Standfast's Journal

Hello everyone!

I have been absent for the last couple of days since work has had me working odd hours, but I plan on updating this as often as time permits. I have decided to create this journal to keep my mind on the right path and to hopefully hold myself accountable.

As of this posting it has been 32 days of no P and 16 of no MO. The people on here have helped me more than they will ever know. I have been given and have read a lot of good advice. I just wanted to say thank you to all those on here.

I have been struggling with these addictions since around my freshman year of high school when a fellow student gave me a page from a popular P magazine. This sent me down a path I wish I would have never trod. One would have thought that the lack of resources would have prevented me from pursuing this, but even at this time of my life without Internet I found a way to feed my lust through pictures and magazines found all to easily in major stores. Soon it became a weekly, if not daily, event (more so with easy access via high speed Internet). I decided to create an account and really commit myself to improvement after so many attempts to stop, after coming across these verses in Romans chapter 6:12-13 - "Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof. Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God." I have read this many times before, but I have never really studied like I should have. This gave me so much conviction/anxiety and I found that I was totally disgusted with myself.

I find that reading scripture will discourage any thoughts/urges that I may have. I have even downloaded a scripture memory app to help me commit more verses to recall on when I need them most.

I will continue to pray and ask God for help out of this pit I have dug myself into, for I know that with Him I can overcome it. Matthew 19:26 - "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." and in Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

 

33 days of no P and 17 of no MO. I woke up early this morning after a nocturnal emission. I guess I am confused as I do not remember any dreams, just the sudden abrupt wakeup. Since this was involuntary, I will continue on because it doesn't count as a relapse?

This event makes me worry that my mind is playing scenarios that I've seen from the many things I've viewed in the past. Later today I was reading about trusting in the Lord in Psalm 107 especially verse 6 - "Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them out of their distresses." and it repeats throughout the Psalm. I will call upon the Lord and ask him to help me with my mind and with my fleshly wants.

 

39 days of no P and 23 of no MO. I can't believe I have made it this far.

I honestly have to say that, until now, I did not realize how bad regular TV and commercials are. I guess I was blind to the amount of soft-core P that is blatantly being shown. I have learned to divert my eyes and/or switch stations for the limited amount of time I spend watching TV (just don't have the time anymore it appears). I have invested in a service called "Enjoy Movies Your Way" for filtering out this type of content and I've been told there are sites where people have screened the movies to help with this as well. I would welcome any advice in this regard. I may be going a little overboard (according to some) because I'm in a state where I feel tempted, but haven't indulged. I cannot trust myself to do the right thing yet.

 

45 days of no P and 29 days no MO. This marks the farthest I've ever been, each day is a new milestone.

I was reading again through Galatians and was reminded of this: "If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit." Galatians 5:25 KJV. We definitely should walk in the Spirit and I pray that I will. Even though we may start to wander, staying in the scripture and talking with our Lord re-centers our walk (and I have strayed a bit recently). After an intense week of projects, announcements were made that involved changes that affected a lot of our jobs in a negative way causing a drop in morale. I'm not sure how decisions are made like this, but without too much detail I would say that since none of us were consulted, they were rash. At first I was extremely angered and said a few things I shouldn't have (was ashamed), but shortly afterwards I started praying and trying to continue throughout the rest of day. "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." Philippians 4:6 KJV. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that my Lord does. All this to say that before I would have handled the stress differently... and this is what I would call the first major progress I can really identify. I do not believe I could have done it without our Lord.

 

60 days no P and 44 no MO.

I've been very busy and haven't had time to update, but I'm still going strong and have more confidence now. I find I'm not thinking about it as much (i.e. I don't have to constantly fight myself).

Isaiah 55:6–7 Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

Seeking Him and calling upon Him to help me has provided much needed relief! Glory to God in the highest!