Over the past several years I've learned that I'm literally two different people. While I'm looking at or even thinking about porn I have a certain mindset where the entire thing seems normal and I think to myself "This is what I like, this is obviously what I'm attracted to so I should just accept it". Then comes the O. Immediately following the O and I do mean immediately my mind does a complete shift in the other direction where I'm completely disgusted by what I've just watched and masturbated to. I'm also distraught that I was thinking the way I was. I can only assume that these moments of clarity are my true self because it's during these times that I feel like my old self before the PMO addiction which is why I'm so disgusted. I guarantee my 13 year old self would vomit over the things I get off to now. The problem comes when the urges start. Minutes, hours or days later my mind shifts back to its PMO state, its addicted state and the cycle continues seemingly forever. I'm not two people, I don't have a split personality but I do suffer with an invader in my brain, an addiction so powerful that it almost convinced me that the addiction was actually who I was. Well, it's not who I am and I have to remember that. One day I hope to be able to orgasm without immediately feeling regret, disgust and self loathing. The only way that's possible is to return to nature's way, I have to find a partner and replace the lies (porn) with reality (sex).
Rationalisation is perhaps the most dangerous enemy to someone overcoming an addiction, I cant count the amount of times I've worked myself up to a relapse in the exact same way you described. You cant really trust your own mind in these matters because after all, the same brain telling you its OK to relapse because "its normal" is the same brain that told you it was OK to go down this self-destructive path in the first place.
That seems to be my biggest problem. We're in an odd situation where our brain is trying to convince itself that there isn't a problem. At the same time that brain realizes there's a big problem and is trying to put on the brakes. It's a strange and low feeling to be at war with yourself.
Yea, I think there's a big difference between real world sex and porn. With real sex, I feel good after O. But with porn I just feel disgusting and full of regret. @CK89 what do you feel about fantasizing about real women you've seen in real life? I personally try to avoid but I feel we all do this from time to time.
It's a healthy thing, especially if you're trying to replace porn thoughts with more natural ones. Keep it in check though, while it's definitely better to think about real women than porn you can still mess up if you do it too much. When I first started rebooting I reasoned that since I need to rewire to real life women I should fantasize about them as much as possible, I ended up relapsing as a result. So yes you can and should do it but keep your thoughts on a short leash and don't get carried away with it.
I think this is because the chemicals released after sex are different to the ones released after masturbation, but I'm not entirely sure how they differ.
Apparently our bodies have the ability to determine if we're having real sex or not, obviously our bodies want real sex at least until the addicted brain gets in the way.
I do a very similar thing, though I've noticed the process occurring over a longer period in my own case. For me, when I first start a streak after relapsing, I feel great about it. I have both an intellectual understanding that I need to quite porn AND a strong resolve to quit. I don't WANT porn at that stage. I still feel cravings sometimes, but I am able to dismiss those cravings as nothing more than the process of healing. But then a week or two into my streak, things start to subtly change. I keep the intellectual understanding that I need to quit porn, but I lose that deep, emotion-based resolve. I start to want porn again. I still know that it's bad. I still remember all the negative ways it's impacted me, and I still see all the positive changes in my life that have occurred from getting this far in my recovery (been at this about 10 months now). But along with all that, I still want porn -- in a way that's different from a craving, if that makes any sense. It goes hand in hand with the cravings and makes them stronger. And I keep trying to resist, but once that emotional resolve fades, I become much more tormented by the cravings. They become much more present in my life. And every time (so far) I haven't made it past that stage. I've ended up relapsing. I'm just over three weeks into my streak right now (with a few very minor relapses, looking at pictures for a few minutes, etc.). I've completely lost that emotional resolve, and I'm just hanging on by a thread. So yeah, I totally know what you mean by feeling you're two different people. I'm trying everything I can to get that emotional resolve to quit porn back. I'm reading success stories for inspiration, reading about all the benefits of quitting and the damage of using (I know it all already, but just reminding myself), I'm writing in my journal, I'm telling myself over and over that the cravings will pass if I can just get over this hump. But it's still a brutal slog. Believe me, if I find a magic bullet, I'll let you know. Unfortunately, I don't think that's how it works. Just have to keep pushing forward, one way or another. As hard as it is.
Yeah, that's probably a good idea. I have a friend that I talk to about this stuff. He's quitting porn too, though his addiction is relatively mild. But he's super busy, so not around as much as I'd like. I also just started seeing a therapist last week. I'm hoping that will bear fruit sooner or later.
You can ask for help for those on the site, anyone on this site can your AP. Just ask for one in the Accountability Partners Forum.
You know, you're right. I don't know why I've hesitated to do it for so long. Just made a thread there now. And sorry for hijacking this thread with AP talk!
The addiction is what erodes our resolve. The addiction wants to be satisfied and it will make us feel as bad as possible to achieve that.
