Still hard

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Chudmeister, Jul 8, 2019.

  1. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    Ive pretty much kicked the porn, and orgasm part. But now I'm having issues with masterbation, its still putting a hinder on my marriage. Ive been to a support group once but I hadn't gone back due to certain things happening. Last sun I could have gone. My wife asked me if I watched pork today I said now, and I. Didn't i masturbated. She says it's the ED that's been eating at her. I'm trying really hard to improve but it has been all difficult and nobody really understands I'm in tears while writing this because i feel like every thing falls apart.
     
  2. There is nothing that can be done about the ED, just time. If she is unwilling to be patient, it might be time to reassess your marriage. Maybe too much damage has been done.
     
  3. Have you tried talking to her about it. Like actually dive deep into her feelings?
    I’ll give you an example from my own relationship I’m not sure if it will help but worth a try.
    For the longest time I felt unattractive towards my partner (still do) I would notice that I could dance around the house naked and he’d never be turned on. I could wear lingerie and get no response. I took this to mean he thought I was ugly and fat. Then I found out about the porn. All those feelings of being not enough were true! He didn’t get aroused looking at me because he obviously wasn’t attracted to me -as I look nothing like the women in the porn her chooses to watch. Not only was porn the other woman- she was better! She was thousands of prettier women who I could never compete with. It all made sense why he was never aroused just by looking at me. I’m disgusting in comparison. Months go by and he’s quit PMO but I have noticed that when we are intimate he has to close his eyes. He is using my body as a masturbation tool- imagining porn in his head. I’m so terrified that if he opens his eyes and sees me he will go limp because he obviously isn’t attracted to me or else he would want to look at me.
    I asked my man to imagine that my boobs were like a penis. They were constantly deflated and flat when I am around him but when we go to the beach he notices I now have massive perfect boobs around all the hot jacked men. That is what it feels like for me.

    Ask yourself an honest question. When you masturbate do you imagine your wife? Or are you picturing anyone besides her?
     
    fadedfidelity and Butterfly1988 like this.
  4. A. No one masturbates to their wives....that's just weird.

    B. After a while with the same woman, it's difficult to get really turned on, no matter how you look, we crave new women, porn or no, that's how we are wired. You're taking this too personally

    C. Also I'm assuming you have put no time into the science of the addiction, or you'd know that no matter how good you look, you aren't a screen with pixels, so you aren't the message his brain is looking for, for arousal. Not to be cruel, but it sounds like you have a lot of hang ups on yourself, and your taking the physiological reaction he is experiencing, and blaming it on yourself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2019

  5. My point exactly- she’s upset about the masturbating because he’s mentally cheating

    That’s where you are very wrong. Porn addicts might react like this but not every man. I was previously married to someone who was always aroused looking at me, ive had other relationships the same. My current partner is a porn addict and just as you say “craves” that variety.

    My point was to take it personally so maybe I could help explain why his wife is feeling so hurt
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  6. Mentally cheating is really a stretch, you are either cheating with another person or you aren't. You're either pregnant or you aren't. Cheating involves some level of interaction and emotion. You can't interact with dead pixels on a screen. You aren't the only woman to speak like this. To he honest it wreaks of victimhood and feels very illogical.
     
    Theamos likes this.
  7. I suggest you start reading some of the women’s journals to get a better picture of what this addiction is really like for us.
    Im going to assume you’ve got something else to say in regards to this, so say it, but I’m not going to continue this conversation because it’s clear you haven’t the slightest clue what betrayal trauma is. Take care.
     
  8. Not sure what betrayal trauma is, sounds like something the snowflake gen invented. What really is happening is an imbalance in neurotransmitters and an imperfect brain acting out a compulsion. As far as we can tell your man hasn't been unfaithful to you. Again, there is no interaction between him and a screen. There is no infidelity, there is no other human being. My lady has been with me since our early 20s, she knew about my addiction before I did. She didn't cry or get upset, she just accepted it. She didn't turn it around on herself and make herself a victim.
     
  9. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    What could be more snowflake than humping your phone any time you feel stress.
     
