Everyone craves success, be it in their reboots, work or studies. This sweet taste of success is what everyone wants, getting something that they have desired for so long, working their ass off to get it. All these just make success so much sweeter. But deep within, success is not who you think it is. It is not that friendly person who will just give you that pat on the back and said you've done well, but it'll give you so much more, and more often than not it'll not be something pleasant. Proudness, ego, overconfidence comes together as a package when you receive success. This is what I'm suffering from now. This is a very important year for me since a very major examination is coming up in just like 2 weeks. So in order to prepare us for it, the school made 2 preliminary examinations which I already took. And to cut things short, you can say I did achieve success in those 2 preliminary examinations. As a student, I'm never the brightest nor the smartest, and in the past few years I never bothered to do any revision since I thought I was able to get the results without even putting in any effort. The results for the past few years was predictable, but not this year. As mentioned earlier, this is an important year so I studied a lil' bit more than usual and trained my self-discipline throughout this whole year (My reboot really helped too). And guess what, my second preliminary marks is enough to get me into the top one college in my country! Never in the past have I thought I would even have that chance to get anywhere close to those top colleges, and after my results came, I still didn't dare to think about it since I know the consequences of doing so. Overconfidence has occurred very often in my life, and it always screwed me over more than a few times. I have a habit of doing a bit well in one exam and then doing very badly for the very next exam due to my overconfidence. So this time when my results came, I was very worried. I didn't want history to repeat and tried my hardest to ignore my marks and just think of them as non-existent. Since the next exam is my actual major one that I'll be taking very soon. So why do I call it a curse? Shouldn't I feel at least a little pride in doing very decently? I wish things were so simple. I tried to be as humble as I possibly can, even searching google to find ways to be humble. But no matter how hard I try, this thought of "I'm pretty good in my studies" keep appearing in my head! I want it gone so bad, I want to be that person I was before when I had no problems with the need of being humble. Also, the stress of me not doing as well as my preliminary scores scare the shit out of me. So little background info, my school usually sets the paper for preliminaries wayyyy harder than the actual paper for the major exams, so generally students get much higher marks for the major exams than marks from preliminary exams. But if you think about it, I just need to get the same mark for the major exams to get the to top college. But this fear of not performing up to standard, and that my marks in the preliminaries were just luck, really disturbs me. I really want to know ways of making myself truly humble. I really tried the ways google taught me, but for some reason I don't see any improvements. I still argue with my father a lot when he tries to teach me as if I'm looking down on him. I really hate myself for doing that since my father genuinely wants to teach me, but I keep bullshitting him and he sensed my overconfidence and told me about it. I accepted it and now I really need to change before it's too late. I know many NoFappers here are adults with loads of life experiences, I really want to hear them and learn from them. I don't want to be the ultimate loser who claims victory in these preliminaries and fail at the actual test. I want to be the real winner who smiles till the very end. Help really needed! (I'll really appreciate it if you can elaborate the points and not just state the tips, sorry for this request but I need some explanation as Google gave loads of tips but those couldn't help me)
You have to remember that exams don't define you, doing well in an exam doesnt make you a better person and not doing well doesn't make you any worse of a person. Exams are important for life but they are not the "be all and end all". I know it's easier said than done but it's something we all probably have to work on. If you do well, just accept that you did well in that exam but remember that it's only an exam and your self worth shouldn't be dependent on it. We all have things that our self worth depends on but part of becoming an emotionally healthy human being is to value yourself regardless of what you do. If you do this, you are not going to get arrogant because you realise that external things are ultimately meaningless. A good relationship with yourself will lead to stronger relationships with friends and family and you will no longer be so absorbed in you ego because you will just be (I know that sounds a bit corny). Also while exams are obviously important, try not to worry about them so much and don't worry about how you feel about your exams either, if you think "I'm really good at my studies" try not to feel guilty about that (I have found that guilt and arrogance fuel each other because they are both about being wrapped up in ego). Similarly, if you do badly in an exam, don't wallow in guilt and self-pity, think about where you are going to go from there (e.g.whether to can repeat the exam) When you stop worrying about your own arrogance, and implement something practical then your arrogance will eventually disappear altogether. Also, (if I'm not mistaken about what to are referring to) when your fapping and feeling bad about yourself, that is not humility, again you are wrapped up in your own guilt and ego. Focusing on ways to improve you life and not worrying so much is in my experience the most affective way of growing. Keep your chin up bro and don't worry yourself too much, I don't like saying "I know how you feel" but I'm also a worrier and I can say you are not alone in you struggles. Focus on the good things in your life and don't be too hard on yourself.
Similar life story here. I've always defined my own worth through exams and grades, and hardly ever had to put in regular or hard work for it. People congratulated me saying "you're so smart" rather than "you worked so hard", so I never had an incentive to work hard and felt more or less entitled the whole time... And this applied to all areas of my life. I would pick up guitar and play some tune, then people would say "you're just gifted" and I wouldn't try much harder to improve that skill. If I ever have kids, I will always keep compliments to a minimum, and not define them with my words. Otherwise it would be a disservice to them.
