Starting again, but without as much hope...

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by OneSadYear, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. OneSadYear

    OneSadYear Fapstronaut

    I thought that we had almost reached our one year mark...
    Last summer, I found constant searches for a men's site on my husband's Facebook. He denied any porn, but then I found that too in the website data of an old phone. I was completely devastated because I thought we'd dealt with the issue of porn early in our marriage. He was really sad that he caused me so much pain and agreed to quit. He said he didn't feel it was an addiction and that he found quitting easy. I asked him several times to be sure to tell me if he slipped up, and he agreed that he would. I set the controls on his phone so that he couldn't use private browsing or delete his history. I would sometimes check his history and it was always clean, so it was a nice way to calm myself when I felt anxious. In the past couple months, I was getting a bit concerned because his history kept showing that he'd clicked on the Facebook profiles of various pretty young women. Not all the time, and nothing that led to anything inappropriate, so I didn't mention it. Then, I found a bikini site where he'd looked at several pictures so I confronted him about that and the profiles. He admitted that he'd found a porn magazine in a building he was renovating and he'd kept it for himself for the past few months and that it made him want more wherever he could get it.
    I feel shattered. The first time, he could claim not to know how hurt I'd be, but this time, he knew. He did eventually tell me, of course, but not for 3 months of having and using the magazine. I took the lock off his phone and I won't be looking at his history anymore, he has to make the change, I obviously can't orchestrate it. I just feel so hopeless.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hey....I'm sorry you are going through this.
    But you aren't responsible
    Here's the thing.
    They have to change themselves..
    . If you try to change them, they will only become a "smarter criminal".
    Is he being honest now?
    Is he doing a reboot?
    What happens next for you two?
    I know you said you took the locks off his phone, but the thing is alot of guys like the locks.
    Yes, he found ways around them... Maybe it's time for a good old fashioned flip phone.
    I can't tell you what to do after reading just this little bit.
    I can only say, here, you are among friends who care and are here to listen and offer advice but only if you want it.
    If you simply want to just vent, we are good at being sounding boards too.
    I hope you have a good day.
    And I wish you the best.
    Bel and Deleted Account like this.
  3. When I found out that my guy was going around accountability software by using his work phone (a yr and half after discovering his PA). I got pissed and took all the locks off too. DONT DO IT!!! It made me lazy, it made me surrender, it made me sweep it under the rug. Here we are a year and a half later again and I am finally demanding the kind of marriage and man I deserve and signed up for. Do not give up! He does need to do it on his own desire BUT if he is not educated on PA then he might not really "get it". Whatch the TedX video the Great Porn Experiment on YouTube or with him and see if educating him that this is a real thing helps at all. And like @Jolie said above we are all here to support you no matter what! Vent when you need and seek as much advice as you can! We can relate, trust me!
    Bel and Kenzi like this.
  4. OneSadYear

    OneSadYear Fapstronaut

    Thanks. :) It's nice to hear from people who understand.
    The good: My dh is a nice, caring, loving guy. He feels really terrible to have hurt me again and is patient with letting me talk about this and attempting to talk himself. He understands now that porn is much more powerful than he had initially been willing to admit. He admits that he wants it, but that he doesn't want to want it. He hopes that he won't do it again.
    The bad: It frustrates me that he's not proactive. Why does he still have Facebook, why hasn't he found someone else to put in a password and re-lock his phone. Why hasn't he looked up a site like this to read? He's totally willing to do things I suggest, but wouldn't be likely to do anything on his own.
    Me: I'm just trying to figure out what to do, and even how I should feel. At first, I just shut down, didn't want to look at him or touch him, just had a detached friendliness. It was great because it didn't hurt. I'd like to stay in that place, but I also want to stay married and raise our family. In my detached phase, unlocking his phone sounded like a good idea because I thought, "It's his problem to solve, not mine. I don't want to be involved." But the reality is that I'm involved whether I like it or not because if he falls into porn again, I am affected. I agree that I should relock his phone. I'd have preferred if he could have found an accountability partner, but last time, when he approached his closest friend to talk about porn, his friend just said, "Why are we talking about this?" I don't like the thought of being his keeper, but at the same time, with the phone unlocked, I assume he's looking at porn even if he's being good. Checking his history and finding it clean is reassuring because even though it's not the only way he can possibly access porn, it's the easiest and most likely way, and even though this recent porn was a magazine, there were hints that things were changing in his online behaviour.
    A year ago, the first time we went through this, I felt so much pressure to be nice, not stress him out, make sure the sex was great etc. because I worried that it might make him tempted to return to porn. Now, at least, I know that porn is just as tempting when I'm being a great wife. If anything, it might have backfired a bit by making him able to convince himself that it wasn't as big a deal. This time, I feel like he needs to realize that this will wreck his marriage. That even if I don't leave him, I will take back from him every piece that he's hurt and he will have very little of me left. Do you think that helps or just adds more stress and shame?
    Bel likes this.
  5. OneSadYear

