Tired of being broken

I am a gay male who has been married for years. I have struggled with porn/sex/chat addiction almost my whole life. About a year ago I made it to 180 days with no fapping, porn, acting out, or chat hookups.

Now I have just climbed out of a month long hole of obsession, chat and porn daily where I’ve played with peoples minds and emotions all for my own gratification and I tell you I can’t do it anymore!!

How do I stop this cycle when the very act of talking with guys about it is part of the problem?

Part of me wants to just file for divorce and go on a bender doing whatever and whoever I want!

While I know this won’t help me get healthy and certainly won’t make me feel any less alone...I struggle because I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of always having to be on guard in my life. Please tell me someone has found the way out of this darkness?

Help!!

 

I really appreciate the reach out and support man. The thing about this addiction is it’s so bloody lonely to fight this so I reach out to people in the hopes of connecting and forming healthy relationships and I crash and burn it. Then I’m left feeling more lonely and disgusted. Committed to trying again. Day 1 starts now

 

Hello sir. Yes born again. Still struggling with porn and chat despite being a Christian

 

I am married to a man

 

I am nondenominational. Raised baptist. You?

 

Yes!!! Thanks man for sharing your experiences with me. I am reminded that the pain I cause myself and others should be a testament that this dark path only brings sadness. The pain I’ve brought into my life from this addiction doesn’t do anything to serve my higher purpose.

 

This is such truth man. But I’ve done this cycle before. Why do I forget the pain and the self loathing that comes with giving in? I’ve fallen on my face so badly before and yet I find myself back downloading the apps or going to the sites when I am really only looking for a quick release. I go months without porn or chat and then slowly it creeps back into my day...barely noticed until I’m at it full force...skipping work and obsessing over bodies I’ll never touch creating “relationships” and fantasies that only hurt my heart. It is my plan to keep posting on here daily. To fill that void with self reflection and to offer encouragement to others so that together we are stronger in this fight. I can’t express my gratitude for all of your willingness to contribute and encourage me as I try to dust myself off again.

 

I appreciate that perspective my friend. You hit the nail on the head. Part of me feels like if I just go on a long enough bender it’ll be out of my system and I can live life again. But this is the addiction talking. A life of addictive pleasure felt then gratified will only breed a stronger desire for more. In my first attempt at this nofap path I journaled daily and it really helped me look at the choices I’ve made in a way that showed me how gradually these desires take over my life. Now I need to look at how to catch these feelings before I go into the darkness so that I get ahead of it.

Thanks for the advice! I will most definitely keep talking about this because it is more than PA it’s an addiction to drama and secrecy. These are the things I need to cut out of my life or find healthy alternatives to fill the gaps.

 

this time it was a month but I’ve been in and out of this process for years.
I’m sorry you had such a rough go of it my friend but am proud of you for being here to share and to get to work! I am grateful that you are here to offer thoughts and powerful insights into this process

 

Wow man! Glad you came to the realization!! Glad you are on the path towards freedom