You Deserve Better Than Porn

A journal entry from 7 months ago:

Seriously, why give up the chance for real intimacy with a real woman, by choosing Pixels/Phantoms on a screen of ppl who don’t know you and could never be with you?

Now, a real healthy genuine relationship is what truly matters, and what you deserve. Think about her, your future partner. What she must be going through, the type of person she deserves, and be that person for her, for yourself, for your loved ones. In a real loving dynamic there’d be: shared experiences, growth, communication, love, touch, laughter, vulnerability, Intimacy, honesty,healing, compassion, emotions, challenges, obstacles, ups and downs, etc.

I’ll be honest, Porn or any of it’s substitutes do seem alluring, seductive, and somewhat tempting at times, because of the novelty, instant gratification, constant seeming-stimulation, of beautiful, gorgeous super attractive women who’re down to do almost anything, anytime, anywhere all at the click of a button, swipe of a screen. But that’s the trap here… It’s all an illusion. Porn is nothing but fake, scripted, exaggerated unrealistic expectations where you’re just the VIEWER. Nothing more. It’s literal voyeurism…

 

Hey, ohhh yeah most definitely 7 months can change a lot, for the worst or for the better. Unfortunately, in my case though it seems like I’ve been struggling too often and just giving in when I know it’s not the right thing. My mental health and confidence feels like it’s at an all-time low, and porn, childhood sexual traumatic experiences, disturbing perversions/fetishes I stumbled into, constant intrusive thoughts (A few OCD subtypes) have been at the centre of it all. When I had a full year’s sobriety off of porn it was nothing like this. So that’s direct experience proving that pornography in any of it’s forms drastically worsens the quality of my life and health by over tenfold tbh. You know you’re dealing with an addiction when it’s something you completely swore off, something you know is absolutely not worth it, something you don’t truly want to partake in, yet you still succumb to the seduction and allure of instant gratification which robs you of energy and joy leaving you feeling like a lifeless zombie.

Past 11-12 months it’s been a continuous toxic cycle, but I’ve learned many things and do see a light which I’m slowly moving towards every day, regardless of my slips, falls and mishaps. Just yesterday the thought to search up images and videos came up, and guess what… I gave in, only to instantly regret it after. I feel like shit, but I can’t keep beating myself over it. I just have to accept it happened, and keep moving forward. I know this is harmful behaviour, I know it’s pathetic and doesn’t even bring enjoyment and true connection/intimacy yet in the heat of the moment I feel hypnotized whilst seeking artificial sexual gratification from pixels on a screen.

Funny thing is, while/after “finishing” I said something like this out loud and in my head: “This doesn’t make me a bad person, I am worthy of love. But I feel I’m struggling to clear this poison out of my life right now, and until it is healed for good, I think I’m not ready to be in a relationship yet, because it wouldn’t be fair for her to be with me the way I am right now, while still dealing with this shit.”

This post is not even 10 hours after my most recent relapse, but I’m gonna leave it like that, just a one time thing and not a binge or whatever.
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^Update: I just did it again thrice that makes it the 4th time in less than 24 hours. First was 20 mins and rest under 2 hours combined…Fuck’s sake, it’s like I gave up today on giving a fuck, but i do give a fuck, a lot actually…It actually makes me happy to know how fucked up and like shit I feel post-nut, and even being annoyed at myself during. Because that just evidently shows how dissonant this is to my being, and how important it is in cutting it out to grow and be a better version of myself
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Don’t know how many times I’ve said that only to slip up again later, but as long as I choose to never give up healing, I’d say I’m already on the right track. Fall down 1000 times, get up 1001 times. Keep trying, you got this

How about you, you holding up well lately?