Why do you do this? Or, why am I here again

Many moons ago, well, August of 2015, I was here. My fiancee had issued an ultimatum, get off porn or the wedding is off... so I went all in...ish, I was in the academy (although I never did show up to an online meeting), I started the videos (and made it halfway and half-hearted through them), and was dedicated to doing something about it.

30 days free, I felt good, the wedding had gone on as planned, the honeymoon was over, and it was back to the routine. It didn't take even a week after being back before I was back in the cycle. But it was different, no longer was I browsing tube sites, it was just images or gifs, it was controlled, I justified to myself.

Sure, every time I hit the O, there was overwhelming guilt and shame, but as far as she knew, I had this beat. But I justified it to myself, it's been months of "Maybe tomorrow" followed by "I'm too tired", if I'm fortunate and try really hard, the bland pity-sex with no sense of desire from her, then being forced to lie and say that I'm alright with a sexless marriage, I'm fine with the 30 lbs you've gained this last year, you're still beautiful to me even though you've completely let yourself go, and then I turn back to those girls that never do that to me. Those pixels on the screen. Then I got caught... again

So I changed my habits again, and this time I kept it to animated, if it's not real people, it's okay? Right? Yet another lie I told myself, and when I was caught this time, I was kicked out of my own bed. Forced to sleep on the couch. My wife told me that she didn't want to hear it, she's done listening to the lies of the addict. Get help or get out, I will not enable this anymore... the tears flowing as she shouts at me to leave the bedroom.

It was a cold night on the couch last night, I want help. I've been here before, but motivation is fleeting, it comes and goes. It's not enough to half-heartedly do this, but it's easy to tell ourselves it's enough to get by...

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I know that your reasons and my reasons can't be the same, but I'm struggling to dig deep, to find that reason I anchor to, to make this change. I'd love to hear why you are on this journey, and maybe find something that helps me with mine.