Should I tell my new partner about my reboot?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Hardley97, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. Hardley97

    Hardley97 Fapstronaut

    6
    5
    3
    Hi everyone, this is my first post. I'm currently 9 days into a reboot. I'm trying to abstain from porn and masturbation, but still have sex with a partner.

    I'm 38 and have been a porn addict since my teens. I'm not a virgin but for the majority of that time I've been single, with PMO being my only sexual outlet.

    About a month ago I met a woman and we started dating. I stopped PMO shortly after I met her because I thought it would be easy to switch to real sex when the time was right.

    Last week we decided we were ready for sex. I had no problem getting an erection during foreplay, but once we started having intercourse, I lost my erection and couldn't get it back. I felt very ashamed. This has happened to me with other girls in the past, but not every time and not predictably. I am sure that it was porn induced, because I've tried quitting porn before and just masturbating to my imagination, and I had a very difficult time keeping an erection or reaching orgasm. I didn't feel confident telling her about my porn addiction in that moment, so I just blamed it on fatigue and we went to sleep.

    We've been out together again since that incident and she seemed totally unbothered about it, still very affectionate and happy to see me. We agreed on another date for tomorrow night, when we will likely have a chance for sex again. My concern is that if I tell her about my addiction she might be repulsed and not want to see me anymore. On the other hand if I have another incident of ED, she may think I'm not attracted to her or that I'm just bad in bed and may not want to see me anymore.

    I really like this girl and I want to build a long-term relationship with her if possible. She has shared with me that she's been in some abusive and neglectful relationships in the past, so I'm trying to be as drama-free as possible. How would you handle the situation? Should I expect the problem to keep recurring for a while? Should I talk to a doctor?
     
  2. Health is key

    Health is key Fapstronaut

    287
    271
    63
    Bro, 100% you should tell her but the way you word it is important. Don't just come out and say I've been addicted to porn like some crack addict. Let her know that for whatever reason e.g. You got lonely etc. you started watching and it's damaged you in a way you don't like. Make sure you let her know that you find her very attractive and you really like her but you're having issues that you are trying to fix. If she's had an abusive past 100% I think she will like the fact that you are open. That's called being real. If she likes you she will be patient and want to help you out.
     
    brad23 and JustinX like this.
  3. Hardley97

    Hardley97 Fapstronaut

    6
    5
    3
    Thanks for your advice, it makes a lot of sense. I definitely want to be open and honest with her as much as possible.

    Came here to post an update. The next time we got together after my last post she told me she had just started her period, so we spent the next few nights together, but there was no sex. Never thought I'd be relieved about something like that, but I was happy to get further with my reboot before trying again.

    Fast forward to last night, I spent the night at her place again. It was a repeat of the first time. When I lost my erection this time, she asked if it was her fault. That's when I told her about my addiction. She reassured me that it was okay and she didn't think I was a pervert or anything, but she didn't understand at all. She said she never heard of people being addicted to porn, and she even asked if I wanted to turn on some porn to help us have sex. I said no and tried to explain the science behind it, and that I really needed to get it out of my brain so I could get better.

    The worst part was that we tried three or four times throughout the night. I'd get hard from her hands or some sweet talk, but then when I tried to enter her, I'd go limp after about 10 seconds. It was maddening. We were able to get her to orgasm thanks to my fingers and a vibrator, but I'm still pretty distraught.

    My confidence is wrecked. I feel like I'm not a man. I'm trusting the method here and I'm determined to follow through with it, but I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

    TL;DR - PIED first time with new girlfriend, waited a week, tried again, no improvement. Feeling frustrated and miserable.
     
    brad23 likes this.
  4. Health is key

    Health is key Fapstronaut

    287
    271
    63
    It is the worst feeling in the world man. I've had the exact same experience!! You need to be 100% in this process but it's possible you might not be able to have sex for a few months (I know that's not what you want to hear). My advice is to tell her how kissing and cuddling is crucial to the healing process. I suggest reading 'Karezza'. It's a form of sex where the focus is kissing, cuddling and intimacy. You enter her but don't move at all. Just kiss and cuddle with you inside her. Whether you are flaccid or erect isn't a big issue because that's not the main focus. It will help healing and getting you used to a real person.

    I suggest don't make this into you have a massive problem but rather you need help fixing this problem and you want her to be the one to help you and that it will come right. Trust the process.
     
