The One That Got Away

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by 1978, Apr 5, 2019.

  1. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

    (Copied from my private journal with minor edits)

    I can remember her. It was at the woods recently. She was nice, with nice curly brown hair, nice legs in tight jeans, and quietly walking round the woods with her camera. On the face of it, she seemed like she could have been perfect for me.

    There was the first moment I could have spoken to her, when we were at the viewpoint overlooking the bridge. Then I followed her at a distance until the gate and sign by the road, where she stopped to look at the sign. I stopped to get a drink. It was my perfect opportunity to say something to her, like "Did you get any good photos?"

    But I didn't. And in the moment I could feel the opportunity slipping away from me. And what was I scared of?

    Then she walked off, and I will almost certainly never see her again. A lesson learned the hard way. Never let such an opportunity slip away again. It doesn't matter if what I say isn't quite right and I make a bit of a tit of myself. As long as I don't say anything offensive or threatening, it really doesn't matter. As long as I come across as friendly, that's all that matters.

    And what's the worst that could have happened? She would have made some kind of excuse and left. That's the thing, the worst that could happen is nowhere near as bad as feeling like you let an opportunity slip away.

    So, I have resolved, while I am single, if I am ever in situation like that again, I will say something, anything. It really doesn't matter.

    So that's the positive thing to have got from this. That's the last time I will make that mistake. I have finally learned my lesson. Never again. Just say something, anything, as long as it's friendly.

    Hey, maybe this is one of the benefits of the improv group I go to, learning how to think of things to say in the moment. So, any real life situation, it's just about getting into character and acting out a scene. I am the character of the friendly stranger who says something nice.

    But I will get over this. I've had other such situations and I've gotten over them. But this time I need to learn the lesson finally.
    Nugget9 and CH3RRY like this.
  2. Marik757

    Marik757 Fapstronaut

    This post is one of those things where I remind myself to act before I think. I been in situations myself like you where I hesitated.

    If I think before my approach I will overthink and freeze on the spot. I want to approach, but start 2nd guessing myself and believe the worse case scenario.

    If I act before I think, I put myself in an better position to go with the flow.

    Acting cant be as simple as asking someone "hey, how are you?" "what you doing?" Then go with the flow based on conversation.
    1978 likes this.
  3. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

    I remember being in a very similar situation several years ago. At the time my mind sort of went blank and I froze. It really affected me afterwards and I was kicking myself. Though at the time I was in my mid-20's, had never had any sort of girlfriend and my head was full of insecurities and anxieties, so being sociable with an attractive female that I didn't know wasn't something I was able to do.

    I would like to think that such a situation would not occur now, but there's always a part of the brain that thinks "What if?" when I am reminded of it.

    But yes, the lesson is take the difficult option and say something.
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    You can't just wait for these important situations to happen before taking action. With this approach, you're placing them above you, you below them, and you're trying to close that gap by trying to do something that you don't normally do. The opportunity comes out of nowhere and all of the sudden you think to yourself "time to turn on the better version of me". That's a good way to continue freezing up and hesitating in these situations.

    Become that better version of yourself (the one that wouldn't allow that opportunity to slip by) all the time. Make that version of yourself your new default state. So that you don't have to suddenly turn it on whenever someone you're attracted to shows up.

    Practice starting up interactions with people you come across throughout your day. At work / school / grocery store / gas station / on the streets / coffee shop / etc. Anywhere and everywhere. Practice with young and old / tall and short / big and small / female and male. The more you do this the more natural it will feel and you won't have to switch anything on when important situations arise. This will also get you interacting with all sorts of people and make you realize that people are just people. It doesn't matter how rich / famous / physically beautiful someone is... people are just people. Nobody is above you and you don't have to close that false gap by doing something other than your honest self expression. They're either interested or they're not. Trying to convince them to be interested in you rather than just seeing if she is interested is why you feel so much resistance and hesitation in those opportunities (trying to control the outcome because you can't handle rejection or mistakes / waiting for a guarantee before taking action).

    You shouldn't throw away your self respect so easily just because someone has good physical attributes. You don't know anything about them. You rejecting yourself before even giving yourself the chance to interact with someone out of fear is you throwing away your self respect. You would know this if you had more experience interacting with women and people in general.

    In order to interrupt someone's day by starting up an interaction, you have to believe that who you are as a person is valuable enough to warrant an interruption. She might not be interested, but you feel that you're worth it enough to see whether or not she is interested (and to see whether or not you're interested in her as well).

    It's not scary or hard when you treat her like a normal and flawed human being like anybody else. It's scary and hard if you feel that her physical attributes is more important than the value you as a person can offer.
    20B, 1978 and Nugget9 like this.
  5. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

    You make a very good point. Thank you. As someone who is naturally an introvert and slightly on the autistic spectrum, striking up conversations with strangers is something that doesn't necessarily come naturally to me. But you're right, it's probably just a case of getting into the habit of doing it with anyone, then when someone catches my eye who I might be interested in, it just feels normal.

    A few months ago I joined an improv group, which previously wouldn't have done. Also, about a year ago I started leading an outdoor mindfulness group, which has boosted my confidence by learning to talk in front of a group of people I've never met before. So I'm definitely heading more in the direction of being more confident with people.

    But as you say, it's about getting into the habit of striking up random conversations with people in any situation. I have actually done this before, but it's a case of getting into the habit of doing it more often. Thank you for your advice.

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