Sigh

A lot of areas of my life have been getting better but recently I've been deep in downloading stuff and fapping, almost every night. I have this process where I wear my headphones and put on really loud music and sift through appealing images and videos. It's really tiring after awhile and I end up staying up late and sleeping late in the morning. I do like certain affects of fapping like my body feeling somewhat relaxed and I think I'm a bit more easy going. I don't know. I just know that I can't spend the rest of my life in front of a glowing screen spanking my monkey. I need to find a way to embrace my sexuality and not condemn it, but also not condone behaviors which could get me into trouble, or make me empty and just feel plain wrong. My addiction goes deep and there is something I really love about it, but there are a lot of mixed feelings involved regarding the content I look at and really just the acts in general. Part of me says this is my life and my sexual nature is something God-given, and another part of me says that I should just never touch my penis again. I'm having trouble finding that place in the middle. There are things I like about abstaining for long periods, but also things I don't like, like the overwhelming urges and energy and not being able to sleep, and feeling kind of tense and serious and perhaps not being so kind to others. Sometimes I wish that sex just wasn't part of life, because I don't understand it or how it's supposed to be used. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense but I felt like I needed to speak out a bit. Thanks for reading if you did.