I need help, I don't know why I've become this and how exactly to go back to normal. I was sexually abused as a little kid by my male cousin, and then verbally abused by my parents my whole life. I am 21 years old, engaged to a beautiful girl who is amazing, and we have a 1 year old daughter together. From the outside it seems perfect. Since about 2 years ago she has become verbally abusive whenever she gets mad. She will tell me she hates me, that she doesn't like me, that she wishes she never met me, etc.. But then less than 1 hour later she will apologize and say she loves me and says she will try to fix her anger issues. That never happened yet, even though she tried to get therapy. I have never, ever, even raised my voice at her. I have never said anything mean to her when angry, and I have never even raised a hand to her, and NEVER would. To anyone. Sometimes she would even say that she never enjoyed having sex with me at all. Although I usually didn't let her words get to me, I feel like this finally did. I started watching porn again, after I had been in control of myself for 5 years. It spiraled, badly, during the quarantine - I had left my old job to take a much better job at a big company and was just about to get hired until I was suddenly rejected on March 29, when Covid affected everything. On April 4th, a few months ago, I took a picture of my 23yo sister in law wearing shorts, nothing very explicit, but I felt like I was overcome by a different side of me that thought it was a rush to take a photo and not get caught. My fiancee was even there, you can see her sitting right next to her sister in the photo. When I realized what I had done - I was ashamed, I felt like shit, and I was confused. I knew I needed help but I thought I could 'fix' myself 'as I always have' and so I kept to myself and continued to be very guilty and ashamed and told myself I'd stop that kind of behavior, however a month after that I accidentally found a suggestive picture of her that my fiancee had posted on a marketplace to sell clothes. Once I found out it was her I should have deleted it, however I just 'hid' it once again. A month after that (3 weeks ago), all 3 of us were drinking and I ended up taking pictures of her wearing shorts again. Same thing: not explicit photos in anyway, just creepy, and my fiancee is in the background. I am not attracted to my SiL (but she is attractive), I would never fuck her or cheat on my fiancee, and I never did or would touch anyone or say anything creepy. I know it's not me. I'm disgusted at myself. I also had nudes of another girl that I accidentally found again after looking through old emails from 3 years ago. I tried to forget I ever did these things, every time, I would just 'hide' the photos and try to forget, but why didn't I just delete them? I genuinely don't know. Well 6 days ago, I told my fiancee I was in a major rut in life and that over the past year my overall mental state has changed for the worst. I meant to tell her my situation, but there was no way I could get it out. When she asked why, instead of saying what I had done I just said 'everything'. A few days later (3 days ago) she looked through my phone and saw the pictures and broke down. So did I when everything finally blew up in my face. I was forced to admit to myself that I had really become that, that I had taken those pictures, that I couldn't fix myself even when I knew I was getting worse. I knew what I did was horrible and I felt like a creep / pervert and realized how violated it makes everyone feel. How I betrayed everyone's trust and the terrible road I was on and where that would eventually lead. However I was still confused, WHY did I take these photos? WHAT did I want to get out of it? You could only see her legs and nothing explicit, but still, WHY? That's what led me to research over the past 2 days and I believe I have a porn addiction, something which I didn't even know affected people to this extent. I used to watch porn 4 times a day until I stopped at the age of 15, because I read that masturbating too much would give you erectile dysfunction. From then on I did it very occasionally. maybe once a month or so. It wasn't until 5-6 months ago where I got back into the habit. It escalated. Fast. Eventually the same thing didn't satisfy me, and the sessions got longer and more frequent. Do I have a porn addiction? Can I be helped, or am I just a creep? I do not want to be like this, and I never was like this previously. I truly think this is very uncharacteristic of me but I am not sure of anything at this point, as my fiancee says porn addiction isn't real and that I am just trying not to take any accountability and that I'm just forever a creep. I can't stay confused like this forever, I've never had anyone to talk to about this even though I felt like I should have seen a therapist sooner. I could never come to terms with the fact that yes, that was me that did that, and I couldn't ever imagine saying it out loud "I took a picture of my sister in law". I have become the type of person I absolutely despise. Is there any hope for me?