SO responding to possible relapse - advice needed pls

Hello, I believe my SO may have relapsed today, I can see his laptop activity as we chose to have parental control - I have not contacted him, I do not want him to feel judged, policed or unable to come home; but I would like some advice on how to respond to this today please.
I understand he needs a safe place to talk, this is something I am trying to build as he keeps relapses secret, addiction thrives in the dark - I have responded badly in the past but am trying to build trust between us again. He is in a bad place emotionally (depressed), 14 days into new reboot so he is fragile.
Any PAs or SOs out there with any advice? I would be greatly appreciated, thank you for taking time to read x
Also, I'm new here...does this thread belong in a different forum?

 

Thank you for the advice and moving the thread, it's greatly appreciated. He does not post here, he does not have an account.

He used the site to learn about the addiction in the early stages and attempts to use it briefly during a possible relapse but told me ''it made me feel worse".

I suggested he was reading the wrong thread, success stories may have been better to lift the low mood - but I cannot force him.

I decided to join a couple of weeks ago to focus my thoughts and feelings elsewhere, rather than on him. It has been a huge help to me, but he is struggling I think, unmotivated, depressed. Hasn't read a single piece of advice or thought about how to progress further or start again...the last relapse seems to have knocked the courage out of him.

Thank you again for the reply x

 

Thank you!
Quite long, but I wanted to give you the whole picture...

We have been together for a year and nine months - he was aware of his addiction before we were together and he's stated that he tried to give it up before our relationship, but without any help or advice so continued to PMO.
We are soul mates, and have a wonderful relationship, but there is a lingering shadow...

When I moved in his usual PMO habits were no longer an option (every night before bed) so he started viewing P at work and at home in the bathroom; until I found out and we discussed the growing obsessive behavior and the influence on his life. He started researching addiction and started a reboot in late Sept 2017 which lasted 120 days - brilliant!

But having the mobile back after the first 90 days was a pitfall, and he slipped back into binge viewing routine. He told me he had also been using his work laptop at work to view P - in a private meeting room - so we both decided parental control was good idea - simply to give his brain a rest and start building coping strategies for compulsion, without too much risk of being exposed so early on, as he has a tendency to spiral. He also got a simple model mobile with no internet access - which he now uses for work and personal life - he did this willingly. I've never forced anything upon him, I understand that defeats the purpose of his recovery; and would be ultimately pointless and counter productive to our relationship.

He has told me, "I don't want this in my life", and I believe him. On his last reboot he achieved 131 days - he's had stress with work load (promotion), personal difficulties with his family, our relationship has been difficult, he also bought his first property; this year so he's had a lot on his mind. The last relapse (post 131 days) - he had a compulsion in work, when alone and the idea of an online proxy ( to get around parental control) occurred to him, and the cycle began again. Booking out meeting rooms in work, binge viewing P at home sat next to me when "working" (for hours), this lasted for 3 weeks, he cannot pull himself out of the darkness, it consumes him. Saying "When I open the door, it rules over me". I understand compulsion, and I can forgive many things but I'm concerned my SOs lost momentum in his fortitude.

I am aware and so is he, the consequences of binge viewing in work.
I believe professional help may be needed, but again - you can lead a horse to water. I'm his accountability partner but I have made mistakes, been irrational, asked so many questions, I have hindered his recovery in some ways - but I'm aware of my faults and want to improve how I support him. I am trying to build trust, so he can trust in my love. I feel his secrecy just adds to the P binge cycle as he's in a state of perpetual denial. He tells me nothing, he is very private, has never (even in childhood) had someone to trust with his feelings - he spent much of it alone, in his room. So he doesn't communicate openly without being asked first.

We have no specific times to talk, or assess his needs, I simply ask, pretty much every day (is that bad?)..."Have you been okay today?", "Are there any feelings you would like to talk about?"...he knows what I am referring to. Am I going about this incorrectly?
So he has an accountability partner, but he doesn't want to open up to me. Fear of judgement, guilt, doesn't want to hurt me etc etc. I have asked him what I'm doing wrong (communication) and how better I can support him...I don't get much reply.

One issue is, he knows I don't trust him...that cannot be a good feeling! It saddens him to not be believed, but how can I so quickly after so many lies? I am trying to...I'm attempting to be more gentle, understanding and less emotional. For his sake, rather than mine.

I can take care of myself, I can reach out to others; but my SO is so different, his emotions rule over him, negativity cripples him - he simply doesn't know how to cope with 'down days' or boost himself back up. I've thought about CBT but he genuinely believes he can beat compulsions if he is 'in a good place' - yet I know this is the underlying issue...being able to cope with negative emotions will always be a part of life - and these negative emotions lead to relapse.

He has taken big steps in his recovery and I'm very proud of him, but he's only removed the P with each reboot; my SO has not replaced the coping mechanism.
Self help advise; such as research, working out, getting into a routine, being productive with interest or hobbies are all at a stand still...zero motivation to progress or boost happiness.

My SO is the kindest person I have even met, he is gentle, caring and devoted - just not to himself.

Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it and I hope this account can shed some light on what steps to take next. x

 

Yeah, thank you all. I really appreciate the advice and will certainly use it. It's difficult to know what works for an individual sometimes. I have certainly made it clear this behavior is not acceptable and full disclosure is needed for us to maintain a relationship.

One more thing please...What other boundaries do you speak of? Boundaries such as...

Communicating within 24 hours of a relapse?
When and where to tell me?
What behavior I consider ultimately destructive to the relationship? The addiction progressing to an extent I find I'm unable to deal with? -
My boundaries in regard to what I could psychologically cope with?

Is this what you mean?

Thank you again and I wish you all the best in your journeys of self discovery and personal growth, peace be with you x

 

Yeah, I have considered that my SO may just need to talk to someone, or vent life issues in general. I asked him recently if he's feeling "bogged down by life" and he replied, "yes, that sounds about right". I get the impression he is simply getting sick of talking about the addiction - as if it has become some horrifying procedure in his life he cannot cope with, or even begin to face. Perhaps he doesn't know where to start, as he has been White Knuckling for the last year. My SO also said, which may shed some light on his perspective "I don't want to think of it as a huge fight or struggle".

Is this burying his head in the sand or do some people need to look at this journey from different angles/perspectives in order to over come it? How do you others feel?

Calling it an addiction
Thank you for mentioning this, funnily enough - this very thought occurred to me just a few days ago. I have suggested we use the term 'bond' rather than 'addiction' which can seem harsh and perhaps negative.

Thanks for the insight, the feedback means a lot x

 

Thank you, it's much appreciated! This will be a great help! x