years of obligation, never met-shame and regret

I've been entertaining the idea of quitting porn for years, ever since my girlfriend at the time got a STD from me. She loved me to the point where she stayed with me, even after I admitted to seeing a prostitute, going to stripper clubs and was letting porn diminish our sex life. We went to couples therapy and I attended sex-addict meetings for a few months. I will never forgive myself for the pain I put her through. I loved her with everything I had. Obviously I lost her trust and she would constantly check the computer for porn. We agreed to limit my internet use to times when she was home. I was very lucky she was helping me overcome my urges for pmo. After a few months, I bought some porn dvds and hid them from her. I used PM without o and we had some great sex because of my edging. That edging led to inevitable pmo. She didnt even ask me if I relapsed. She could see it in my eyes. Ultimately she was unhappy with the mistrust and decided to move out, despite having better sex, briefly. After she moved out, I started to seek prostitutes again. I also tried to have sex with as many women as I could and would watch porn everyday as well as go to sex clubs. This pattern lasted for 9 years. I would spend my time with one woman or another over the years in relationships I would insist were non-commital, non monogamous. Ultimately, I would manipulate these women for as long as I could so I could continue to pmo and visit sex clubs and hookers. Usually, the women had no problem with porn and enjoyed it themselves. I would downplay the destructive element of its effects on my brain. Most of these women wanted to act out what we saw in porn and I enjoyed sex with them. However, eventually they wanted more time and commitment with me. Reguardless of how nice I was to them, they could tell I was acting selfish with my time and wanted some kind of promise in the relationship. I have begun to hate myself for becoming a manipulative douchebag. I put these women at risk of STDs by seeing prostitutes behind their back. Often I felt they knew but were afraid to ask about this shameful habit I allowed myself take control of me. I feel as if the porn and sex addiction has swallowed my soul. I have been overwhelmed and terrified of commitment for too many years. My libido has always been compromised and I never fully satisfied my lovers on a regular basis I feel as if this addiction has persuaded me to withdraw from all of my friends and live an isolated life in shame and regret. I feel as if I am hollow inside and everyone can see it. The shame and regret is unbearable, now. I am desensitized to real intimacy. I am lost in a world of women's body parts and fantasy. I have not had any romance or connection with a woman in years, however, I've PAID women to use and degrade them and their bodies. I've found women with low self esteem, who think all they deserve is to be used. Life has become so meaningless and I am losing connection with my friends that are non-sexual. It is because of my addiction that I have withdrawn and now battle depression and alcohol. I can only see this snowballing if I don't stop now. I want to eventually be capable of falling in love and loving. This loveless purgatory has become a hell.