Wife of porn addict losing hope

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by JINX40, Jan 31, 2020.

  1. JINX40

    JINX40 Fapstronaut

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    I'm new here, and maybe I'm in the wrong section, I don't know, but my husband of 20 years is a porn addict, not just porn but talking to people online as well, a few times that I know of. We had a few good years recently where things were better or he hide it better, now he works out of town 2 weeks a month, and even tho he says he isn't looking at porn, I feel the disconnect and when we have sex its "different ". I'm no prude, after 20 years we still do it 3 times a week at least, when it's that time of the month and I know he isn't into that, I will still get him off, with my hands or mouth at least 3 times over the course of my period...I'm just feeling defited and ugly and unloved, I know they say it has nothing to do with me blah blah, but honestly if I looked and acted like a porn star, wouldn't that help? I mean I struggle, I maintain my weight, I'm very open in bed, I just dont know what to do anymore, its crushing me, taking away everything from me, making me feel like in an inch big..I'm losing myself and I hate that someone who apparently loves me would do that to me. Any advice..
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2020
  2. Kligor

    Kligor Fapstronaut

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    Hi buddy,don't worry.
    Try to talk with him about this,try to explain him that his porn addiction have impact on yours marriage and have effect on both of your life's.I don't know does he is aware of situation,if he is try to nicely talk with him and remember him about that,if he don't know then explain him everything and tell him why is that bad(Poor life quality,harder cooperating,less trust from both side,not enough honest...etc) .When speaking with him be confident in yourself and speak with nice voice.
    Try to openly talk with him about this,i don't have any other idea,good luck.
     
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  3. JINX40

    JINX40 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply, but I have told him, I'm always honest and never in a confrontational way, and he assured me he wasn't doing anything, but his cell phone shows me otherwise and yes I looked, I feel bad but, so now I'm just not sure what to do anymore, I cant live this way anymore but also he's my best friend and I cant picture my life without him, but he just wont be honest. It's a definite rock and a hard place for sure!
     
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  4. Kligor

    Kligor Fapstronaut

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    Might i will ask stupid question,did he know what is nofap?
    Tell him about this,tell him that there is reward when man quit P and M,and benefits is almost unliminated.Tell him if he try nofap he will never feel more alive,might that can change his mind,i don't know really.
    Like you said he is not at home much time because of work and he can do it secretly.
     
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  5. JINX40

    JINX40 Fapstronaut

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    He doesn't know I've investigated or joined anything, because in his mind he hasn't done anything, so I think he is still too many steps behind.
     
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  6. henryhill

    henryhill Fapstronaut

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    Just want to add this thought. His porn problem is his and has nothing to do with you. Nothing you do in the bedroom etc will change that. He needs to change for himself and learn to be honest with himself. It is not your fault at all. I’m so sorry though that the consequences of his choices are real and have hurt you in a real deep way. It is important for you to realize what you need and to work and fight for that. I’m not suggesting separation but if you’re unhappy and he isn’t willing to change then you might need to consider your options.

    Your happiness is paramount. I am new to NoFap but I believe there is a forum for spouses impacted by this I highly recommend you go to it to find some guidance advice and support.
     
  7. JINX40

    JINX40 Fapstronaut

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    Hi thanks Henry, after looking around a it more on this site I realized I'm not in the right place! I misunderstood the site's platform, being mainly to help those struggling with addiction and not necessarily for those looking for support in the way I was looking. That being said, your reply was helpful and I really appreciated it!! Thanks so much for your words!
     
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  8. henryhill

    henryhill Fapstronaut

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    No I believe there is a forum within nofap for people like you! I just haven’t really looked at it since it doesn’t relate to me :). I’ll see if I can post a link to it in another reply.
     
  9. henryhill

    henryhill Fapstronaut

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  10. henryhill

    henryhill Fapstronaut

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    I think the above link might bring you to some better support and ideas for next steps and how to take care of yourself.
     
  11. Dang. There use to be an active female member (I haven't seen her post for a decent while now) on here who had this whole list of links cued up for just such a situation as yours.

    Sorry you are going through this. It is not easy and you didn't ask for it. Porn addiction is a terrible web and the damage it deals is awful. I hope you find support here, there are tons of women and some sober minded men who can offer great advice. Glad you are here.
     
  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    The sites platform is for both the addict and the significant other. You can learn a lot on here. You can also post partner support section. Or join the sos group. Lots of Women in your shoes.
     
  13. Shaun Scott

    Shaun Scott Fapstronaut

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    I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. It’s a good reminder for every married man, that on the other side of our actions is a wife and family that are affected. I do fee this is the right place, and honestly I believe there is hope for you and your relationship.

    knowledge is power. This site is not only a forum to discuss, but a key resource to links and information. Speak to your husband, and find a marriage counselor. Find a place where you can both be open and discuss the issue. Bring up the fact that you know that he’s still looking at porn, and that you want to help him. Get him to read about your brain on porn, and the impact it has on your life. Sadly, traveling for business is often a huge pitfall for a man to relapse.. alone, in a hotel, bored.. next thing your doing PMO.

    seriously. If you’re still having sex three times a week.. there’s hope. You clearly love each other. Work together to overcome and grow stronger.
     
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  14. JINX40

    JINX40 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks to everyone who has replied, it's good to hear from others who understand, also from other men who have been through the struggle themselves and are working to get help, gives me hope, I plan on talking with my hubby when he is home in a few days, I didnt want to have to catch him in a lie about it by looking at his phone, I was hoping he could have been upfront himself, hate started that way, dont want him to feel like he is backed into a corner, but luck was not on my side. I do understand tho, I myself have spent time looking at porn, sometimes once a month sometimes a few times a day, tho if I never had access to it again, it wouldn't bother me at all, guess that's where the addiction comes into play. I'll check out those links and have a better look around, hopefully I have some better news next week. Again thanks everyone;)
     
  15. Raging Wife

    Raging Wife Fapstronaut

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    Recovery means first admitting there is a problem, my husband didn't want to admit he had an addiction to it, we both didn't understand addiction, what it done to him and I.
    We were directed to 'path' for him and 'bloom' for me. It was so helpful for us both, him in understanding how it made me feel and me in understanding it had zero to do with me, my efforts etc. It still feels like a kick in the teeth daily though. Proper shit!
     
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  16. quit@porn

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to here that,

    But, to be honest we ( men) never thought that porn is the problem at first stage and this is the biggest problem.

    Show him those side effects and problems by growing through this forum , it will take time but he will understand one day.

    Unless and until he himself wouldn't try to come out of this which he will not without acknowledging the problem, it will be difficult to solve this problem. ...

    Best luck buddy
     
  17. PaulPaul

    PaulPaul Fapstronaut

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    My advice would be to get him on the nofap forum, or into therapy. You are probably not the right person to successfully open his eyes and guide him through detox. You are the right person to ask, talk and cry, get angry if you need to! You are entitled to all of your emotions and thoughts. And he should acknowledge that and listen. But to overcome this addiction he needs guidance from outside of the relation.
     
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  18. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Lots of good replies here, so I'm going to keep this short and mention something that I don't think others have. Even if he doesn't see a problem with the porn and is in denial about the changes in the bedroom you have seen, you might try explaining to him how you have noticed changes. And, what you noticed might not be from comparing you to porn stars or even preferring porn to you (common issues but not always the case). It might just be he's using up his sexual energy with porn before sex with you is an option.

    That is something that can be very hard to see as the porn user. We will miss the intiaton attempts of our partner because we've already gotten off.
     

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