Took Pictures of my Sister in Law's Legs When she was Wearing Shorts. Feeling confused and disgusted

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by sctr, Jun 25, 2020.

  1. sctr

    sctr New Fapstronaut

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    I need help, I don't know why I've become this and how exactly to go back to normal. I was sexually abused as a little kid by my male cousin, and then verbally abused by my parents my whole life. I am 21 years old, engaged to a beautiful girl who is amazing, and we have a 1 year old daughter together. From the outside it seems perfect. Since about 2 years ago she has become verbally abusive whenever she gets mad. She will tell me she hates me, that she doesn't like me, that she wishes she never met me, etc.. But then less than 1 hour later she will apologize and say she loves me and says she will try to fix her anger issues. That never happened yet, even though she tried to get therapy. I have never, ever, even raised my voice at her. I have never said anything mean to her when angry, and I have never even raised a hand to her, and NEVER would. To anyone.

    Sometimes she would even say that she never enjoyed having sex with me at all. Although I usually didn't let her words get to me, I feel like this finally did. I started watching porn again, after I had been in control of myself for 5 years. It spiraled, badly, during the quarantine - I had left my old job to take a much better job at a big company and was just about to get hired until I was suddenly rejected on March 29, when Covid affected everything.

    On April 4th, a few months ago, I took a picture of my 23yo sister in law wearing shorts, nothing very explicit, but I felt like I was overcome by a different side of me that thought it was a rush to take a photo and not get caught. My fiancee was even there, you can see her sitting right next to her sister in the photo. When I realized what I had done - I was ashamed, I felt like shit, and I was confused. I knew I needed help but I thought I could 'fix' myself 'as I always have' and so I kept to myself and continued to be very guilty and ashamed and told myself I'd stop that kind of behavior, however a month after that I accidentally found a suggestive picture of her that my fiancee had posted on a marketplace to sell clothes. Once I found out it was her I should have deleted it, however I just 'hid' it once again. A month after that (3 weeks ago), all 3 of us were drinking and I ended up taking pictures of her wearing shorts again. Same thing: not explicit photos in anyway, just creepy, and my fiancee is in the background.

    I am not attracted to my SiL (but she is attractive), I would never fuck her or cheat on my fiancee, and I never did or would touch anyone or say anything creepy. I know it's not me. I'm disgusted at myself. I also had nudes of another girl that I accidentally found again after looking through old emails from 3 years ago. I tried to forget I ever did these things, every time, I would just 'hide' the photos and try to forget, but why didn't I just delete them? I genuinely don't know. Well 6 days ago, I told my fiancee I was in a major rut in life and that over the past year my overall mental state has changed for the worst. I meant to tell her my situation, but there was no way I could get it out. When she asked why, instead of saying what I had done I just said 'everything'. A few days later (3 days ago) she looked through my phone and saw the pictures and broke down. So did I when everything finally blew up in my face. I was forced to admit to myself that I had really become that, that I had taken those pictures, that I couldn't fix myself even when I knew I was getting worse. I knew what I did was horrible and I felt like a creep / pervert and realized how violated it makes everyone feel. How I betrayed everyone's trust and the terrible road I was on and where that would eventually lead. However I was still confused, WHY did I take these photos? WHAT did I want to get out of it? You could only see her legs and nothing explicit, but still, WHY? That's what led me to research over the past 2 days and I believe I have a porn addiction, something which I didn't even know affected people to this extent. I used to watch porn 4 times a day until I stopped at the age of 15, because I read that masturbating too much would give you erectile dysfunction. From then on I did it very occasionally. maybe once a month or so. It wasn't until 5-6 months ago where I got back into the habit. It escalated. Fast. Eventually the same thing didn't satisfy me, and the sessions got longer and more frequent. Do I have a porn addiction? Can I be helped, or am I just a creep? I do not want to be like this, and I never was like this previously. I truly think this is very uncharacteristic of me but I am not sure of anything at this point, as my fiancee says porn addiction isn't real and that I am just trying not to take any accountability and that I'm just forever a creep. I can't stay confused like this forever, I've never had anyone to talk to about this even though I felt like I should have seen a therapist sooner. I could never come to terms with the fact that yes, that was me that did that, and I couldn't ever imagine saying it out loud "I took a picture of my sister in law". I have become the type of person I absolutely despise. Is there any hope for me?
     
  2. Oh there is hope. I already see it. Being that I went through a similar situation and believe me, the breakup was painful but a miracle.
     
    Johnthesavage, tavla and Wugazi32 like this.
  3. Envoy-ofthe-End

    Envoy-ofthe-End Temporarily Suspended

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    Hey man, I see your frustruated and maybe you did come off as a creep but this isn´t half bad as some of the things you read in this forum. What´s happening is that your situation in life has taken a bad turn which happens to all of us and since you´re feeling down you´re using porn as an escape, a drug. There is a solution, do 30 days no PMO and if you can do semen retention, it´s better. You´ll start to feel disgusted when you think about it and will feel better in your soul.
     
