Same shit, different year. VENTING. Any SO's relate?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by fadedfidelity, May 17, 2019.

  1. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    How long does one wait for their husband to give them the love language they need before moving on?? I gave up for a time and realized it just wasn't something he would do and I would have to go without it for the rest of my life. But why should I settle? Why stay unhappy until I die? It is such an easy thing to fix, but he does not.
    We have talked about it feverishly throughout the 20+ years since we have been together and I have been VERY BLUNT and honest without mincing words. This love language is THE MOST IMPORTANT to ME and to have him not following through again and again and again and again and again....I guess I should not be surprised.
    What is the point of begging or constantly asking for the love you need?? It's pathetic and I REFUSE to do it! Perhaps he really thinks that I am an ugly, fat, worthless, disgusting piece of shit and he just doesn't want to fake a compliment? Maybe I am a terrible mother and he hates me for not being able to do it all myself without frustration and without his "help"??
    I have had other people give me words of affirmation--men and what gives? He used to give me words of affirmation, but that was 24 years ago when we first dated. Then good ol' porn took over and I haven't seen but maybe 1 or 2 words of generic "compliments" every 30-60 days. ("Oh, you cut your hair.", "You look nice", "You are so kind") That weak stuff is something you say to your mother!! It should be easy to do this daily. It's not gifts and it doesn't cost a cent!!
    Apparently, I am good enough to give him sex/O when he needs it and wants it and of course to make his nofap challenge MUCH EASIER for HIM, but god forbid he show ME affection with words!! I am sooooooo pissed right now and so done with holding my breath. I give him the love language he wants most and then not get mine in return! Is that love? Is that what a wife should expect from her husband? Right now, I am holding back and not giving him any of it this time--No physical touch or quality time for him. Maybe a little sting back will open his eyes?!? Revengeful? Maybe. Am I bitter? Hell yes!! Am I hurt? Beyond crushed.
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Please don’t take it personally, his behaviour has nothing to do with you. He’s an addict...he’s going to do what addicts do and that’s drive everyone away who loves them.
    The more you try to convince him that you love him the more he’s going to push back and pull away.

    My PA knew exactly what my love language was/is..he refused to give it...over and over and over again...each time it felt like a stab wound. I finally said to myself, screw You...I’m taking care of me. Gave him a choice..step up or step out of the way. My hurt and pain which manifested physically became stronger than my love for him. I was done...and had no place to go..but that didn’t matter.

    He confessed his porn use and then proceeded to melt down saying he should leave , I said okay fine go. I don’t care any more. He’s been a tense and conflicted time together. We sleep on separate floors of the house...basically we are living as companions. Im done being used and abused. If I look back at our life together, I have done everything on my own anyway. Anytime there was a problem to solve, death, dying, abuse etc...he was no where to be found. I dealt with everything alone.

    I get the sense that you are a very intelligent, beautiful, independent woman....don’t take no shit...period point blank !!!

    Set your boundaries, set your limits and do not settle for less than the best...EVER.
    These guys (PA’s) often have some deep seated attachment issues. You’re not his therapist, porn police or mother , you are his wife and expecting him to meet your needs when he is active in his addiction is impossible for him.

    The best way to help him is to take extra special care of YOU...go for regular massages, get physical exercise, eat well and sleep deeply...let him go about his own business of spirally out of control, the sooner he hits rock bottom the quicker he’ll get into recovery...hopefully.
    It is a horrible place to be the wife of a porn /sex heart is with you..never sacrifice your life for an addict.
    Sending you love, strength and courage...
  3. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Aww, thanks for giving me what my husband cannot. ;-( You are sweet and I appreciate the smile you out on my face with the "....don't take no shit..period point blank!!!" You are awesome!
  4. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Yes, I know I should be taking care of myself but it has been very hard lately. I kicked him back to the basement spare bedroom tonight. I wish I would have done that last night, but suffered through getting almost no sleep. The thought of him being able to sleep so easily makes my blood boil.
    AND his "boo poor me" posts on nofap makes me feel like he wants more attention and sympathy from me instead of really opening himself and spilling it to fix things. Lately it's been, "Come take a walk with me", "Play computer games with me", "Come do yogo with me", me me. Am I able to do what *I* want for a fucking change?? I am tired of helping you fix your issue and the pressure and stress that come with it. No dates, no romance, no words of affirmation, no firm/assertive fathering of the kids, and outdoor yard stuff is a mess and has been for years. (Unfortunately, even though I would love to get it done, I cannot do it due to a health issue. So bending down and gardening or pulling weeds is not on my list.)
    Lostneverland likes this.
  5. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    The thing about it is, I don't want romance and dates with him anymore. It feels like a forced "playdate" with him. (Ya know, like when the kids were little and you had to meet up with other moms you didn't care for just so your kids could play?) That makes me sad.
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Hey you...yup I get it. I understand completely on the blood boiling issue of him sleeping peacefully etc...everything, and I mean everything you have written is exactly how I feel at times. You know when you’re being manipulated as well...always trust your gut.
    You must at all costs set up boundaries to protect yourself. I decided if he can’t hear me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated...then why am I putting up with his crap. The other day I told him he was a defiant little bastard. He immediately looked up the definition. His therapist told him he was an emotional 8year old having a temper tantrum. I’m to the point now where it’s clean up, grow up and show up...otherwise I won’t be here.
    My PA is participating in SA meetings and seeing a therapist, he’s taken a leave of absence from work and is trying hard. I give him credit for that. I’m working my own program.
    Believe in yourself, trust your gut, his issues aren’t about you not being’s about him not being able to deal effectively with his issues. That’s his problem to fix, not yours or mine.
    You have my support.. I understand everything you are growing will come out stronger as soon as you put you first. Don’t let him hurt you any more...ever.
    Love and hugs
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  7. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut


    What you're describing is normal... at least we've seen it in the couples we work with. Usually the guys thing, "I'm not PMO-ing! That should be enough."

    Well, the woman free of PMO too, shouldn't that be enough?

    Nope, he still expects her to meet his needs!

    You wrote:
    I have an idea coming to mind. It's a little extreme, but it just might work in your situation. If you're interested, private message me so I'll be notified.

    Otherwise, please know that it's normal for a guy to be this checked-out about his gal's needs. Usually our guys end up saying, "All I am to her is just a paycheck."

    But here's the thing: that's usually the only need we have that the guy takes seriously.

    He doesn't know we have 4-6 other needs... and even when he does know, he may not take them seriously.

    Can be extremely frustrating!
    hope4healing likes this.
  8. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut


    Another thing I've seen with partners is that usually around D-day anniversaries they say, "Shouldn't we be further along than this?"

    I did.

    It came around every year for about the first 5 years. "Shouldn't I be able to trust him more than this? Shouldn't he be meeting my needs more regularly? I thought we'd be further along than this!"

    So if it's around an anniversary, that may be playing into this as well.

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