Social anxiety and how I have the tendency to isolate myself

I was gonna post this in another thread, but it seemed I was on my way to derail it. Therefore I made a new thread. It's about my social anxiety and how I have the tendency to isolate myself. Feel free to share your stories as well. I think I just needed to get this out. Really really need to get it out.

I have had social anxiety for most of my life. It was one of the reasons I started with porn. I wasn't friendless, but I had problems connecting with people. I used porn as an escape from life. It didn't rid me of my anxiety, it was still there. But slowly but surely in my life I have successfully navigated in social circles and was able to make friends. But I always dread the social gatherings or the parties. They were fun when I was there and I had gotten a little alcohol in me, but before they started I was pretty nervous. I would use to argue with myself back and forth if I was going to go. I always ended up going, because I had said I was gonna go, and I knew I would have a good time in the end. And yes I did.

But my biggest problem is that after a certain amount of time has gone by and my depression sets in, I start to isolate myself. I may not even notice it at first, but slowly and steadily I do. Before 2017 this happened when I was 20, and it also happened in 2013. Or it started before that year, but I crashed hard that year as well. I always get these grand ideas that since I am an introvert I need to be so much alone, because I need it. But even though I fight that tendency, I just shrug it away and say no this is how it's supposed to be. I literally have been talking to myself about this many times that I need to be more social and not spend every weekend alone; almost all. But for some reason I just try to tell myself that no I am an introvert so I need this time alone. But what I am doing is isolating myself, and how is that good for me? Not at all. I may not be the most social person, but really I need to be more social than I set out to be. I want it more than I have ever wanted. I think deep down I've always wanted to be more social. But something was always stopping me. Porn? Myself? A combination is probably the better answer.

Last year I was trying to find myself for the hundredth time. Not dealing with my problems, just finding reasons for changing who I was. I have always done this. I am never satisfied with myself. I need to change this and that. And I also found out that I was gonna cut some friends because they weren't the right ones. How wrong was I? Quite wrong. I was shutting others out and just focusing on a couple of good friends. Bad idea. After a while I started to spend most weekends alone. I had fun playing games and watching tv, but I knew deep inside that I was really lonely. But I didn't do anything about it as I said, because even though I noticed the signs I just thought this was the way it was supposed to be. But I am starting to understand that isolating myself is not the answer.

The friends I talked about I have reconnected with and I am having a better time with them. Why? Because I stopped trying to be perfect, stopped trying to find the perfect friends. Because no one is perfect. And I did like those friends, but they just didn't cut it was my idea. But they do. They care about me and the even asked about me to a friend when I hadn't talked to them in some time. And this made me understand that good friends show up, good friends are like they are. So what if they aren't perfect?

But then I quit porn and the anxiety took hold of me more and more. It feels like for me that I was hiding behind porn not dealing with social anxiety. And now that I am soon in 80 days of no porn I have to actually face that fear. For me the social anxiety has manifested itself more, I feel it more than I ever have before. I feel it when I walk outside, I feel it in big crowds and talking to people I don't know. I never had that fear of big crowds, but now it suddenly seems I do. My solution? Get more social, face the social situations and kind of force yourself to be more social even though sometimes you'd rather be at home. Why do I do that? Because I know if I refuse one or two times I will start isolating myself, and when I do, it will be so much more easy to relapse. I've felt it coming now as well even though I have started to get better at this. Now I see the signs and I act on them. Not at first maybe, but now I am aware.

I want to face this social anxiety. I want to make it less comfortable by going outside my comfort zone. I don't want to be stuck at home everyday. I want to live my life with the great friends that I do have. They care, and that is all that matters. I have almost told them all about my anxiety and they are all so accepting it's making me cry. I just never thought that I had such good friends, and maybe on some level I didn't think I deserved it. But I do! They have showed me that I do. And I am so happy for this realization. It has made everything I fight for every day mean even more. So yeah, I just wanted to share this to you here. You've all been so welcoming and accepting that I just want to tell you the realization I had today.

 

I have never been diagnosed with major depression and I didn't think you were saying that . But I might have been had I gone to my first psychologist for some time, or maybe the second one in 2013. I don't know. There have been some depression I am sure, but most of all it's the anxiety that is my worst enemy

I really resonate with what you say about becoming an "observer". I didn't think much about it before but now you just put it so pointedly. I have for most of my life felt like I was observing other people and how they lived their life. I was there, I had friends, but it didn't seem like my life mattered as much. And that was probably my fault for not opening up to people or getting myself out there. I have also felt like that when I always walk around with music in my ears, as a shield against people and for some way to disconnect from life. Just watching people pass me by and not trying to interact. Not seeing them as people. So now I don't listen to music when I walk outside. I feel to disconnected from the if I do.

The last things you were saying is also basically how I feel now. I feel awkward in social situations, but I don't care because I want to get out there more. I wanna be awkward, because that is better than isolating myself. And that is a good feeling to say out loud. But yeah I am riding out the storm, and it is really benefical for me. Coming here and talking to my mother, basically saved my life. So I am really thankful for her and everyone here

 

Exactly! We need to stop hiding ourselves. What I believe most of all is opening up to other people, telling them our stories, interact with them and just be awkward around them and slowly but surely things will turn around. And also stopping being afraid, that is my main goal. And also to feel the fear and getting through it. Because most of my life I have hated feeling bad and I never dealt with them. I found it to be letdown when I felt down, and not just happy all the time. But feelings like that are silly. You have to feel down sometime. We are not perfect.

