Sissy / weak will / Mind Control

*Trigger Warning*
A few years ago, a young woman (or, for all I know, some 30 year old dude in Milwaukie who was pretending to be a young woman) sent me a PM about one of my posts and quickly gained my trust and got me hooked. Before I knew it, she was teasing me about my penis size and suggesting that I should be a sissy, embracing that part of me and taking it further. She sent me suggestive comments and pornographic images of this same nature. And, of course . . . I loved it! Or, at least my addiction did. I already had a voice inside myself telling me to pursue sissy, cuckold, and small penis humiliation to my hearts content - and now I had a voice outside of my head telling me to do this. Ultimately this led to a few weeks of relapse and an even lower bottom in my addiction:

Spoiler: Big Trigger Warning

She got me to get myself off by rubbing my penis between my thighs, hands free, while upside down, and cumming into my mouth and all over my face. She was also encouraging me to practice getting myself off with only anal - the goal there to entirely avoid stimulating / paying attention to my "useless" little penis.

The point of this story is . . . I got sucked into it, I relapsed hard for several weeks and hit a new bottom. I am powerless over this addiction.

Recently, someone (a male this time) sent me suggestions and images via PM. I have not looked at porn in over a year, but seeing this image (porn by my standard, maybe not to others as there was no actual nudity - but I get super triggered by women in sexy clothes accompanied by suggestive text (captions) -got me instantly aroused and my head started spinning with dopamine. I found myself knowing I shouldn't look, yet looking again and . . . hoping that this person would send me more pictures like that!

Will I have the strength to block future messages? Will I have even more strength and not block the messages, but simply leave them unopened (or would that be me holding onto them for future indulgences)?

Alcoholics and drug addicts use their drugs to blot out reality, to achieve oblivion. I can achieve a full body heightened state of oblivion with porn and fantasy. But it comes at a cost - it renders me less likely to succeed in life. Do I want to achieve my dreams and have a wonderful life? Or, do I want to escape into my mind and fall into the cycle of a progressively unsuccessful life that drives me to seek more and more escape?

We shall see what actually happens. The alternative to porny porn porn is mind control. It's all a choice and I can choose healthier options. Not looking at porn is only the first step. It's certainly better than when I was indulging in it and seeking out new extremes, but the problem of this disease is centred in my mind. If I can't control it, I can get just as high and fail just as hard (as with PMO) by getting lost in real life sexual stimuli, intrigue, fantasy, edging and masturbation.

Hope that helps somebody. I just need to acknowledge that simply not looking at porn isn't enough for an addict like me.

 

I am still weak. I think I won’t look, but I do.
I have not blocked the messages but I did “leave” it. Small win.
Need to recognize my primitive brains addiction to dopamine and how just a flash of a sexy image can trigger cravings.