Hi guys, I been making minimal progress since last time I posted. Instead of failing every day or every other day. I been relapsing once a week or every 10 days. Long story short, I flew abroad to visit a friend. I had a feeling I might be tempted but since I was on a good streak, I put my guard down. Eventually I gave into my urges and curiosity andn visited a massage parlor. I told myself I was going to leave if she did anything inappropriate (I was fooling myself) Everything happened so fast and she ending up touching and massage my genitals. About 5 seconds into the handjob, I stopped her immediately. I almost climaxed but didn’t and stopped myself midway due to guilt. I told her to stop; she looked confused and tried to console me. I told her “No!, I feel bad” (I tried to speak simple English words since her English was poor) I left the are and wandered aroun town in a drunken haze of guilt and shame. One week later and I feel so much shame. I never saw myself doing this. I always was wanted to wait till marriage. I always wanted to be on the altar with my wife a virgin and she too. (I failed that as I lost my virginity to my ex-gf who, to my surprise was w**re—I had planned to marry her as we were planning for an engagement.) Sorry if my thoughts are all over the place as I am still wrestling with so much guilt, disgust and shame. To top it off, I got a handjob( one I interrupted) at a massage place. I am happy that I didn’t finish the act but still. What will I tell my future Wife? My witness as a Christian? How can I face my family and friend when I get back from the trip. I don’t know what to do or think, I just need someone to talk to. I never, ever thought I’d go this far. I don’t even know who I am anymore, who can I trust myself? What else can I do if I am willing to betray my strongest convictions? Please help.
If our trust and confidence is in ourselves, it is misplaced. We are weak, but he is strong. Our trust must first be anchored in Christ. We are saved by his power, not our own. Once we are confident in him, we will walk in his good way and have no need for or interest in "self"-confidence -- apart from being confident on Christ's spirit within us! This experience sounds like a good reminder that you were overconfident in yourself. Humility is a hard lesson, but a necessary one for every disciple. Take your eyes off yourself and put them back on Christ. And don't forget -- shame is just pride by a different name! We do not have time to waste on such stuff.
I let the shame bring me to a dodgy area near my hotel. I was curious so I checked the area out. I was quickly reminded of how sin is ugly and terrible…I just wanted companionship and someone to hug…when I saw the prostitutes come ask me if I wanted sex, I felt tempted and disgusted. I wandered around the area before making a fool of myself three times declining their advances. I left the area finally, feeling disgusted and hardheaded—which I know I am. I read your reply while going through a red light distrct. Thank you and Thank God for snapping myself out of it. I really need to get help Again, thank you. I need to have a long talk with God, I went against everything my parents taught me
I remember feeling similar to you on the virginity topic when my high school sweetheart and I ended things. I truly thought we would be together forever and always imagined that I would only be with one person. After I felt the same as you are describing. Don't beat yourself up too much over something that your are redeemable for. What the enemy puts in our minds is that after something like this happens we are worthless. And have nothing to offer. You have a lot to offer someone as a partner even though it isn't how you might have thought it would be, and I have found this feeling will happen many times in you life in different ways. (Career, choices, etc.). As with all of us we can be far better than we are now this is a continuous journey pursuing Christ. What we can't do is beleive the lies that shame and guilt instill in us that we are worthless and then inflict more damage to ourselves. In these moments we need to turn Him. You got this man. Take some time to ask for forgiveness and forgive yourself.
Tao Jones thanks for replying with the truth. I needed to hear this too. What a revelation from the Holy Spirit that shame is just pride by a different name. Now I know that when I feel shame that it's only me feeling worldly sorrow and not Godly sorrow. When I restarted this journey after a 15 year relapse, I had a dream where I stood before Jesus. Jesus asked me why I was still masturbating at my age. I wept and wept and through my tears and I told Him "I can't help it. I've been doing this since I was 13", and I believed this was a legitimate reason not only in the dream, but in my real life. I immediately woke up while I was still weeping in my dream but when I woke up my eyes were completely dry. This was weird because when I have dreams this realistic and vivid, I will wake up in the condition I was in the dream. For instance when I dream I am being chased and I have been running exhaustively in the dream I will wake up exhausted, breathing heavily and sweating as if I had actually been running. That week I confessed my addiction to my pastor at a special prayer meeting for people with sex addictions and sexual identity issues. This was the first person I confessed to in 15 years since the first two persons I ever confessed this to, in so many words, thought my problem was no big deal and it was just men's way of "getting it out of their system". I conveniently accepted their answer because it was what my sinful flesh wanted to hear and this started my 15 year relapse. When I confessed to my pastor I told him about my dream and I asked him what it might mean, why I woke up with dry eyes when in the dream I had been weeping so deeply. He didn't know but just prayed for me to find other men to help me with my journey of overcoming my addictions. For several days after confessing to my pastor I was persistent in prayer to ask Jesus what the meaning of waking up with dry eyes meant when just moments before I was standing before Him weeping bitterly. His Holy Spirit revealed the reason during one of the videos in a Christian Sex Addiction video course I was taking talked about worldly sorrow versus Godly sorrow. He revealed to me that the weeping I had, though sincere and deep, was worldly sorrow. Every time I had tried to overcome my addictions in the past the reason was only for myself due to the guilt and shame that followed my every slip up. Instead of my God given conscience leading me to repentance, my pride was only leading me to self pity. I never considered the root problems of my addictions, namely selfishness, pride, and immaturity, just to name a few. Lord Jesus, forgive me for thinking I could ever overcome my sin on my own and for my shame because I failed for trying to do so by my own willpower and for seeking healing for all the wrong reasons. I need You and my Christian brothers to help me. Wars aren't won alone, nor are any of the battles that are part of them. Help me to remember that iron sharpens iron; we should have each other's back and we overcome as we fight every stronghold as we stand back to back with You, the one and only Mighty King and Savior leading us in the battle. In Jesus' name, amen.
"Spiritual Combat", I was led to this book about 2 years ago. It is an ancient book, available online for free in PdF form. I have found it to be an excellent companion to the bible and a very practical guide to finding freedom from sin and temptation. Here are just a few essential excerpts: Chapter 2 - "DISTRUST of yourself is so necessary in the spiritual combat, that without it you may be assured that you will neither gain the desired victory, nor be able to overcome even the weakest of your passions." Chapter 3 - "ALTHOUGH, as we have said, self-distrust is essential for this spiritual combat, nevertheless it alone would not be enough, ..... There is need to add to it perfect trust in God, in the hope and expectation that He Alone will vouchsafe to us every good thing we need...." Chapter 4 - "And if your sadness and discouragement is much, then, there can be no doubt, that your trust in self was much, and your trust in God but little. For he who much distrusts himself and trusts in God, when he falls, is not surprised at it, ....because he knows his fall is owing to his own weakness, and the little trust he placed in God." Chapter 7 - "DISTRUST of self and trust in God are very necessary in this conflict, yet are they not all that is required, ..... Therefore to these we should add a third weapon, which is spiritual exercise. Spiritual exercise relates principally to the understanding and to the will." [my summary here - call on the Holy Spirit, share your temptation in all its sordid detail and He will then show you the reality of it in all of its ugliness, artificiality and empty promises] There is much more useful information here than I dare cut and paste. I can only say that despite its age, the advice is timeless, practical and in perfect harmony with The Word. I hope you will be inspired to look for it.
