Why do insecurities turn into sexual pleasure?

I can only speculate but I suspect it has something to do with how the sex drive becomes kind of divorced from the rest of what makes us human for one, and secondly the phenomenon of addiction switching. People who have kind of been around different kinds of addiction recovery groups know about the whack-a-mole phenomenon, where like the game where the mole pops its head up in one hole goes hiding only to pop up from another one. And the idea of being addicted to excitement in general would cover all kinds of high, and of course people will use drugs around the same time as sex or PMO.

In general we also know what's experienced as negative becomes a kind of high, I suppose there is something about surrendering too with the power dynamic shifting .. and in 12 Step they will talk about surrendering in terms of the first few Steps but of course they don't mean surrender to another addiction even if the particular program you're in only deals with one.

 

Some people use it as a coping mechanism rather than embracing their emotions and taking action in the areas that they can change and letting go of what they can’t change.

 

I get the same arousal. Fantasies of being humiliated sexually turn me on so much. I do not understand it. Fantasies of my wife fucking other men while they laugh at me as I watch. Where does this come from?

 

I think its because we FEEL inferior in some way to these women, and suddenly what our senses are telling us (people laughing at us etc, humiliation) is lining up with how we feel about ourselves inside.

The question if you want to break free from it all is, why do I feel inferior?

 

I think you are right - I transfer the feelings I have about myself - both sexual and emotionally - to how I think others should see me. Then this becomes sexually arousing and fulfilling. I want to get over this, but the feelings are so intense.

 

It's so perverse and backwards. Like the healthy version of this would be that you act virtuous and are pleased when people see you in that way.

For me I have always felt inferior around women, so I find it fulfilling when they are actually seeing me in a humiliating way. Suddenly the way I feel about myself is being validated and encouraged and reinforced by women laughing at me.

 

I have the same issue I think. Whenever I fantasise about a women ignoring me and then clubbing and getting fucked; I get very aroused by that incel-like thought.

Way I see it it's a combination of porn fucking your brain and self esteem issues. Quitting the porn and bettering yourself could be ways to remove this horrible fetish.

 

I wonder if it is connected to people liking horror films and feeling fear.

 

I think, classical conditioning explains this pretty well. By pairing one stimulus with a second, stronger one, the brain learns how to perceive the first one, and how to react to it. For further details, look up Classical conditioning and Little Albert experiment on Wikipedia.

In this case, you have some random fantasy while you masturbate. Masturbation feels good, so it overwrites how you perceive the content of your fantasy. Next time you start with with the same fantasy and further strengthen that perception. So suddenly, the idea of sticking needles into your willie feels good for you. Not necessarily doing it in reality, but even that works when you masturbate to it a few times.

The interesting part is that according to classical conditioning, these feelings and behaviours can be unlearned again. If the bell rings, but the food is not brought anymore, Pavlov’s dog stops to saliva. If Albert sees a rabbit without a loud bang, he soon looses his fear again.

 

@Feeling Lost and Confused The weird thing is, these scenarios you're fantasizing about still have you in them. In real life, if your wife actually thought so little of you, she wouldn't spend all that time and energy humiliating you. She'd just leave. Your wife doesn't want a dog she can kick around. If she did, she'd be a horrible person. Your wife, women in general, want to be paired with someone willing and able to take care of stuff.

It's common. I hesitate to say it's normal. I think @277joe is correct in that some guys are anxious about inferiority, so the humiliation feels true. It just clicks. You tell yourself you're worthless all the time, it just sounds... more attractive, I guess, coming from a porn star, or imagining it from someone you trust. Bill Cosby (oh how his star has fallen) had a bit where he said women don't want to hear your opinion, they want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice. Reverse is true in this scenario. Maybe fetishists want to reinforce that opinion of themselves in an excessively sexual voice.

