Returning to the NoFap Community

Hi folks. I am a 24-year-old male who is seeking to confront what I believe is a masturbation problem. On January 18, 2021, I created a forum account. I am pleased to be here and I am grateful for the existence of NoFap and for this Internet community.

Perhaps I should disclose a few of my characteristics. During my high school years, I privately viewed sexually-explicit images of females as well as pornographic videos, and I would masturbate while looking at these images; subsequently, I struggled with feelings of shame and embarrassment, partially because I was behaving in a manner that conflicted with my teachings, including harsh discouragement towards masturbation and the evaluation of woman purely for sexual gratification.

During my third year of high school, I entered into an intimate relationship with a female and was predominantly occupied with the thought of having sex with her. We dated for several months and the relationship was dysfunctional. While dating, her family relocated and we maintained contact through messages and occasional telephone calls. The dysfunction was at its height during this period as I was addicted to communicating with her and would do so on a frequent basis. At some point, we agreed to masturbate with one-another over-the-phone; after this, we would masturbate together as often as we could. We separated shortly after I entered my fourth year of high school.

By my fourth year, I managed to separate myself from pornography but I continued the cycle of masturbation. I hid it from others and would engage in masturbation in private locations, usually in my bedroom or in the bathtub; this would occur between 1 to 3 times a week after I completed high school, maybe 2 to 5 times a week while in high school. I think the hormones began to settle down when I reached the age of 21 in 2017, where my habit reduced down to generally once a week, occasionally peaking at twice a week. I recall returning to sexually-explicit material sometime between 2016 and 2017. Today, and since 2018, I continue to masturbate though without the assistance of sexually-explicit media.

I understand this community provides support for those seeking to overcome a porn addiction, and what you just read may not suggest an issue with pornography. Instead, I believe I need assistance with my masturbation habit. While the frequency of masturbation is unobtrusive, I find the desire and craving for it can be. For instance, there are days I sleep poorly because I will wake up at least twice with an erection; sometimes I will find myself stroking my penis and I may continue to struggle with sleep until I masturbate.

Let me share with you some issues I have. First, I generally enjoy the feeling of masturbating, as well as the feelings of achieving an orgasm, but I will usually find myself disgusted, ashamed, and lonely/empty once I am finished. I believe my conflict with masturbation partially stems from the negative self-concept I carry. Fundamentally, I am convinced no woman would ever agree that I am attractive and, through examining the failure(s) of the aforementioned relationship, I restricted myself from entering into any intimate relationship with a female until I improve my behavioral health; I remain bound to this restriction. Of course, I have found that these qualities do not absolve me from carrying the desire to be with a woman and to engage with her intimately. Sometimes, particularly while I am lying in bed, I will entertain fantasies of being physically close to a fictional woman – touching her for instance. Also, I will occasionally experience dreams of having sex with a woman. These dreams are not of my own accord, only that I remember portions of them after waking up (I had one occur a few days ago).

My hope is I can interact with those who either have overcome their porn addiction or are seeking to overcome it to evaluate and address the root of my masturbation issues. Perhaps a good place to start is to discuss the dreams I have witnessed along with the despair of believing I am unattractive to others – although I am told beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

What does everyone else think?

 

Hi Gryf, thank you for your reply.

I think I will create a thread under one of the topic pages to discuss this belief, as the source of it and the manner in which it drives my behavior is complex in nature. Perhaps readers will relate to my words and they can offer their thoughts/opinions on the matter. At the least, I hope the disclosure will assist me in addressing why it is I believe I am unattractive. Where it goes from there is an unknown, but I am excited to see it pan out regardless.

It is a blessing to have this community.

P.S. Congratulations on three days abstaining from PMO!