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  4. sctr

    sctr New Fapstronaut

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    The thing is I don't want to have to break up with her because she is possibly giving me a second chance. How did you get through it and fix yourself? I am thinking of going to a CSAT Therapist both alone and with her.

    Also, her sister and her sister's boyfriend know so I already feel hopeless. My fiancee still says that I am forever a creep and that I am just using 'porn addiction' to take no blame but I don't feel like this is true at all. I don't know what steps to take to better myself, I have already stopped not looked at porn or masturbated for the last 10 days. Planning it on keeping it that way. But not sure after that.
     
  5. sctr

    sctr New Fapstronaut

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    Might not be half bad as some things but it's still really shitty and disgusting to me, my fiancee, her sister, or anyone else I know. I already do feel disgusted and I have been for a while now. I even knew it was wrong right after it happened each time.

    But yeah, I haven't looked at porn or masturbated in 10 days and I think I can get over that quite easily but not sure where to go from there. I want to be able to be sure that I'm okay and guarantee anything like this never happens again. I know I can do it. Do you think a CSAT Therapist would help (would do both individual sessions and couple sessions)?
     
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  6. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Hey sctr.
    You are not a creep. I repeat. .. you are not a creep. And also porn/ sex addiction is a real thing. I've been seeing a CSAT for over a year . And it was one of the best things I've ever done . I would also look to see if you have any "SAA" groups around your area. Another one of the best things I did was find a sex addicts anonymous 12 step group around my area. It's nothing to be afraid ok? If you do have one around. I garantee you are "normal" people like you there. And there's so much relief and power when you surround yourself with a group of people that are struggling with the same things as you are, and a group of people who understand and get what you're going through .
    I would highly recommend you go see a CSAT or physcologist that has some experience with sex and porn addiction. They can really help you, and help you understand why you turned to what you turned to and how to help .
    If you want to message me , and maybe have a conversation please feel free. :)
     
  7. Brother, leaving your issue aside, I think she is treating you not the way you deserve to be treated. She treats you very poorly.

    I was caught, what I see now, in a toxic relationship in the past. I got dissed by my ex but it was far not as bad what you have to experience! Even though I already tried back then to get my porn consumption under control I never was able to do it. While being with her I got pushed back and back into addiction again - sometimes fleeing into virtual reality to compensate for the rejection I received from her. Toxic relationships can have an big negative impact on someones mental stability and health. They make us worse rather than help! I do not want to tell you that you should split up with your fiancee - because you seem to love her and are commited to continue - but I hope you at least keep what I said in mind! There are tons of loving girls out there.

    I also agree with @Chefb87 that seeing a professional therapist will help you to understand and helps you to get better again. You deserve to be heared and tell your story from your perspective. You went through a rough childhood with abuse from people that should have been there for you and that should have protected you! I am so sorry for that! I am certain lots of us here have done worse or more shameful, believe me! I believe you are under lots of pressure recently, that may got you off the track, but I certainly believe you are not a creep! :)
     
  8. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Hey man, well I don't know if this might help but. I think you might be what people call as "codependent" or "empath". You see as a codependent we try to attract the narcissists or even increase the narcissistic nature in them (partners) if they have traces. It's good that you are asking your fiancee to go to a therapy, but you must also need to get your past trauma sorted out or you would keep on creating instances for people picking out on you.

    Try researching more on complex PTSD (CPTSD), and get yourself a good therapists, as pornography or you taking pictures is just a coping mechanism to run away from your deep underlying trauma. So when you get them sorted out, you won't go back to these coping mechanism.

    You see as empaths or narcissists, we are attracted to people with opposite traits as the other person has the things which you don't. But on longer run in relationship, you find out that you suppressed the traits of other person in yourself (from childhood) because you didn't like it first place. Hence regrets comes into factor making the relationships collapse...

    Sorry I put huge amount of concepts in a single reply, I hope you understand what I'm trying to convey. Good luck with getting over your trauma. You also need to stop putting others first. Put yourself first, learn to say no.

    Here is a link to a video of a guy who suffered with codependency issues and did lot of research:




    P.S: Porn addiction is real and lots of people are suffering from it. Don't justify everything your fiancee says, stay strong on your opinions, your boundaries and your ideals.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2020
    Johnthesavage likes this.
  9. Sometimes, it may not be what we want to do. But what NEEDS to be done. Your greatest gift from God does not come from comfort zones.
     
  10. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Dude I haven't seen this post earlier but, what the hell is a second chance? You guys have a freaking daughter why would you think of breakup?, the most best thing would be her to support you through your journey of overcoming addiction rather than guilt tripping you. Why would she expose you to her sister? Man that's really awful. Just go and watch the videos I posted in the earlier post. Know your problem, set boundaries, don't let people trample all over you just because you behaved that way ( it's just a freaking picture of legs and you are just 21 ffs). Go to therapy, get better...All the best.
     