I think the humiliation subgenre is particularly easier for a boy to fall into because he's grown up with Internet porn. It's his first sexual experience, usually when he is feeling a little too young but curious, so he instantly has feelings of transgression and shame associated with sex. Then he sees these gorgeous women acting and expressing in certain ways, and he knows in real life women have never reacted to him like that. If he goes on to have a real world sexual experience, and his partner doesn't react in the way porn has trained him to expect, he feels like it's something he is doing wrong or it's even deeper. He thinks it's because he himself is inherently and irrevocably wrong. Size anxiety has a lot to do with it, that's a difference he can objectively point to and it's something about his body he can't change. These are happening cognitively, but I think we often underestimate the power of the body. Our reproductive drive is not as sophisticated as we'd like to think. Sex is a powerful engine. It makes us stupid. I believe when we are feeling something big, and also being sexually stimulated, we associate that big, overwhelming feeling with being horny and the whole thing can drive you off a cliff. We think that overwhelming feeling is what made us horny, and begin to think that's just the way we are, we subsume that emotional trauma into our "sexual identity." We say, "I am a sub, it's what gets me off, it's who I am." The truth is, that overwhelming feeling probably didn't cause you to be horny. Maybe it was the exact opposite; feeling horny was a new experience and that made you anxious and ashamed. Alternatively, the feeling and the stimulation didn't have anything directly to do with one another, but you were feeling both simultaneously. You don't need to be humiliated to get off, and being humiliated doesn't directly get you off. It's strictly a Pavlovian response. Ring the bell, it's time to eat so we salivate. Hear demeaning language directed our way, it's time for sex so we get hard.

I think that's why feelings of inadequacy get turned into sexual pleasure, but a response would be incomplete without providing at least an opinion on what to do about it. You can try dispelling the lie of porn and humiliation, to help you see through the performance. Sometimes it helps to see the puppeteer, to be reminded this is a performance. It isn't real. This isn't what real women want. It's not how they act during sex. Reality is less dramatic, as you'd expect, they are acting. Basing your ideas about what sex is on porn is like basing your ideas about police work based on NCIS: Vegas, or your opinions about firearm safety on John Wick. Then you go out and actually try it? Use it to construct your self-perception? I'd pray to Allah, Buddha, and sweet baby Jesus you'd go to actual police academy and learn how to NOT shoot before pinning a badge to your chest and carrying a weapon.
You can begin reversing this depressing, self-defeating perception of yourself by starting small. Realize that nobody at all benefits from you being insignificant, not yourself, not other people. They do not need a rug. You do not need to be a rug. If that is what is going on, you're both wrong, you're both enabling and hurting one another, and neither of you has to do it. If you aren't significant right now, you do have the potential to make yourself significant. You do that by starting small, and then building on that success. Stand tall with your shoulders back, lobster posture. Clean your room, maybe you can do that. Jordan Peterson stuff. I mean, whatever you think of his politics, he was a successful psychological clinician and this is basic stuff. My own therapist is the political opposite of Peterson and they agree on this stuff.
Last, and maybe it's just me and my issues, but I think one of the most basic and best things you can do is learn how to correctly categorize sex. We imbue it with so much value, too much value, especially us as addicts but that's partially because the entire developed society imbues it with too much value. For us, sexual identity is everything. We use sex, how much we're having and how good we are at it, as markers for personal value. We preach to one another that sex drives our entire lives, that everything we do, everything we say, every relationship we have, is about our reproductive drive, and we believe it, and it shows in our actions. We are obsessed, as a culture, we are in everyone's bedrooms, talking about it constantly, fantasizing about it constantly. But in truth, sex is a very small part of your life. Especially sex as porn portrays it. Sex is not about feeling good, and it is not the only way to feel good. Sex is about reproduction, and it's about bonding which is also about reproduction. That's it. It's not about status, it's not about core identity, and if you are handling it correctly, you're only going to experience it with one or two very special people and that's it and it's only going to be part of how you support the greater relationship with one another. Stop thinking of women as potential mates. The number of actual potential mates you will meet in your life is so small, they are statistically insignificant. Just form relationships, friendships, based on mutual goals and interests. Stop trying to hook up and date, and start living like a normal, complete human being.

And that's what I think about that.

 

Yeah for some weird reason women ignoring me in videos has always been appealing to me. Like the ones where women ignore you with their feet right in front of the camera

 

This is gold. You hit it right on the nail! Couldn’t have said it better.