Time has come

I am a male in my mid-forties and have a strong to will to seek PMO sobriety.
MO has been part of my daily behavior since the early teens, at the time when P existed only in paper format and few years later in fuzzy VHS video. I would say that P is not my biggest obstacle, I have no
actual need to use porn as stimulation for MO. I have a vivid imagination and that is maybe my biggest psub.

My addiction is certainly worst kind after 35 years of self-abuse. At the age of 28 it got to the stage of spending money on prostitutes and massage parlors. Later on internet hooker sites kind of replaced porn at some stage as a strong trigger. There was an 8 years gap of sober time from hookers, because I got married and didn’t want to fuck the great relationship up with my filthy behavior. So true love and healthy active sex life could cage the evil for some time.

But after few years the demon in the back of my mind was seducing me to relapse to prostitutes (“man, just try it once and then get over it”). The demon won the fight of course, because I just tried to ignore it without doing anything serious to beat the addiction. So eventually I got back to buying quick sex and felt terrible afterwards after each occasion, losing my money and soul. Still I could not stop. Typical symptoms of a bad addiction where psychology plays big part. You know the relapse will hurt you and your life bad but still you go for it.

There is a saying “you can drink your house and possessions”. Replace drink with f*ck
in the sentence and know the ugly truth of prostitute addiction. As said, it also destroys your heart and soul, knowing how you are abusing yourself and another human being. I truly advice you all: stay away from buying sex. In comparison, If P can be imagined as smoking weed, easy purchase of sex from pretty strangers is like shooting heroin in dirty lavatory. That beast really takes you in its claws.

I heard of NoFap first time few months ago and checked out the forum. It was an overwhelming feeling to understand how many people are struggling with these issues, and how destructive it is to be a PMO addict. Still at the time I could not gather strength to start my journey to sobriety. Now I need to do it since the thought has grown to really seek for happiness and reap the benefits of PMO free life.

One big motivation for me is that even a few days of abstaining from MO seems to have a positive effect on my epilepsy and panic symptoms. Medication has kept grand mal seizures away for almost 20 years, but still I experience smaller ones. MO gives me nerve fatigue and sensations of panic in public places, which eventually leads to the feelings of seizure escalation. Not doing MO keeps this quite effectively in the background.

I’ve started my progress now. Day two going on. I know I will relapse to MO any time soon, but will get up and continue immediately. I can do quite well without P or other visual subs so won’t reach out for that.