To put it straight, I hate watching porn. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel bad even while I’m watching it; the only thing that keeps me going is that sickening temporary high, that millisecond of gratification that I receive in exchange for selling my soul. That brief moment of release I experience from selling my identity. It all starts with a feeling. I begin feeling such a persistent tension that I need to release somehow, some way, and porn is the “easiest” outlet. The tension is natural stress that builds throughout the week. Work, school, errands, people, to-do lists. Eventually this stress, combined with my manly urges, becomes a mountain of tension that weighs on my mind and body. I can resist the urge for only so long before finally giving in. Willpower gives way to instinctual craving, and once that switch is flipped, there’s no going back. I’m a runaway train on course for a brick wall. I believe the key to disrupting this cycle is by strengthening my identity through consistently accomplishing small goals. Goals such as posting on Nofap 3x per week. Goals such as reading 10 pages of an uplifting book each day. Goals such as sincerely complimenting people I interact with several times a day...Goals that define my identity. What are your thoughts?
Fantastic post by the way. I am much older than you but can identify alot. At some stage in the future, you might consider joining a 12-step meeting and getting support that way too. Your online sharing is excellent.
You understand that you're selling your soul for a quick high. The solution seems obvious. You need to give up porn. You need to imagine your life without ever feeling that high from porn. If you are scared of such a situation in any way then you haven't yet committed to the idea. You need to accept that this fun part of your life, where porn was a casual thing, is over now and you don't even enjoy it anymore. If you hold back then there is something inside you that isn't ready to let go of this addiction.
