Struggling with depression and memory loss.

Hi,

This is the first time I am creating a thread in this forum. The only reason is that I feel lonely and I have a need to express myself somewhere or to someone.

I am 23 years old and a loser so far. I don't know how my life got to this point. I discovered my porn addiction and internet addiction 2,5 years ago. I can't believe I haven't still recovered.

I have been through many phases since then: first of all, I had a shock that really messed me up when I discovered I was addicted to porn. Since then I had severe anxiety attacks for about a whole year. I was constantly thinking that I had destroyed myself as an individual for good by altering my sexual preferences.

At some point I got to a psychiatrist who said that he couldn't help me since he didn't know shit about internet and porn addiction. Just to clarify, this visit to the psychiatrist had happened after I had tried to abstain from porn for a lot of months. I had reached a point where I was better than before and my parents where happy about me. But then the exams kicked in, I got anxious again and I returned to my old habits.

All these happened through the COVID-19 phase. After the exams, I got to the university again (which is pretty far from where I grew up) I was like "U know what? I got tired of this bullshit. I want to have some fun since this pandemic fucked me way harder than I was already fucked". So, I didn't pay any attention to my recovering journey I things got worse from this point. I was always thinking I had to do something but I didn't because I was tired of trying and failing. I kept lying to my parent about my recovery. Then, at some point I had a second slap. I made another try to abstain from porn and masturbation by socializing and trying to be a more interesting person in general. But then I realized something that still makes me sad to think of until now: I couldn't focus on anything and my memory was so just... awful. I couldn't retain new information and I noticed that I couldn't remember much of my past. This made me sad, really sad.

I told my parents about it and they tried to convince me that I am fine but I knew this wasn't true. I went to a second psychiatrist who gave me anti-depressants. I told her everything about my addictions and my memory issues and she thought that drugs was the best approach. So, I tried them for 5 months, but at this period I was trapped inside my house. I had left the place where I lived as an undergraduate student ('cause of money issues) and now I was living with my brother and I had taken a job as a janitor (don't worry I didn't give up on my studies, I just couldn't afford to live near my university anymore). But, I had no social life only internet and this lead me to be more depressed and also fatter.

Now, I am back in the university and I am ready to finish my thesis and move on with my life except... I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to move on. I am really sad about never quitting porn but I am even sadder that I have forgotten who I am. Literally. I can't remember my childhood, my relationship with my brothers, my imagination that I used to have... I don't know how to move on, I don't feel the strength to keep existing.

 

Thanks, I was having a mental breakdown yesterday, now I am better. It actually helps to open up to strangers (even through the internet).