scary sexual desires and no hope for a better future

It seems that having scary sexual fantasies (sissy, taboo...) and urges are a human universal, especially within those with open and flexible minds, whose brains are conditioned much faster and who have little fear of social rejection. No matter one’s sexual orientation which is about not just getting blood to one’s sexual organs but is wholesome and involving the potential of love and emotional connection, and desire of the character, the persona, not just parts of it.

Still it seems scary to have those arousing and taboo fantasies in the corner of one’s mind.

And that is what gives them so much destructive power, the fear and anxiety give the arousal an intensity, raise the significance of those fantasies and make it seem like something more essential, something that must be addressed now, and if not can destroy oneself and one's life. This is OCD at its normal. Sexual conditioning caused by immense amount of cleverly designed porn needs a long time to loose its power. All the associations of big penis with pleasure and arousal, all the taboo and anxious moments of orgasms need to come and go to one's mind. But if not taken as something of out most importance they will weaken eventually (use it or lose it), however as sexuality is the deepest, most difficult and most affecting aspect of human psychology, most of your sexual energy and its dynamics will remain chaotic and, seen under a bad light, even scary and depressing. No matter what, even if all this is wrong, several years are needed to go by without porn, to cure the wrongdoings of a decade of sexual “unnatural” bombardment of one's brain. It will be years of ups and downs, having different ways of sexuality depending on so many seemingly unrelated factors, don’t get depressed by this, you never know what the future holds, you always underestimate how good your future can turn out to be.

 

Actually the title "scary sexual desires and no hope for a better future" encompasses one of my biggest (arguably the biggest) doorway back to porn. Sometimes when I forget the inherent craziness of human sexual energy and that sexuality is not black and white, these "scary" desires really scare me, and the fear, desperation and anxiety are the things that make them attach to me and stay with me, eventually leading me to find some relief in porn, only (as I am sure you will know) to make it worse the next time. So thank you guys for your responses.

The intent of this post is to both help some other "desperate" and "scared" people on the path, and also for me to remember this because it is easy to forget this and expect (naively) your sexuality to be black and white and without any "strangeness", and then you will get hurt.