Sex does not take away loneliness!

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by DisciplineYourMind, Nov 7, 2015.

  1. DisciplineYourMind

    DisciplineYourMind Fapstronaut

    I've seen various posts and comments around the place that seem to suggest sexual intercourse is the ultimate end goal for a lonely individual.

    Many people are distressed by the fact that they are either a virgin, or aren't getting as much sex as they would like, and feel that by simply having more sex, their lonely or isolated feelings will go away.

    Many people seem to be doing NoFap for the sole reason that they are lonely and sexually inactive, and hope that the increased dominance given to them by the extra testosterone levels will get them more sex, and therefore take away the loneliness they are feeling.

    Note: I'm not criticising anybody for their motives. By all means, get what you like out of NoFap and give it your best shot. I'm just expressing my own views on things here.

    Now, think about this for a moment. Think of some reasons about why you got addicted to porn in the first place. Was it because you felt lonely? Did porn solve that? Nope. But you probably saw PMO as the next best thing to having sex. Does PMO still feel good? Sure. Did it solve anything? Nope.

    Now, imagine your sex life increased immensely. I'm not talking about relationships or anything here. Just sex. Would it feel better than PMO? Sure. But is the feeling itself what takes away the loneliness?

    Every time you get bored of a particular type of porn, you move on to something else, hoping that this will be the one that truly gives you the relief you're looking for. And it does momentarily. And then it goes. And then you look for something else. And the cycle repeats.

    See, sexual gratification isn't a cure for loneliness. It doesn't matter if you "have sex with yourself", or another person (for the sole purpose of having sex). You're only ever going to get the pleasure out of it, and that alone is not enough to make you feel not alone.

    Seek out human relationships. Seek out true human connections. Make friends - make friends of all genders. Don't be under the impression that (if you're male), men are for friends, and women are for sex. Women make equally great friends. Friendship is a great starting point for something special. There is no "friend zone". There is only your own reluctance to be assertive.

    So don't think sex will fix everything. Genuine human connections will. If you can connect with somebody in a non-sexual way, then maybe then you are ready to connect with them on a sexual level.

    Stay strong, fellow NoFappers!
  2. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

    That's great advice
  3. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I may be wrong, but I do not think that the reason many guys who congregate on this site and talk about loneliness is because they think they're not getting enough sex. I admit that porn gives you a skewed perception of the world, and that watching porn makes you see relationships more objectively. However I do not believe that it is purely sex that people are talking about when they say they're lonely. I think what people who are lonely are yearning for, is a healthy relationship with someone they're attracted to, or just a healthy relationship full stop. Sex is generally perceived to be part of a healthy relationship, which is where I think the association with sex comes from.
    XPiRED and Italian Guy like this.
  4. DisciplineYourMind

    DisciplineYourMind Fapstronaut

    Yeah that's probably true.

    Despite the account age stated on my profile (I created this account a while ago and never used it till now), I used to spend a lot of time in the /r/NoFap subreddit. The sex craving attitude is much stronger over there than it is here. Almost every second top post is about how somebody became a sex-god because of going without PMO, and how much girls crave them, etc.

    It's nice to see more balanced approaches to a healthy lifestyle on this forum. But hopefully my original post can still help some people.
    Dreon5, iborntobefree and NoBrainer like this.
  5. I do not know if there are some people who have sex because they are lonely, but I do know a lot of people fapping because they are lonely. I might be one of them. When you are lonely, combined with boredom, you start looking for something that relief yourself, and most of the time, ends up in porn and fapping. It is true that when you are fapping, for a moment you forget about your loneliness (maybe it is because of the certain hormone released), but after you finish, you will feel even lonelier than ever, especially if you are the religious type and your religion forbids masturbation. I myself am still trapped within this devil circle, but I will break free from this
    CrisNet and NoBrainer like this.
  6. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Oh yea. I have gotten that impression before. The Nofap subreddit is full of immaturity, maybe because it's reddit. :rolleyes: Maybe this is a generalisation but I get the impression that the people on the subreddit are using the 'lad' approach to nofap, so to speak. ;)
  7. Ducati

    Ducati Fapstronaut

    Pretty important point here. Thinking women are just for sex will make you nervous and awkward near women which is why NoFap is important. Set a goal of x days and see how you can be care free and smooth.
  8. DisciplineYourMind

    DisciplineYourMind Fapstronaut

    Yep, absolutely. When I'm on a long streak I can connect as friends with other women much more easily.
    Dreon5 and Ducati like this.
  9. docker

    docker Fapstronaut

    Sex has nothing to do with loneliness.
    Sex is a form of self expression.

    People through porn, masturbation or other sex forms wants to express their selves. We use multiple forms to do that. Sports, art, fun, entertainment, flirt, children and many other forms are just some of the expressions we can use. We have the need to express our ego. The common factor of all these is the feeling of love. How we love, how we express our self through love, how we give our love to others and especially how we share our love in our relationships. That's why when we don't love someone we don't want to do sex with that person. We don't have the need for doing that in such a way. You can understand now why after a while of avoiding masturbation, sex and porn we are getting closer to our feelings. We are getting close to love to our self and to others of course.

    People who lives isolated they must deal with this side, which has to do with love and how they expressing these feelings to others. Friends is an area in our life where we can receive love from the others. Think about it for a moment. We usually have friends for more years than our relationships because its the area in our life where we can receive truly love feelings. We are skeptics when we hear people of not having friends. Isn't? How we express our self, how we love is directly linked on how we loved, how we received the love in our lives from the first moment we stepped in life. And the way we receive and give our love to others has always to do with our value system and our self esteem, which is a product of how our parents raised us.

    Nofap is a challenge to reboot our system in this expression. That's why many guys claims that after a while they noticing increase in their self-esteem, confront women in different way, express their selves in a more confident way, change their manners, doing sports and they getting more social. Because they started to reboot the way of expressing their selves.

    They started to reboot the way of expressing their love to others.
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2015
    tin_man likes this.
  10. Andrew0268

    Andrew0268 Fapstronaut

    I joined SAA and am just beginning to learn these things. I think we seek out sex and PMO to fill holes in our psyche, emotions, and soul (whatever that might mean). We are seeking a physical solution for a problem that is spiritual in nature. And that's why it leaves us so unfulfilled and always wanting more. It's like trying to live your life on chocolate and cheetos. Sure it tastes good, but there is no nourishment.

    And yeah, potatoes and vegetables aren't as tasty as chocolate, but in the end they leave us healthy and strong whereas the junk just depletes us. Great post. I like posts that discuss the deeper nature of the problem. For some people PMO is just a bad habbit. And yeah quitting will leave you all sorts of benefits. But for those who are chronically lonely and unfulfilled, we need more work and deeper work. Abstinence only will not be enough. (not implying that abstaining will not be helpful, it surely will)
    anewcreature likes this.
  11. Phallosopher

    Phallosopher Fapstronaut

    Great post. I think the general theme here is that nothing temporary changes anything permanent. Have sex, and for awhile you won't feel like you need it again so desperately. But then you will. Make a friend, find love, something like that... and that fills a void for a long time or even an eternity, so not only is the void filled but you don't have to worry about it opening again. That's real happiness.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. Man I tell you what. I'm new to this site and I believe I stumbled upon it from a higher power at the most critical time in my life. I've read almost every post you've created because I feel I can relate to many of the issues you've described than from any other member here. Everything from your mental well being to your physical experiences of itching episodes from previous injuries. Thank you so much for everything you've posted because you have become a personal inspiration and I have so much determination to reach the time of being free that you have. Thank you and I hope you get to reach day 365.

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