Just do your best be a bit obsessive on that perticular study since you are interested in doing good on it having purpose why then you will know how
Sorry guys for not replying sooner, had a lot of work to revise for the upcoming major exams. @Soldier99 I appreciate what you said, and I do know that exams indeed don't define a person's worth, it doesn't show whether he has a good heart, neither does it show his other abilities such as creativity or artistic talents. But the country that I live in believes in meritocracy, so obviously grades are very important if one wants to progress and improve their socio-economic status. I definitely think exams are really important since it really is the only way I can thank and repay what my parents did for me. They migrated to a better country so as to allow me to lead a better life, but by doing so they have to sacrifice living luxuriously since what they learn in university can't exactly apply to this new country and hence they have to take up lower-paying jobs as compared to the jobs that they can take up in their home country. I do really love them, which is why I have to do well in my exams. This explains why I'm so harsh on myself, why I can't afford to be arrogant. I cannot lose my progress after much hard work. I'm not exactly an egoistic person, but rather I'll be silently caught up in my over-confidence, and over-estimate my abilities. It's really hard to not be over-confident and also not look down on myself at the same time. Any suggestions and examples of implementing something practical? I think that will help me a lot. @Bale I know that feeling m8, when you don't exactly put in that much effort to a test or not as much effort as others but still excel in it. It always results in jealousy in others and sometimes even disbelief from them. What's worst is that sometimes I'll get too caught up in this myriad of praise and awe that I'll get cocky and over-confident in my abilities. This is exactly what I'm fearing I'll become again for my major exams. I don't want to over-estimate myself but often when I try to do that, I instead look down on my abilities. Also, it also gets really irritating how others will call you cocky for some shit that you say when you do well in a test, but won't say you're cocky anymore no matter how much bullshit you throw at them after not doing well in a test. It's pretty weird and annoying to me really. Even my parents sometimes try to warn me not to be cocky when in actuality what I just said to them had completely no intentions of boasting. They also know my weakness and thus will try to warn me before it gets too late.
Firstly, it totally makes sense that you feel that you have to do well in exams because of your parent's sacrifice, but could it be that there is some amount of guilt about your parents sacrificing a more luxurious life for you? If so, this guilt could be associated with doing exams and that would explain the large amount of worry and the high stakes that you feel about doing exams. It sounds like it's more than just about to getting a good mark but it's about making your parent's sacrifice worthwhile. Parents can be pressurising and that can be hard but ultimately everything they do is so that you can be happy because they love you. I don't doubt that your parents ultimately want you to be happy in life, that is why they made that sacrifice and want you to do well in exams, so you can get a good job and get money, but ultimately so you can be happy. Remember exams, a good job and money are all merely a means to an end, that end being happiness. While your parents ultimately want you to be happy, the pressure you feel because of their sacrifice and perhaps the pressure you feel directly from them to do well in exams and not be cocky etc. really makes you unhappy. And that is exactly what your parents don't want, maybe these are things that you can talk about with them, parents really can get it wrong and sometimes it's good to calmly explain to them some things that they do that bother you. Remember that everything your parents do is for you, if you don't do well in an exam, they may act as if they are disappointed in you but really they are disappointed for you because they know it will make you unhappy, although it may not come across in the right way. Parents often express their desire for their children's happiness in the wrong way and we can pick up on it and it makes us feel guilty and we become desperate to please them but really all are parents want is for us to be happy. We should desire our happiness as much as our parents and we should want to do well in life firstly for ourselves. When hopefully your parents are old then you can pay them back by looking after them but for now at you age, you can must focus on doing things for your own happiness and wellbeing. When doing well in exams becomes about to future and your happiness in life then they become much easier to deal with. In terms of approaching exams, in my experience it is important not to get overwhelmed by the pressure, focus on the the exam you are revising for, not on the results of past exams or on future exams. Forget about the possible result of the exams, focus first on the content and making it enjoyable to learn, try and make revision immerse.The method of revision depends on what to enjoy, maybe writing a song or thinking of a funny rhythm to help you with something might be helpful, maybe making colourful notes is more your thing Also don't revise for too long and make a plan for when you are going to revise and stick with it, making sure you have breaks in between and reward yourself after you revision for the day, maybe with an episode of a TV show you like. (I'm sure you've heard this before, I'm really no expert but sometimes it's good for a reminder) Remember also that getting a job you enjoy will probably depend on doing subjects you enjoy and that will help with revising. I am honestly far from perfect when it comes to exams and often resort to reading textbooks a lot of the time, remember you are only human and you may not do as much or as effective revision as you would like, but having a plan and enjoying revision really helps. All I can really say from my experience is that worry and guilt go together with arrogance, but I don't think you are really arrogant in the sense that your think you're amazing and everyone else is below you, it seems to me more like overconfidence, but if you focus more on getting revision done, telling yourself in the back of your mind that you are worth the effort, instead of being motivated by guilt and a need to please your parents then the ego will be far less influential. Joy in the moment and the pursuit of happiness makes the ego null and void (contrary to the what our intuitions may tell us) Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I have found that happiness is a mindset, having money and a good job certainly helps, but we will always have hardships, sometime because of things that happen to us and or someone else care about, and sometimes because we screw up and let ourselves and others down. But part of life is finding ways to deal with the hardships and the screw-ups and not to worry ourselves too much but to always strive to do the best we can do with what resources we have at the time. I hope I helped somewhat and that none of it sounded too cheesy. If I haven't answered your question please let me know and I will try, I am not a therapist or a life coach, this advice is really just from experience. Maybe if there are more underlying problems and if you can afford it I would definitely recommend some form of therapy, maybe for you or for you and your parents, it really doesn't mean you are particularly screwed up I honestly found it very helpful and as everyone has problems it would probably be helpful to everyone IMHO.
