Why am I like this? I think I hate porn so much, but I that's true why do I use it everyday? I'm like a dog returning to its own vomit. It's like I'm bipolar. My fame of mind does a complete 180 degree turn from being resolute that I will never PMO again, to wanting to PMO. I basically seek out any excuse to PMO. I shirk all responsibility and blame being depressed on anything but myself. I feel defeated, lazy, pathetic, complacent. I write long posts on social media about the personal, social and ethical harms of porn, I beautifully articulate my point of view and present a compelling argument against mainstream attitudes towards porn. I tell myself I know all the theory necessary to justify a reboot, and all the tools to reboot successfully. But for the last 18 months I have been constantly relapsing and binging, never really getting streaks more than seven days. Most people who know me would say I'm doing well in life and going places. From my best judgements I am a decent person to be around and I'm not boring nor weird. I do very well at uni. I pursue every academic and extra curricular opportunity I can, believing it will enrich me and set me up to be successful. I worked so hard at uni that I was completely burned out and really wanted to have holidays. I got shitface drunk after exams and embarrassed myself in front of my friends. Something I never thought I would do. It's like I have stopped caring about myself, my health or my dignity. Now that I'm on holidays from uni I just want to go back, I am bored out of my mind. I fucked up my wrist and thumb a week ago from stacking it while downhill riding (one of the only fun things I do), so now I can't work or play. I've PMOd daily for the last week (with my other hand lol), and just bummed around home distracting myself with mindless games or tv. 2019 has sucked so far. I don't know what I'm going to do for the next two months until uni starts again. I'm not sure if I'll be able to work or play, it depends on how fast my thumb heals. I have to do something other than fuck around at home on my phone and laptop. I'm addicted to technology and my attention span is about 0.1 seconds because of it. I wanted to leave porn in the past before now. In my eyes, being addicted for a few years as a teen might be inevitable but I should have dealt with this by now. I'm lonely and want to be in a relationship with a girl but know my addiction will (or ought to) be a deal breaker. I wouldn't expect a woman to endure the betrayal from a porn addict. Everything about it is pathetic and unmanly. I want to be a better man, I don't want to let anything control me, yet I go back to porn again and again. Why am I like this?
It's something that you want - you need to find strands of motivation to not want it. Once you find enough strands the temptation won't break your resolve.
