You Can Change Your World. It is never ever too late.

I have almost reached my 90-day target (first attempt), and wanted to share my story, which I hope, will be of help and inspiration for those struggling or of the belief that they truly cannot break the habit.

I am a 59 year old male who did not even know about masturbation until I was 15, when I discovered it a new world of possibilities emerged and like any you hormone fuelled male I explored the possibilities of never being bored and unable to fall asleep again.

Then one day I found a men’s magazine soft core topless posing, which I couldn’t believe existed, the effect was as immediate (“I must see more of these magazines” as the effect was dizzying. I then would pluck up the courage to buy these magazines for myself and hide them away (sounds familiar –I’m sure), and I don’t think anything out of the ordinary for a growing male to be fascinated with sex, yet I found the magazines to be safer (no rejection) more reliable (always ready for you!) and endlessly new (new models - higher levels of nudity). So whilst I was keen on girls I was lacking in confidence and rather than take rejection as a fact of life, I preferred not to risk rejection, and comforted myself with my version of ‘the next best thing’

Then one day I was shown a hard-core porn mag from Germany and I was then hooked on the desire to see more. As I got older I would during trips to Europe always go to Sex Shops and browse endlessly (in the UK there were at the time very strict censorship laws), and that became a way of life, I was not a collector of porn but I was a user, more of a binge user, nothing for weeks then as all addicts do had a splurge (literally and metaphorically) I found a few suppliers of illicit, badly copied hard core porn videos, whom I would visit regularly, buy a bunch of ever stronger content, straight up vanilla porn was boring so I increased my shock level. That more or less was the pattern.

I never married. Though dated many wonderful women, who were great girls but didn’t live up to my porn star expectation of sex, in fact I had unwittingly made myself emotionally unavailable, I related women with sex and not loving companionship, as a consequence I secretly wanted to meet a woman who enjoyed the stuff I watched in the movies, because that was what got me off, as it was what I thought was ‘real’.

With the Internet I continued to browse free sites and advocated that porn was harmless fun, which for many I am sure it is. But when it replaces the real world it becomes the stuff of addictive fantasy. I had avoided commitment, and being emotionally available and along the way missed the opportunity to have a truly loving and worthwhile relationship where sex was a part of the relationship, and not the reason for the relationship.

I then saw a TED talk video on the Brain and Pornography, and found this site. I studied neurophysiology at university and suddenly the brain chemistry aspect as well as the feelings of low self-esteem, guilt and objectification of women (I had always been someone who liked women with large busts – like the porn I watched).

In an instant I saw the cause for the effects porn had on my life. Porn addition is not about volume of consumption or degree of extremeness, it is about needing it, and feeling compelled to get your next fix. I knew a girl who was the sister of a friend of mine, one day we went to a bar after I had shown here around town (she was visiting) I asked her what she wanted to drink, and she said “A soda” I suggested something stronger and she matter of factly said that she was an alcoholic. When I asked her about it, she said from the moment she woke up in the morning she was planning where she was going to buy then drink that day. Porn addiction is the same we feel we can’t live without it. The good news is, we can.

The fact I binged over the years, and then didn’t look at it for weeks, made me feel, ‘I’ve no problem with this’, or “I can give this up anytime I want”, the truth was I couldn’t and I felt shame. Shame at my inability to hold a relationship due to my thinking there is someone sexier out there who loves porno sex, I just need to find them. What was I thinking ?

I found this site, and decided there and then to do a reboot to do 90 days no PMO, it was the easiest decision I have made in my life, and from the moment I made the pledge to do so, a huge weight has lifted of my heart and spirit.

I am now on day 85, I decided to do 60 but felt so good I am continuing to 90 and other then proper sexual relations I do not plan to ever PM again.

I am older now so it may have been easier, lower testosterone levels and awareness that porn never made me happy or feel fulfilled or positive about myself. I would like to share with those who have struggled what I have discovered since I started.

1. My self-confidence has gone through the roof, I really like myself and can easily talk to stranger’s head held high.
2. I talk to women now without remotely ‘checking them out’, as a result, I am making new friends, who though I am not attracted to sexually, am attracted to people. And guess what, as the friendships grow so does the opportunity for real sexual attraction to begin.
3. I took up meditation and found that you learn to stop unhelpful thoughts, and not lock onto them.
4. If the urge took me, I simply told myself every day I went took me closer to where I want to be as a human. And not to give in, after I did so, I felt amazingly good about myself.
5. You have the will power, I believe PMO is about boredom, and a short attention span (I am easily bored and am ADD), however by turning my attention immediately away from PMO triggers. I redirected my thoughts.

I can’t believe at my age I could change the unhelpful cycle that has ruled my life and damaged my self-esteem, but you really can fix it. You have to believe that every day you are getting better and better, happier and happier, and you will discover that you are.

Good luck.

 

Today I discovered I am at day 91, which is great as it means I have stopped counting ( well almost

Next goal 100, then after that I know there will be no porn or visual triggers knowingly sought, and when they appear ( randomly) I will do what I have done for the last 90 days, which is to ignore it and change my focus.

To all you out there who are struggling I promise you when you hit 30 days, then 60 you will love yourself for staying true to yourself and the diffrence in how you see yourself will leave you wondering why didn't I do this sooner.

all the best

Ben Nevis