  10. Maybe making a pointless comment attempting to insult someone? But missing the mark miserably.
     
  11. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

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    My addiction once effected me in ED, not even PMO would work at times. I wrote this in this forum before and I use ED meds that help boost my confidence and I was able to go back and feel normal with my partner.
    I am not suggesting ED meds, but for me it made me feel like I could perform in any circumstances and it made it easier on my brain. I love my wife more then the world itself. And she is a very attractive person. So it was me, not her that made my ED issue appear. Now oddly for me being able to perform in my relationship has put PMO on the back burner, I still revert back to PMO, but also never deny my partner. And as time goes on even without meds my ED is vanishing. I wake up in the night and morning at times with a pyhsical effect like I took ed meds, but had not for days. Tells me my body is repairing its self. And by looking to my partner more for the results and not PMO my situation is improving and better yet self loathing is all but gone.

    I am not a doctor and not suggesting taking pills is the answer, it could make it worse. PMO and ED meds could be a win win for an addict. I had to be sure I performed well so I would feel like the old me. May be odd to some to use ED meds to help PMO addiction. But in my case I must have always desired my partner even with PMO. But the PMO was clouding my brain. I now have desire for my partner, which I am sure will continiue to make her more important and PMO less.
     
  12. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

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    I hope the OP is doing OK he didnt respond after posting this thread.
     
  13. He is in LA so it’s 10am there so maybe he wrote this before bed then went right to work this morning. He will probably log on in the afternoon :)
     
    AnxietyDude likes this.
  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    It feels illogical to YOU. Maybe period pain doesn't exist because you don't experience it? Maybe the world really disappear if you put a cardboard box on your head?

    To women, hidden porn use feels like cheating. It hurts incredibly, unbelievably much
    . You are blessed that you have never experienced the torture and you should thank your lucky star every day that your mental health is intact. The majority of partners who find out their partner has a problem with porn use experience PTSD. In 2004, porn use was involved in 56% of all divorces. Imagine how much that number has increased now. Imagine all those women, who feel so betrayed that they are willing to walk out of a life they have invested years to build just because the sense of being robbed of their feminine powers are so devastating.

    A lot of men commit suicide because of bad financial investments. I struggle to understand it, because I don't see the immediate link between being financially well off and being a succesful male. But for men, this is real. Let us never underestimate other people's mental struggles but instead try to learn more about them, reach out and prevent unnecessary suffering.
     
  15. I'm going to go ahead and call BS on the PTSD. And with the divorce, going to need you to site that. PTSD is a road side bomb blowing a humvee over and some of the guys inside walking away when their buddy doesn't. And I really fail to see how "feminine power" is taken away. With that line of reasoning, a woman brings little more than a vagina to a relationship? I'm just trying to seperate facts from what seems like a lot of self persecution. The man in the relationship has the real problem, the real addiction. It seems to me the women are really in search of interjecting themselves into the problem with victimization.
     
  16. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Divorce statistics:
    https://www.protectyoungminds.org/2017/02/16/marriage-porn-everyone-needs-know/

    PTSD in relationships where porn is involved:
    https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&sou...aw0mNHxoggMFemTlIvQ5ff8l&ust=1562780617945057

    Have you ever asked yourself what masculinity means to you? I'm sure you hold yourself to certain standards. I can bet that you, consciously or subconsciously, have created ideas of what being a man means to you. Maybe not living up to those standards would make you feel bad about yourself?

    Women have a strong sense of femimity that goes far and beyond "being a vagina". Porn takes that away from her. Porn addiction is certainly a male issue, but being rejected by a spouse that prefers porn is a real hurtful experience. Years of bad sex because of PIED and general disinterest is painful. Having being lied to to the point of not knowing what's real or not is soul chattering. Getting your finances in the toilet because a man pays for cam girls is a punch in the face. Having to take care of children and a household because a husband is in the bathroom taking care of himself is exhausting. Having to forget about romance because porn has killed it is devastating. Having to see nude women all the time in the family computer, sometimes in front of others, is embarrassing. Please read up on women's suffering before you dismiss them so easily.
     
  17. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    I mean I can see what women feel during this, a lot of people just don't.understand this addiction. I'm better today just lonely and sad. I'm still very much attracted to my wife, I just masterbate too much and cant preform. I do feel bad for my wife for what emotions i put her through
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. You got me, those are good points and I can't argue with them.
     
    Kenzi and Strength And Light like this.
  19. I suppose I don't fully understand the want of a woman to be desired by her husband. I think more along the lines, if he's taking care of business, then she doesn't have to. ‍
     
  20. It is not a want it’s a need. You as a man can understand the need for your wife to respect you, correct? As women we have a need to be desired by our husbands. So when he is taking care of business as you say we assume that it is because there is something wrong with us.

    There is an article that you might like
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/what-women-really-want_b_5295735/amp
     
    Lilla_My likes this.

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