Soaking It In

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by gohammswife, Jul 30, 2018.

  1. gohammswife

    gohammswife Fapstronaut

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    Having a degree in psychology makes me feel all the more stupid when dealing with my emotions and my porn-addicted husband.

    When I first found out several years ago. I read books, blogs, and lost of studies about the effect of porn on the brain. How it worked. How men's brains and women's were different. The cycle of feelings addicts feel.

    Forgiveness was freely offered and I totally took the blame off of him.

    In all of that. In all of figuring out how to help my husband, I never once thought about how to fix me. I didn't think about my trauma. I didn't really consider it trauma. Trauma was the rape I experienced as a teen, the abuse I waded through as a child, and effects my sister's murder had upon me. Never once did I think I had trauma because of my husband's porn issues.

    Our arguments would be intense. Intense enough that I attempted suicide a few times because even though he tries, it never seems like he can get past it.

    I thought I was doing all the right things. I read Boundaries by Townsend. I made sure to cope with my hurt and anger my ways even though he thought they were weird. I was taught coping techniques as a child. I listen to music, paint, sketch, dance, exercise, journal, etc. If I couldn't do that I would rip up a piece of paper. He hates the paper ripping. I would rather rip into a piece of paper than rip into him and have said something I would regret later.

    I have been watching a lot of the videos and reading a lot of the articles in the research section and wow! I have never seen my trauma well accurately articulated. I guess I am in shock that this is trauma. I do feel that way. I feel robbed. I feel alone.

    I am glad I found this place. Oddly, I found this place because I wanted him to get help. I think it might end up helping me more in the long run. I pray it also helps him, but I am going to repair me.

    I am going to continue reading and absorbing all I can to know how to respond to him. At this time I feel like I don't know how to react. I am so tired of the ping-pong effect. I am tired of the arguing.

    I did make a new rule that he was ok with. Other than not having his phone with him outside of the house unless I am with him. He is not allowed his phone when I am not in the room. He agreed. He is trying.
     
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I also felt quite stupid, I am in Psych as well and I still to this day feel such shame for feeling stupid.... I keep thinking to myself, "I should have seen the signs" even though there weren't many. The way I found out was by accident... wasn't even suspecting it. But Psych has been the reason I was able to stay and understand it and make most of my peace with it. I also taught my husband a lot about psych, which helped him in his own recovery efforts.

    You're not alone, I honestly felt like what I was going through wasn't trauma per se, but realized I was having all the PTSD symptoms I had with my own sexual assault and rapes... except my PTSD from my husbands porn addiction has been 1 million times harder to deal with, overcome, and heal from than my sexual trauma's and to me that is just baffling.
     
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  3. rostronaut

    rostronaut Nofap Moderator
    Staff Member

    Hello @gohammswife,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Rebooting has its ups and downs, just like life. We see many people experiencing both the ups and downs during the reboot, and though it may be hard to see now, these feelings you are having won’t last forever. It will get better with time, if you are patient and wait.

    In the meantime, please seek professional help. I know the idea of calling a helpline might terrify you, but in times of crisis, we often need someone their to put our lives in perspective. So please contact someone who can help and don’t hang up on them. The International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a list of suicide prevention hotlines for countries all over the world. Also, if you don’t feel up to actually talking to someone on the phone, unsuicide maintains a list of online Instant Messaging and chat suicide prevention resources.

    You are not alone in this. There are ways to treat depression. Please contact people that can help you. Being depressed often makes it feel like you don’t have any more options. But that is a lie. That is just the depression talking. These feeling you have won’t last forever. We are in this with you, and we will all be cheering for you to get through this!
     
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  4. gohammswife

    gohammswife Fapstronaut

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    Well, I haven't checked in for a while. My husband and I have had a couple talks about transparency and I have to give him credit. He is being honest for the most part.

    He made it like maybe 12 days without looking. When asked he did tell me he looked.

    We had a couple discussions about the journey and that I need to be part of it because it involves me. He is drafting an accountability ad and has answered a few but no luck yet. I told him I need to be able to see that he is actively working on this addiction. For me that means, seeing him post on nofap and letting me have open access to his phone.

    I have also been suggesting more things to do rather than watching TV for our quality time together. He has been working a lot (he has two jobs) so our quality time is precious.

    As for me, I am healing. I am dealing with the hurt. He is not ready at all to really understand my pain and said so himself. I hope he gets there soon because I still feel alone and in a way feel like I am "in charge" of our progress when I would rather he lead. Maybe things will be better once he gets an accountability partner. I am watching the affair recovery videos and understanding my pain and anger a bit more. I really don't get angry though and maybe I need to. Even my husband said he wished I would yell, scream, and get mad at him when he messes up.
     
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  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You will probably get angry in time... Although it's not something you can rush... And honestly, please don't... Because once it hits you, it's only something to move through, it's not something you can just "switch off"
     
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  6. I didn’t exactly realize it was trauma either. But once you realize it is, it’s eye opening for sure. I think that’s when anger came in.

    Sure you’ve had past traumas to deal with but this piled on top of all those. And your feeling a certain way because of something he did. He needs to be responsible for that not you. He needs to own it. Has he watched the helping her heal videos?
     
  7. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Im interested in learning more about your process given your career and I also feel like I’m slipping into support centered around him rather than myself.

    I’m about a month into the world of knowing my husband is PA. I’m afraid of sweeping things under the rug but after feeling mostly numb and detached the first two weeks with occasional, restrained anger, I feel like life is just dragging me along for the ride. I have twin 6 month olds, a three year old and so little time for myself. I may be spending too much time researching his condition than feeling the feels. Not sure if this is more proactive preparation or just a way to keep myself busy. Or he’s pushed me away for so long, I simply became too detached to feel too strongly. Only now do I see glimpses of real intimacy here and there. Just hope I’m not being naive. I told him that if things aren’t good, much better than before, not simply him resisting the addiction but him also becoming a much better partner – – I would leave. So I still have that to feel I have power. I’m just not sure if I can accurately experience this without being diluted with the busyness of children and life.
     

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