Something I’ve come to accept

I am 31 years old, having difficulty abstaining from porn right now but I’ve had long streaks (even one that was 80 days with no P whatsoever!) but I also have recently come to a realization, and I think others also need to come to this same realization, particularly a lot of young men I’m seeing who are upset and frustrated about their dating/sexual trouble (to say the least), and that’s this:

I’ve never had a girlfriend my whole entire life (that has lasted for more than a few days). That practically ten-minute relationship was when I was in college and got my first kiss (I know, right?) and me and a girl were just fooling around with the boyfriend-girlfriend thing (making out, holding hands, she sat on my lap, etc but we didn’t “do it.”) Then after about nine years, numerous failed dates and lonely nights at bars and clubs later, I finally got my v-card revoked at the tender young age of 29, with the only woman who actually said she was interested in a long-term relationship with me, but I turned her down because I thought she was troubled (part-time cocaine addict, which always leads to full-time) and I was all “aww hell naw.” To this day, it still troubles me why the only girl who was directly interested in being my girlfriend was a cokehead. As shocked as I was to hear her speak positively about doing that stuff, that was who I attracted (she wasn’t who I thought she was). I met her at a Meetup for people on the autism spectrum, which I admittedly am.

One year and a few months later, I had sex with my co-ed roommate several times (or she had sex with me, it was basically a series of pity fucks). She was a much more well-adjusted woman and I actually still keep in touch with her, but we didn’t want a relationship with each other at the time, though, because neither of us thought we were at the right place in our careers, or have landed the financial stability we wanted. COVID hit the next month, and I lived with my parents again for five months taking care of my mom until she passed away.

I know what you’re thinking: “This guy could have it so much worse,” right?

Well, the big realization/epiphany/whatever you wanna call it I’ve built up to is that one day, years down the line, if I have not found someone by then, it’s just gonna be over for me. I’m not at that point yet, but if that does come to that, I will accept it with open arms, move on with my life, and come full circle to the realization that it simply
is. not. in. the. cards.
Not part of my life.
Doesn’t come with the package.

If this turn out to be the case, that I’m just meant to be single til I’m six feet under, and the extent of my love life will be meaningless one or two time sexual encounters, whatever. I’ll accept reality and understand that it’s done. I wasn’t meant to find anyone.

And it’s not because I can’t take rejection. I can. I’ve been rejected for yeeeeears. To what seems like no end, but also til I’m numb. But I have to regulate and be extremely careful when and in what ways I ask out women, because unlike a lot of these people who whine on forums, I am very good looking, but I need to make sure that I don’t just end up talking gibberish and being too nervous and sounding like an awkward fool when I talk to a woman, or I could be accused of being a creep. That’s why I almost never approach them and why I hardly look for dates. I keep to myself most of the time, but when you do actually start talking to me, despite my slowness at social graces, I have some amusing and intelligent anecdotes. The nervousness is legitimately a real problem for me, though, and that’s just an issue of my own I need to work on. But to give myself credit, I do try, heh.

I’ve had some real fun, but it’s not necessarily in a way that’s healthy, and it’s different for everybody, but for me, meaningless sex doesn’t replace love. You may be looking for an “I’m not getting any sex waaa” rant. This is not that rant, sorry to disappoint.

If anything, I guess my life has been a series of baby steps. At the end of the day, no matter what happens, I’ll always be working on becoming a better version of myself, which I am doing. Always trying to find new hobbies, and thankfully money is not nearly as much of an issue for me (the stimulus was really a blessing in disguise, especially since I was smart enough to spend barely any of the money except for essentials when I got it). I also have a full time job, a boring one, which is at an Amazon warehouse, but at least the pay is above minimum wage and I get benefits and a three-day weekend. There’s also room to move since it’s a corporate ladder-type deal, but I’m not sure how. If it were to be in line with my interests, I would definitely be in a different department. That’s what I mean by baby steps lol. I’m really trying to be proactive, even in the current climate (which mostly has to now be done thru Zoom meetings, virtual chats and social media). The solution is probably to just think about women entirely (and I’m not talking about that “MGTOW” movement, which I do not have a high opinion of, but that’s a whole different conversation), and just focus on being the best version of you you can be, develop your skills, do what you love, and become really talented and well-versed at cool stuff and hobbies you’re interested in. That way, if you happen to find someone in your life to complement you, fine. If not, that’s fine too. But if it happens to be the latter, you have to reach that point eventually where you accept and be comfortable with the fact that it’s finished. unless you find someone for the first time in your 50s but the odds of that happening feel like one in a million.

I also downloaded Tinder again, which at this point I regret doing. But how else am I supposed to get my meaningless-ass sex if I’m not actually looking for a relationship right now (I just want one). I know having a gf is not easy. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. Am I just feeling this way because a part of me feels that I’m SUPPOSED to be ready for that task, as a man?

TL;DR—I’ve never had a romantic partner and you guys might not either, and if we all get to that point in our lives where we realize we’re meant to be chronically alone (unless we’re EXTREMELY late bloomers and need to change something drastically) we should accept it, that certain things we want may just be over.

Edit: damn I just looked at my entry and saw how long it was. A lot to get off one’s chest lol.

 

For the first time today I think I actually read your comment instead of skimming it, and I just wanna say I can relate for sure. My advice is just do what you love (as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone) and don’t worry about additional stuff that may or may not come your way. I don’t wanna sound like a hypocrite who doesn’t practice what he preaches, but at least I try to not let it get to me. At the end of the day, that’s all one can do, really. Hang in there!