  5. Hardley97

    Hardley97 Fapstronaut

    6
    5
    3
    Thank you so much for your advice, man. You have no idea how much you've raised my spirits just by letting me know I'm not alone. I really needed to read those words.

    I've been opening up more with her about my problem and she's really trying to understand it. She was asking me this morning about my history with other girls. When I told her I'd had the same issue once or twice before I met her, I think she was relieved. It helped convince her that she wasn't the cause of the problem. I've reassured her that she isn't doing anything wrong, it's just that I need to recondition my brain to respond naturally to her. I think she's on board with helping me work through it. I'm going to read up on the karezza technique and see if it will work for us.
     
  6. Health is key

    Health is key Fapstronaut

    287
    271
    63
    I'm still going through pied man! But the most bazarre thing is I've started to realise this was the greatest thing to happen to me (bazarre statement I know). Porn/sex addiction was like a sickness. to get turned on in bed I had to think of vile things. I had zero capacity for any intimacy at all. The self growth I am going through since stopping porn and masturbation is indescribable. I feel like I had a demon inside of me and I've some how cleansed myself. You might find that this experience might bring you two unbelievable close. The openness to tell her this and for her to accept this is incredible. If I can give you advice. Don't even worry about sex. Tell her you want the main focus to be on the relationship for now. Deep down that is what everyone truly wants and you might find that that experience is the most fulfilling. 100% give Karezza a go. It is a fantastic bonding experience but at first it feels like what the hell are we doing but once you both can tap into your connection with each other it will be incredible. All the best man! I am really rooting for you. Try and think of this as positively as you can.
     
  7. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

    1,425
    1,317
    143
    @Hardley97 To a new partner, I would be totally honest.

    But don't talk about your past. Talk about now.

    As a general principle in life, be forward-oriented and always deliver suggestions and solutions.
    Don't whine or talk about "problems".

    I read that you fear to lose her.
    But you are addicted because you have fear of being rejected.
    If you want to progress in life, you must overcome this fear.

    If you are totally open to her, there are two possibilities then:

    • She likes your honesty and will stay with you. Jackpot!
    • She feels confused and rejects you. In this case, just be thankful and let her go. You can be sure that she has a problem with herself and needs time.
      A rejection is very hard, but during a few months you will experience a great learning process within yourself. You will be much mature then. And maybe you will come together after some time.
    So whatever happens, it will always positive.
     
  8. Health is key

    Health is key Fapstronaut

    287
    271
    63
    Really good advice I feel man. Look forward. Look at the relationship you guys can build together going forward and make that the main focus.
     
    SnowWhite likes this.
  9. Hardley97

    Hardley97 Fapstronaut

    6
    5
    3
    Really good advice from both of you, thanks so much. So far she has been really supportive, which is a big positive.

    Today I suggested that she watch the Gary Wilson Ted Talk and one of Noah Church's videos on YouTube. She said they made her feel sad for me. She's sad because I'm not able to make love and she feels like she doesn't know how to act around me now. She's worried about being sexual because she doesn't want me to get worked up only to wind up frustrated. I told her I still want us to have our chemsitry, because I don't want us to wind up just being friends. I will take your advice and try to focus on the relationship and intimacy aspects. I'm really excited to try the Karezza technique, it sounds intriguing. I'll keep you updated on any new developments.
     
  10. Hardley97

    Hardley97 Fapstronaut

    6
    5
    3
    Another update - last night might have been the best night of my life. I talked to her about karezza but I really wasn't sure what to say because it's kind of a nebulous idea, which hasn't been clearly defined in anything I've read. All I could tell her was that we come together and then don't move. She gave me a funny look, so I said maybe we move a little bit ;). We had sex again and it was incredibly slow, sensual and passionate. I have had sex before but this was the first time I felt like I was truly making love in my whole life. I still lost my erection eventually, but this time I lasted much longer. I really didn't mind because I wasn't trying for an orgasm and I felt secure because she already understood what was going on and I felt like I had her complete trust and acceptance. It was the most amazing feeling. I know I still have a long way to go, but this has totally energized me and renewed my resolve to get rid of porn forever. The future looks bright!
     
    jmjo12 and demigod like this.
  11. Health is key

    Health is key Fapstronaut

    287
    271
    63
    Congrats man! Really happy for you. That is some really great news.
     
  12. jmjo12

    jmjo12 Fapstronaut

    5
    1
    3
    Yes man!
    I just read through the thread.. it's very encouraging! She seems to be a great person, lucky you :)
     

Share This Page