    OneSadYear Fapstronaut

    Jolie, he is not currently doing a reboot. I need to look around this site more to find more about what a reboot us so I can share it with him. He was about 8 or 9 months porn free before this last time, and I believe he's been porn free since I've confronted him.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Not shame.
    But it's going to be stressful and he's gotta accept this.
    It's time to organize your relationship.
    I'm assuming based on your writing, that is what you want?

    U can't change him...
    So don't try.
    Lucky you, you can change yourself.
    And organization is key!
    Also, get your thoughts together and ask yourself what it is you want out of this.
    Also find your "sand line".
    That is, when it's time to go.
    Only you know what you can take.
    But figure out what you want early on so you don't keep moving that line back and becoming a doormat.
    You don't have to tell us everything you figure out, but I'd figure it out for your sanity.
    Then I'd do something selfish.
    Nails hair.
    Make sure you feel good.
    And get ready for the uphill battle ahead of you.
    Deleted Account and Bel like this.
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    And that's a great streak!
    Yeah, I agree with @Broken3

    . I wouldn't have touched the phone.
    Also, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
    @TooMuchTooSoon, @AnonymousAnnaXOXO are other great resources.
    We all have journals/resources on here also.
    Our PAs are in very different places.
    Maybe take some time to read them and get your barrings.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. Yup yup..I was in this same exact place. I think the problem is at least for my husband...he's been trying on his own to stop for years and fails, most of his friends would not see P as being an issue, he is shy and not comfortable opening up to ppl (he is just starting to open up to me). I really can't explain why they don't do the work to help themselves like we are. But for some reason we have to shove in their face for them to see it. Kind of like when they open he fridge to look for the ketchup but can't find it and you have to point out that it's right in front of their face. Hopefully you can get some ideas from reading some of our journals. My journey is just a little further down the road than your. And by a little I mean like 3 or 4 weeks. But I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. Hope this helps! Hang in there!
    Bel likes this.
  9. OneSadYear

    OneSadYear Fapstronaut

    I'm reading through people's journals and posts. If only my house would clean itself so I could poke around here all day.
    I was hoping to seeeveryone's expectations lists or line in the sand lists. Are they all in one place somewhere?
    I'm also trying to figure out where to encourage my husband to start. I think a 90 day no porn challenge wouldn't be too hard for him as he's gone much longer. He was part of some sort of daily email encouragement thing before,but because it focused on fighting daily urges, he felt it didn't apply so he quit.
    Coming across a porn mag while alone on the jobsite is hopefully not going to happen again. I think he mostly needs to work on honesty and not ogling women since I think that sets him up for failure when porn becomes an option.
    Bel and Kenzi like this.
  10. @Jolie actually made a thread the other day about boundaries. Lots of good stuff there. You can search things too and thread will come up. IMO To start you should have him do at least no PM and only O with you. And maybe refer him to come on here. He doesn't need to read your stuff but other PAs might be helpful. Lots of success stories and experiences from other PAs could be helpful too.
    Bel likes this.
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yeah.... Umm... Linking it.... Crap battery dying
  12. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I emphasized those words for a reason. Having been there, I can confidently say that this addiction is nearly impossible to conquer by yourself. I would highly, highly suggest that your husband find a local SAA group where he can share his story and feelings in the flesh. It won't be a magic bullet that heals him, but it will be a huge step in a good direction. The addiction thrives on isolation. Obviously sexuality and PMO is very personal, but the whole notion that "no one needs to know" is many times the very thing that keeps the addiction growing.

