starting my Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Syx19, May 15, 2018.

  1. So hello i start these journal today after reseting my no PMO streak of 350 days so nearly a year i still didnt have an orgasm and or fapped but watched porn a lot

    some information about me

    Im addicted to sissy porn
    started masturbating at the age of 11 or 12 and now am 18
    I have problems with social anixiety low selfesteem low confidence and the feeling of not knowing what i should do with my life i have sucidal thougths sometimes and at the moment probably have a depression i cry a lot and drink alcohol to feel good
    I also was a gaming addict and have like 6000 hours ingame so i really played trough one year of my lifetime

    This journal probably will have a lot of triggering stuff in the future and also i tend to swear a lot when i talk out of my mind just so you know that when you want to follow my journal or get here randomly

    yeah thats pretty much it :)
     
  2. Thank you
    I learned some stuff on the journey yes but really its just a number for me i mean after 100 days you really dont care about your streak anymore so 200 300 400 it really doesnt matter to me
     
  3. It's great to see you've started a journal @Syx19, I will add it to my watched threads. It's really brave facing what you're facing, at 18 a lot of people have little awareness of their problems or are in denial about them (I was anyway). It sounds like you have a lot of insight into your problems already which is half the battle.

    Keep going, I think journaling will help you a lot.
     
    PMO addict, RDBTau and Syx19 like this.
  4. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    Agreed. You are doing some great things! You're gonna be awesome!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. Day 1
    Soo first day had some mood swings today constantly switch from being angry to sad and also was very close to relapse im also searching for good videos for finding my purpose or acepting my life yet didnt found anything helpful also my head is feeling like it explodes since i think about so many things at the same time
    Also went out today for a walk and my social anixiety was really back again i think i couldnt even walk around outside anymore without headphones in
    But i dindt cry today so thats a plus
     
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  6. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    Good job on the first day--congratulations, each day is a victory. I left you a PM with some more thoughts. Keep searching for that purpose. Like our PMO journeys, finding your purpose is also a journey. Let me say I totally understand how you feel about accepting your life...and I have a lot more to look back on. The key is remembering each day is a new day and we take them one at a time making the most we can of each one. Sure there are things in our past we wish were different and some of those choices affect who we are today. However, what matters most is what we decide to do with today. You're a good man, don't ever doubt that. During my first days of leaving PMO I had the same mood swings and I wanted to go back soooo bad. Stay strong my Brother. I know that you can do it!
     
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  7. You could use this journal to get out some of those thoughts that keep going round your head? You're doing great, keep going. ☺
     
    RDBTau likes this.
  8. yeah maybe in the future but rigth now im fine day 2 was much better
     
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  9. Day 2
    so day 2 i feel pretty good at the moment still had some relapse thougths but it wasnt such a bad day and also the swiss ice hockey team qualified for the semi-finals in the world cup today so that makes me happy to

    btw thank all of you for your support :)
     
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  10. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    Good to hear your relapse thoughts were better today and that you're feeling pretty good. And congrats on your team making the semi-finals!
     
    Syx19 likes this.
  11. Day 3
    yeah i feel pretty bad i really dont wanna leave the house
    i just hate the feeling of how i actually got tricked by this system to feel like i feel now a fe years ago i couldnt understand how people take drugs why people get addicted to gambling or why people spend to much money at things like cars or clothes and just blaming it on there problems and now im here 18 and just am the same

    Just wanting to be more popular, wanting to have money, wanting to have multple girls around me like stuff that doesnt mean shit
    And also i feel like i just am so dependet on what people think of me it makes me sick of myself but i cant stop it
    and feel like i just have the need to hear that people feel soory for me
    idk why but that just makes me happy to hear that people feel soory for me since im such a nice person so intelligent so young or idk
    how dumb is that and i dont know why i am like that
    also because my porn addiction was like the opposite since i got hard from girls telling me that i cant do shit or am a looser
    and having this need to just have somone that loves me probably because i dont love myself
    but at least i dont wanna relapse at the moment since i just am so angry at the people who published this fucked up videos
    the only thing im looking forward today is the semi final against canada
     
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  12. Day 4
    Feeling worse again left my house today it actually felt hard to do after having a free week and basically just staying at home social anixiety was high and yeah i just wanted to be somewhere else where i dont have to lock at a face from another human i was going to the house of my friend drank alcohol and watched the world cup finals swiss lost which really sucks

    little scared to go to work on tuesday

    also im scared for my finals exams in 1.5 weeks hopefully i pass
     
    A leaf likes this.
  13. Day 6
    Well today was pretty bad
    Work was lame af and i felt like the day never ends luckly it did and im at home now it sucked that i couldnt go home to eat lunch so i didnt really had the option to cry and had to hold it back...
    This just all sucks to hard i really need a new job or something because if i live my life like i am at the moment im either going to end up dying because of an overdose or jumping in front of a train
    Or i just end up going to jail

    But atleast i didnt had social anixiety that hard today only if i saw pretty girls but thats porn induced
     
  14. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    Hey man, sorry to hear you had a sucky day. Those are the worst. So we talked about jobs that you would like to do, is there anything that you can change to that would help you feel a little better going to work? I mean I know how it is going to work in a job you hate. I remember more than once wanting to punch the wall when I got home from one job I was in. Not that I recommend that.

    You're a good guy, I know there are some hard times. I get that. Be vigilant, think of some happy times in your life and remember that things can get better. Let's work towards that.
     
    Syx19 likes this.
  15. Day 7
    well my first week without watching any Porn
    today pretty much started as shitty as yesterday but got better over time specially when my coworker told me im going to be on another building site
    and i really didnt felt to bad as long as i didnt thougth about my life
    I kinda think its just a lot of stuff together thats making me feel bad not only the fact that i achived nothing big until now
    and i think im kinda scared of getting older i mean im 18 now and i just cant think about being old i mean when im older people expect you to act older, dress older making smarter decisions
    i mean most people i know want a wife, kids and a nice house when they are older but i feel like that will be the lamest shit ever and also i dont like kids they annoy me
    and also what makes me sader is probably the fact that i never really am troughly myself because im afraid of what people think of me
    thats in what music i listen to, what i wanna wear, what i do in my free time, what my dreams are
    im just way to scared to get judged for something by other people
    thats also why i dont have a tattoo already even doe i have thousands of ideas i mean if people hate something i wear or i get juged to often i can just stop wearing it but thats not so easy with tattoos
     
  16. Day 8
    Today was a good day it was a very chilled day and yeah nice weather and had a fun time with my coworker
    still am afraid what happens in the future i just hope i pass my exams
    I really feel like i overreact to a lot of stuff
    like if im stressed out by soemthing i wanna take drugs kill myself etc.
    if something good happens im super motivated for like 10 minutes and after that i feel shit again
    and every day feels completly diffrent my mind is a rollercoaster
     

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