hard to get excited about your partner (man or women) while watching them lay on the couch farting and eating cheetoo's - lol), and if fostering emotional intimacy with your partner is the best way to be successful in monogamy, what would be some strategies for fostering intimacy and moving beyond our baser instincts?[/QUOTE]

    Well, those are 1 million dollar questions!

    For one: Stop farting and don't wipe your cheetos hands on your t-shirt. It's hard to stay in good standing all the time! I'm just saying that its something that's in front of us, an avenue to explore. Yes men are maybe set for failure somehow when you factor-in the COOLIDGE effect.

    Fostering emotional intimacy is a job for both partners. It usually takes maturity to understand the need for it and years to develop your relationship with your life partner. The recipe will vary, but high level of trust, genuine support for your SO's projects, genuine feeling that your better half will cover your back...all this adds up.

    Life is in the way of emotional intimacy too...working long hours, young kids, stress, financial woes, etc causes tiredness. More chances for arguments. You have to learn being more diplomatic to avoid conflicts and /or minimize damages! Don't bring back your work issues at home..
     

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