I do feel alone still, but not as alone as I felt. I have friends. They like me and I like them. And life does seem more happy and upright, just the way it should be.

 

Thanks for the kind words. And now this weekend I had no plans, had tried to get together with some people but they were busy. So I had reconciled myself with it just being me this weekend. But then a friend of mine called. He was gonna move and asked me to help, and then he would also help me get rid of a big bookcase I have been eager to get rid of in a while. It takes up way too much space in my tiny place. Anyways, around 6 I am gonna help him. And if it weren't good enough another friend called and said that there was an open spot because he were playing board games tonight. Too bad actually since I am gonna help my other friend move. But that can't be helped now. So I am kinda happy that people decided they wanted to spend time with me. So I am feeling better and better today

 

Good tip . I have mostly been good in that apartment until I started to isolate myself. But today I helped a friend move, he got rid of some old stuff for me and bought me something. So now I am gonna fix up my small space of an apt. and things are gonna feel like new. Motivates me to invite people to a cosier place. Also his new apt looked fantastic, motivates me more to search for a job and find myself a new place.

 

I know how it is man. I'm an introvert too. I feel like I need to be alone sometimes, but then I'm alone and think about how much I'm missing. Crazy, isn't it? A lot of times I think of what I'm gonna say because I don't wanna come off as a dumbass, but then I see some of my buddies and the way they act and think "shit, they don't give a fuck, why should I?" I have a buddy right? This motherfucker is the craziest son of a bitch ever. He just simply doesn't give a fuck. He'll say whatever he feels like and doesn't think twice about what he says. I'll admit, some of the shit he says I imagine myself saying, and I just think of how embarrassed I'd be if I had said it. Here's the thing. Everybody likes him. EVERYBODY. Why? Because he doesn't give a fuck and he'll talk to you no matter what you think of him. Made me realize a lot. In fact, I'm him when I'm drunk. When I'm sober, I'm pretty critical of myself. I become very introspective of myself and think of what people think of me. If I say this, will I come off as a dumbass? Crap like that. When I'm drunk? I talk a lot. I say some pretty dumb shit, act stupid, but people still like me. People seem to warm up to me and laugh with me and shit, but the next morning I find myself embarassed thinking of what I said and did, because that's not who I really am. I guess we need to find a way to open up more. Maybe not act like a bunch of drunks, but just find a way to really open up to people, actually give a shit and not care what anyone thinks. Easier said than done though. I'm still trying to find a way without alcohol. I noticed NoFap is definitely a beginning, as long as you keep on it. We'll get through it man.

 

Yeah that's very true. In a way I really like being an introvert, but it does make it harder sometimes. I do need to get out more. There's nothing wrong with having some alone time, but I think we all need more social interaction. Life is about people. Relationships, friendships, etc. I know, I sound like Dr. Phil haha, except I'm not a money hungry jackass. Being an introvert does make it a bit harder, but having social anxiety makes it damn near impossible. Depends on the degree of the anxiety. I mean, I have no problem going out to stores and shit, but I do get nervous thinking about going to a party or meeting new people. I wonder if I'll like them and vice versa. I can't see me having too much small talk either. I actually think it's kind of boring, so maybe that's just my introversion and not anxiety. Still, I need to work on it.

 

Well spoken man, well spoken.

 

Yes I know what you mean! I think we just need to find the middle ground between what we want. I know I am an introvert, but I also know that I am not as much as I thought I was. I was always saying to people that I needed a lot of time alone, but did I really? No, not really. I need to wind down and gather energy, but without being social at all, I am just by myself and I don't want that. I want to be out with the people I love.

Yeah I'd want to be someone that says what he wants and don't give a fuck. But at the same time, I am not that person. So I don't want to strive to be someone I am not. Even though I know what you mean. I am just ready to embrace the person I am, the person I was running away from trying to be whatever I wanted myself to be. It's better to just trust that the person you are is the best person you can be. So yes, I agree that we should open more up to people. That is what I have been doing lately, and you know what? It helps. People are pretty supportive even though you thought you made a fool of yourself or you said something stupid. Just own it instead. I think we'll do fine @Vinum Sabbathi

 

I do to. I think we just need to get out of our heads and stop thinking about it. Just do it. That's been my problem. When I start thinking about it just ends up with me chickening out and that is not good. Jump before thinking is sometimes the better approach. Now I just need to implement it better in my life. But I think we're getting somewhere

 

I like your attitude

 

Hell yeah dude. It's hard though. I hate having those thoughts. Thinking about everything you're gonna say. Wondering if you'll sound stupid. I mean, even though my buddy is like that, I could never straight up be like him, and I agree with what you're saying. We shouldn't make ourselves something we're not. I think what we can learn from that is to just try to talk more, actually lend your ear to others, and actually care about people. Trust is everything man. I have a buddy who's an extrovert, but he's kinda shady. People don't like him automatically because of it. They can just sense that he's kinda shady. That's why you don't lie to people and don't give them a reason not to trust you. Even though I'm quiet, people like me because I'm trustworthy and all that. I just need to open up more.