This video shows the effect of being with a porn user. Unfortunately, too relatable.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by DesperateHousewife7, Apr 23, 2019.

  1. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    This hurt to watch. To most people, this woman is just stupid or insane. But to the partner of a P.A., this is what it feels like to find out you’re not good enough. At least for me. Everything from taking contacts out so I don’t have to see my body in the mirror, to getting a boob job that is too “small” to distract from my “flaws.”

    Can anyone else relate?
     
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  2. SodaSuds

    SodaSuds Fapstronaut

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    Certainly! Body augmentation has been number one on my mind (small boob problem) but it's more than that. It's wondering if you're making the right sounds during sex or if you're just reminding them porn. It's not wanting to try to hard with makeup or things they claim they don't like then thinking "but this is how the porn stars they watch look". It's a debate of whether to have sex in the dark so they don't have to look at you or with the lights on so they aren't tempted to think of someone else. You can't feel comfortable in your own skin, no matter how it looks.
     
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  3. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Yes yes and yes. It’s debilitating. And if we do have sex at the end of the day, my mind is wondering if it’s because the woman from the gym earlier turned him on, or something like that. I can’t enjoy sex because I’m too busy focusing on my stomach, my boobs, how I look, how I sound... trying hard to keep him interested and happy long enough to finish.
     
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  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Ok...so let me play devils advocate! What if you were the most beautiful girl in the world would you still be feeling the same way?

    Sex addiction isn’t just about the sex...it’s about connection/attachment ..or rather inability or fear to attach to a real human. It’s less work, no emotional involvement, instant gratification without having to think about anyone else. It’s a selfish activity.

    I’m older than my PA by 13 years... if my PA choose to have pixel girls over me, the last thing I would be doing is comparing myself to 16-30 yr olds. I mean there are ALWAYS going to be younger prettier etc...women or men. If he doesn’t or can’t love me for who and what I look like as I age , then quite honestly he doesn’t deserve me.

    I decided, after the shock of disclosure faded a bit, that I needed to set boundaries to protect myself. I decided what I wanted in a relationship, what I would accept and not accept . I presented it to him and said...” this is what I need.....” He accepted my boundaries and has embraced everything I have set forth.

    I want , deserve and desire a real relationship. One that’s based on acceptance, trust, honesty and compassion. If that’s what I desire...then I have to give it. That being said...I’m going to age out faster than my husband or any porn model..etc...my beauty, desirability comes from within not the plastic stuff.

    There is no need to compete..there is only one you in the world. Embrace your beauty, personality, and have confidence that true beauty comes from within.

    As the saying goes: a person will forget what you said, but will always remember how you made them feel .
     
  5. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think any of that’s what this thread is about, though. I am well aware of boundaries and this and that. I know HOW to, you know, disconnect my self esteem from his addiction. I know. I’ve done the therapy and read the books, and I’ve been able to do it before. This is simply a discussion on how a P.A. can make us feel, the effect it can have. After he slipped and watched again after 7 months clean, it brought me back to square 1 mentally. Like, a reminder that I wasn’t enough again. And honestly, to answer your question, yes- if I were the most beautiful woman in the world and my husband was a P.A., I would absolutely still feel this way. I understand that objectively I’m like a 9 on the rating scale. My friends and strangers often tell me I’m “stunning”. But guess what? To me? In the mirror? I literally make cringe faces and say ew, if I’m having a bad day mentally due to this P.A.
     
  6. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Seeing this video should help realise that however you feel about your own looks, it is an unreliable value judgement. It is really difficult to feel attractive at a time when you don't feel desired, but the truth of your emotional state is not backed up by an objective truth about your looks or sex appeal. Thanks for sharing how PA can make SOs feel, it is important for us to empathise. But please also remember that you are your own worst critic (we are all our own worst critics). No matter how you feel about your looks, there is so much more beauty than you give yourself credit for. If your partner is serious about recovery, then he will see this more and more. And if he already tells you that you are super attractive to him, then over time you will start to believe him and see the truth in his words more and more.

    Comparing yourself to others, in whatever sense (looks, money, career success, popularity, moral virtues, self-discipline...) is always damaging as you will always come up short against someone else. Not everyone can run as fast as Usain Bolt. In terms that PAs can understand: there is always a guy with a bigger dick. P makes many men super obsessive and dysphoric about their penis size, and no matter what their partner tells them, and regardless of the truth of their words, they only hear their own internalised shame, inadequacy and self-hatred. Constantly making comparisons helps nobody. Hopefully you will feel compelled to do this less over time, and your partners actions will prove the value and beauty that he sees in you. But you don't need to wait for him to start to love yourself and to take pride in the beauty that you know, intellectually, you possess. Let yourself feel that you are beautiful.

    One last point: porn addiction affects everyone, no matter how attractive they or their partner may be. Your SO becoming addicted to P is not a reflection on you. There is no perfect woman that is so beautiful that she is immune to losing her partner to this addiction.

    I don't know if you specifically want or need to hear this, or if you just want or need to be heard. Hopefully somebody out there finds some of these points helpful though.

    Thanks again for sharing, and I hope things improve for you sooner rather than later.
     
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