Struggling to forgive my mom

I frequently feel angry and frustrated because my mom stole a huge shoe box of prescription pills from me about a year ago. Whenever I ask about them she just tells me that I wont ever find them. I was never addicted. All the pills was painkillers, stuff like valium, Sobril and some sleeping pills. Not sure how many it was. 500 pills in total maybe. I never bothered to hide them from my mother. I was open about how much I used them and mom told me that she trusted me having those pills.

I mostly used them against extreme pain. The reason I ended up with so many of them was that I didn't use all of the pills I was prescribed. I was hoarding them in a way. One day however right after I got hospitalised to threat my psychosis she took all of it.

I mean, they got quite a bit of street value. Not that I was planning on selling them but I was quite angry. I trusted her and she backstabbed me. If I was even a little unsure about her I would obviously have hidden them.

I have some debt to her but I am considering not paying a penny until she returns it. It was my property so she has to give it back.

With that said I shouldn't be so mad. It is just how I feel. It is not like I need those pills for any reason right now. It is just that whole process of earning my trust and breaking it the way she did. She was obviously concerned. I had 2 suicide attempts in the past and was going into an institution for 8 months. I had one more suicide attempt there. On pills again. Not really a full hearted attempt. I was just super frustrated and wanted to show everyone that it wont help taking them away. I can always go and get cyanide or whatever.

The post wasn't going to be about that really. I am just mad at my mom for trying to control me. She cant. I understand she are worried but if I really wanted to end it I would just use a knife. Stealing my medicines only ruined my trust in her. Now I am hiding everything and I dont even talk to her about a lot of things which I did before. I thread carefully.

 

Trying to do Loving kindness meditation regularly btw. It helps some but with my mom it is very hard. That backstabbing hurts just as bad as it did a year ago.

 

@IGY yea I know I put the comma in there after I said painkillers. I had Tramadol, Paralgin forte, Nobligan and even a few oxynorm as painkillers as well as the other medicines. I just always feel that she is being over protective and in an ironical way that lack of trust ended up in my last overdose. I am angry at my mom for a lot of things, not only that she confiscated my medicines. Most of it is irrational and I dont even know why I am mad sometimes.