    I also think it creates a very uncomfortable dynamic when the wife/partner is the one keeping the restrictions code on the addict's phone. It puts the partner in the position of being "the police," and can make the addict feel like a supervised child. If at all possible, I recommend that he have a trusted accountability partner set it for him--even better if it's a mutual friend that you both know and trust.

    Personally, one of my brothers in SAA has the restrictions code for my phone. I can't browse the internet on my phone whatsovever. I have dozens of apps that do 99% of what I need, and if I do need to use the actual internet, I have Covenant Eyes filtering and accountability software on my desktop computer. This setup has been a godsend for me.

    (if you guys are Apple users, click the first link in my sig to see a video about how to lock down an iPhone 100% ... it's even me doing the narration)

    This cracked me up. I can't tell you how many times my ex-wife did that for me!
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hahaha! @Broken3.... Quoting me on the ketchup!

    & @SuperFan I agree about the codes.... My SO gave them to my sister.
    I don't have them.
    You do have to trust someone else not your partner for somethings.
    And that's not always the AP ether, IMO, who is also struggling. (unless they aren't a PA)
    you made some good points.
    Each persons set up will be unique as their journey to get here was unique.
    Customized Reboots.
  14. Idk how pick individual quotes BUT I am pretty sure he would never go to SAA. I tried talking to him about it 3yrs ago and he was freaked out he's too shy for that. He did meet w a men's group back then but I think they all eventually stopped meeting bc it for hard for everyone to show up. I also agree 100% about an AP. He doesn't feel any of his friends are candidates and thinks it would be wierd to get one on here. He makes it difficult so I don't's up to him. I'm just on him to make sure he is actively doing everything in his power to help his recovery. It's a very slow process for my liking but I'm trying to hang in there. We do have covenant eyes on computer and laptop and I have the password for his phones and tablet bc I set the parental controls. So no private browsing and no inappropriate pages. I don't check on him all the time but just having the availability accessible if I wanted is more of a piece of mind and it helps him think twice as well. It obviously won't stop him if he really wanted and he has fb and instagram so if he really wanted to. I'm am not interested in being his parent or the porn police he is well aware but until he gets an AP I'm sort of subbing so to speak. It hasn't caused any issues as of yet. He has been straight so far but he also hasn't had to tell me of a relapse yet.
  15. OneSadYear

    OneSadYear Fapstronaut

    Sounds like my husband.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Highlight the passage you want to quote. A little pop-up will appear. Click on +Quote. It will start creating a collection of the passages you're selecting. Then, when you go down to fill out your reply, hit "Insert Quotes."

    Fair enough. It might not be the right fit for him. But I'll say this--before an addict can truly recover, he has to reach a place where he's literally willing to try anything to get better. Until then, an addict is likely to only take the measures he's comfortable with, and that will almost always leave him some kind of opportunity to act out, which is usually what ends up happening.

    100% agree with you here. You don't want to get into a situation where you're pressing him to 'do more' in terms of his recovery. I experienced that with my ex-wife. She had the best intentions in the world--she was trying to save our marriage, afterall--but it felt like she was micro-managing my recovery, which just made me resent the process and drag my feet.

    I totally get that. It's not ideal, but it's way better than him having the codes. You have to work with whatever he's comfortable with. But if that doesn't produce progress, you have a right to decide how long you're willing to hold out without him taking more drastic measures. At some point, you may find that you need to start laying down some consequences. That's what my ex needed to do, and it was healthy for her and for me when she did that.
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My SO does lists, he came up with them for himself and in turn they give me piece of mind.
    I can't argue with a piece of paper, if he's written it down and is Doing it.
    It also shows accountability and helps rebuild trust.
    It is a good system to see physically, progress every day.
    And for SAA
    If you look at the website, depending on your area (if US)
    they hold meetings on the web once a month due to popularity.
    Like Skype or something.
    (just so you know)
    They also send free resources. SLAA &
    PAA does too.
  18. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

    Kenzi likes this.
  19. Drewdee446

    Drewdee446 Guest

    I think one way to help a partner may be a consequences list
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Kenzi like this.
  20. Yes consequences as a result of breaking the boundaries list. But do you really to set the consequences up front? I feel that you just need to know that there will be consequences. I'm could say that for watching P the consequence is sleeping on the couch but maybe when it happens I change my mind can't handle it and want to leave instead. I think that it should be made clear that there WILL be consequences but not necessarily the severity of them.
    Kenzi likes this.

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