  11. There's always hope man! Get over what's ailing you for yourself and your daughter and for what it's worth I pray things improve in your relationship or things settle out for the best!
     
    ankith likes this.
  12. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    bro rule #1. never keep photos of girls you texted in the past. i don't think i ever kept a single photo.
     
  13. You're going to have to do some really painful work on setting boundaries with other people. The way you're letting her treat you isn't healthy, for you or her.

    I wish you a lot of luck with this, man. And there's always hope, but mainly there's work to be done.
     
    ankith likes this.
  14. sctr

    sctr New Fapstronaut

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    Sorry I wasn't clear on this before. The pictures were of her wearing very short shorts so you could see like the beginning of the underside of her butt, not sure how to explain it. Like she was sitting with short shorts and it was from the side where you could see a little bit more than normal, but not underwear.

    I also accidentally found a picture of her wearing a shirt with no bra where you could see her nipples through and at first I thought it was my fiancee (she posted it, and the shirt was my fiancees too, head was cropped out) once I realized it was her sister instead of deleting it like I normally would, I put it in my 'hidden' folder.

    I don't want people to think it was just normal legs like standing there, and I also should have been more specific on what the suggestive picture I found was. When I wrote this, it was to send to a therapist so I was going to explain more when I actually talked to them, I should have rewritten those parts in this post.
     
  15. bestme996

    bestme996 Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn't be jerking off to your sister in law, you may have trouble looking at her again or talking to her, thats what would happen to me, you wouldn't see her the same, she would become a sex object, id cut that out immediately, this is related to your addiction
     
  16. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Okay I maybe wrong but I have made some conclusions based on the things you wrote.
    I am not trying to nitpick but what do you mean by amazing? Is she amazing because she looks good? or Is she amazing because her character is good?
    I am seeing a huge red flags with this statements. I didn't want to question why you would want to get settled at such an early age but what the hell man??? Just ask her why she didn't like sex, ask her if she wants to try something else, just ask what's making her feel sad and regret about you.
    Dude you are going to be living together for the rest of your lives, if your relationship is in this condition before you even marry, then do you think you would last even 5 years?
    I am not trying to be rude or anything, but in normal case scenario, after 1 year or 2, she will divorce you and get half the wealth you are earning and has the custody of your daughter. The worst case scenario would be her cheating on you, even though you know about it because you weren't "good at sex", turning you what people call as cuck.
    Dude, what you did is wrong. I don't want you to sugarcoat you into justifying it wasn't a mistake but you are really obsessed with what's right and what's wrong. You are just overthinking that you would have sex with your SIL, it's all your fantasies fueled with porn. First step to recovery is forgiving yourself. Everyone has these lust thoughts, but the difference between a normal person and an addict is that an addict would act out based on lust. When we get these lust thoughts, we are so much obsessed with why we got the thought rather than forgive ourselves for having these thoughts and move on to something important, we are stuck in this vicious cycle of guilt and finally at some point we give up and act out on the thought.

    So about the thing you mentioned:
    It doesn't matter if it was explicit or not, you are just a 21 year old guy, you have a long way to go. Don't expect yourself to be some righteous and mature guy. Mistakes happen in everybody's life, understanding what lead to the mistake and taking steps to avoid such situation is best possible solution rather than brooding over what had already happened.

    So here are few questions I want you to ask yourself, you don't have to answer them, just question yourself and try to change your perceptions:
    What made you fall in love with your Gf? was it just because she was beautiful? Was it because she was willing to go out with a guy who other girls wouldn't have noticed? Was she someone who is like the girl of your dreams?

    Why do you want to marry her? Is it because of your daughter? Is it because you pity your gf because she is unstable? Why is she unstable? Is she one of the cluster B personality Disorder's (If yes, then you are in big trouble)?

    So you made a mistake, are you willing to forgive yourself? are you willing to hit back at people if someone makes fun or tries to take advantage because of what you did?

    Don't try to live out for someone else and regret later. Have you watched the movie called "500 days of summer"? Don't be that guy living in dreams. Because when your fantasy of dreamgirl was shattered you are going back to these coping mechanism to numb your emotions and in future you might even turn into another one of those Red pill and MGTOW movement guys which is based on Narcissistic ideals.

    Please watch the videos I posted earlier, they are really educative and also do more research on Codependency. There is a book called "Unwanted" by jay stringer which clearly depicts why people act in an abnormal way (If you want a PDF, just send ur emailid to my inbox and I'll send a copy).

    And last but not least, Porn addiction is real, stop watching porn, the abnormal behavior will only escalate further and further, so learn about your problem and ways how others have overcome this and keep following them. All the best.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2020

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