Transgender Issues

he claims they ads ,even so, ads pop up on your screen due to cookies, the websites you previously on, ads related to that site well pop up, so, even if he claims they were ads , his hands still come out dirty ,sorry alex its the truth

 

"ads" even though it was literally a tab opened up on a very specific video. lol

 

Yup, take a long break from PMO and even fantasies. And staring at women. You've experienced a gradual progression towards more unusual pornography as part of your brain searches for new stimuli. Try to get 'addicted' to reading/music/learning/exercising etc. You've made a great start by trying to understand this issue.

 

I have the same problem OP. I started on porn with women. In 2008 which,was a few years after I accidentally came across transsexual porn. I thought in my mind that oh no this might be gay, but felt a huge sexual rush at the same time. I barely looked at any porn with women since.

It started with ts only that were really convincing and had boobs etc etc, eventually I started to not mind crossdressers or transvestite if they were convincing. Then after that occasionally the odd guys if they looked 'feminine' enough with a round ass etc, usually Asian.

But when I'm sober I never want that stuff. Like you mentioned as I'm.generally quite religious I can't get the feeling away that as a straight guy its all perverted in someway. I just wanna clarify I have no ill feelings to transgenders or guys that are happy to openly go along with their attraction for them. But for me personally thus idea that something is off with it as a straight and traditional minded guy. Having said all this its pretty much just straight guys who are into ts. I've pretty much accepted that maybe I'll always be turned on by them, but can get to a place where I don't act on it.

I feel obsessed over it, I get way more aroused over them than women because if the perceived taboo. I feel like the obsession over that and the guilt is making it hard to stop.

I've been fighting it for about 10 years now, at times I almost considered giving up and just openly getting a Ts gf or something, but there's a part of me which just won't allow it.

I've often stayed in monastic situations where I did np fap for 6 months at a time without thinking of any of this. I went 2 years then had a major relapse. Basically although I used to fap over ts porn I had a conviction not to do it for real. After the 2 years NoFap the horny feelings got really intense and I suddenly felt like I wanted a ts for real. I started going on hook up sites but resisting as much as I could. I had many oppurtunities to meet them and deleted my account many times after coming to my senses. I would then end up re opening, after about a year of this I gave in and met an crossdresser for a bj. I felt awful and promised it was all over. But then a few months later ended up meeting a ts and going all the way. This has gone on about 3 years now but thankfully I met only a hand full. Some I would just delete my account when given the chance to meet. There's also been quite a few where I just left when I got there, as I realized how manly they looked. I only did stuff with a few so far. But there was one who I got a bj and I especially regret as they looked manly but for some reason went ahead with it.

This particular meeting has made me feel really messed up as I met them somewhere near my friends house one morning and it just feels traumatizing fir that reason.

Because of this I started feeling really guilty and also anxious to be with a female as I like wOmen of course. I soon got really desperate and went to a female escort. I promised myself that would be it. But the next day I was just feeling more horny and started browsing escorts again, by chance I saw a transsexual escort. They were just like in the vids I used to fap over,I then got an idea that I really wanted to meet a proper hot ts so I ended up meeting. To be honest it did feel really good and they looked hot, like no straight guy would know it was a ts. But I felt like crap after. I feel really ashamed of all this and messed up, I've never had gf in fact.

I feel really paranoid about stds even though I've only had sexual contact with s handful of people and used condoms. My plan is to stop all this and find a good gf/wife, but feel a lot of guilt over all this stuff. Also I'm worried that although I'm well meaning, I might get tempted again and wanna meet a ts again for sex, or female escort even.

 

Drop the comment about you being ugly. And therefore being 'a piece of shit'. You are more than that.
Well done for trying to make your life better. Continue...