DISCLAIMER I will be discussing my pornography habits in some amount of detail below, so be wary if you are easily triggered. Since I've joined this community, I've wanted to post some thoughts that have crossed my mind as I've reflected on my P habit over the past 10 years or so. I have always kind of wondered what drives the changes in my taste or what I look for when I waste hours at a time surfing the net for that perfect video. I've come to the conclusion based on my own experience that pornography is a very ironic habit for me. I find that, like many others, I can spend amazing amounts of time searching for the perfect video. In the middle of my seemingly endless searching I sometimes wonder why so much porn seems like crap. I find a gem every so often, and I wonder why there isn't more like it. I often find myself scouring the internet for amateur pornography because it feels more real. I can relate to it better. I look for people who seem like they might actually be in a relationship because it seems more real/intimate. Ultimately, my goals in searching for the right porn seem to indicate that I want a more intimate connection to the people I am watching, which is what is ironic about the whole thing. Nothing could possibly be less intimate than watching a video of people who having vulgar, unnatural sex. The people having sex more likely than not don't care at all about each other and maybe didn't even know each other for more than a few minutes before they took their clothes off and started imitating what is supposed to be the most intimate relationship people can have with each other. And beyond that, they don't even know or care that I'm watching them. The whole situation is the opposite of intimacy, but I'm desperately searching for something that feels intimate. No wonder it takes hours to finally settle on a disappointing video that was better than the others, but still not really that close to what I was looking for. The irony seems so obvious in my more sober moments. What I'm looking for is a a paradox, an oxymoron. It simply doesn't exist, which is a fact that makes me feel all the more pathetic when I PMO even though my wife is going to be home soon--my wife who actually cares about me, who knows me and my challenges, and who is more than willing to connect with me the real way--basically to give me exactly what I was looking for in vain on the internet. I'm certain this idea is probably not new to a lot of people, but I'm just interested to see if anyone else notices this about their porn habits.