The journey after a relapse is a grueling one

Just seeking some comfort right now, any words of comfort/advice would be helpful.

For the past 13 days, I think that I did my best in not relapsing. I did my best in mending my relationship with my sister and I did a good job school, especially that one project that I prepared weeks for. I did my best, and now that I think about it, I don't want to erase that just because I relapsed today.

Relapsing is honestly weird. You do it for a moment and everything feels good, and then when it all ends, it feels like hell and is a grueling journey to get through.

However, I feel like a flaw throughout the days where I didn't relapse is my mindset. I thought that I would never relapse again because I saw that it led me to have suicidal thoughts and made me realize that I didn't have a good relationship with my sister at all. But, I thought that would sustain me to not relapse. Turns out, I should have more aspects that show why relapsing is not something that I should do.

I hope I am making sense, but relapsing is not the one thing I should revolve my life on, because when it did, it made me feel like a ticking time bomb and a not a person who is here to live. I believe I should add more aspects in my life wherein I can immerse myself, so that I won't have the time to think about relapsing, if that makes sense.

Also, I have PTSD and anxiety, still living in an abusive household, with no real friendships and have not availed therapy for 3 weeks, lol. Of course, there are things which I should be grateful for, but the fact that I'm dealing with my mental condition takes that so much away. Like, it prevents me from living properly because I need to be conscious of how that is affecting me, which is obvious but, I wish I wouldn't have to think about how "broken" I am. Because honestly, this is probably the most mentally grueling year that I've had for my entire life.

Well, another flaw for today is that I didn't follow a schedule, or did my morning exercise, so I think I should be consistent with that. Since whenever I didn't do that, I always relapse.

But yeah, I do believe I also need to have healthy emotional processes in mind whenever I feel like I'm stuck with my feelings, and I do believe this will be more helpful if I create a community with people from here.

I don't know, I just know I need to journal all of this later for my sake. But, I do have a goal wherein I don't want to carry my habit of relapsing when I finally turn 20, sounds difficult as fuck, but I know I need to have a good system to ensure that promise I have.

If you have similar experiences, I would love to hear what has helped you, thank you.