A few days ago I was spending some quality time with my wife, which seemed like something that we hadn't done in a long time. We got talking and I somehow found myself admitting to her that our issues in the bedroom were all my fault due to my addiction to P. I had admitted to her on a previous occasion that I had a P addiction, however as of late, she was under the impression that I had gotten over my addiction. She once found some P on my smartphone, and when confronted about it I lied and said that I only watched P occasionally. All the while our intimacy was taking a hit as I continued to live this sick lie. My ED was making it very difficult for us to have intercourse, and what's worse about all of this is that I allowed my wife to actually believe that it was somehow her fault. Of course she never said as much, but I knew that that was how she felt on the inside. Yes, I know I sound despicable, but being addicted to PMO does all sorts of terrible things to a person (not that this is a valid excuse for my behaviour!). Anyhow, back to the part about me opening up to my wife about my addiction to PMO and my ED problem... So there we were, just hanging out, having a chat, holding one another close, when the conversation began to take a turn towards being rather "deep". My wife expressed her concern about our love making (or inherent lack thereof). Hearing the pain in her voice made me realise how badly I had been hurting her without her even knowing that I was doing it. Here I had a loving wife who just wanted to make me happy and be intimate with me and strengthen our bond, and instead of reciprocating all of that, I was busy jerking off to some filth on the internet. The guilt was just too much to bear, I just had to say something. And so, against the protests of that nasty little voice in the back of my mind, I told my wife the truth. I admitted that the blame for my ED and our sexual problems rested squarely on my shoulders. I sat there expecting the worse, awaiting a foray of abuse, but what came next was something completely different. Instead of the verbal warfare that I had been preparing for, my wife actually tried to take the blame for my P addiction! She said that it was her fault because she was unable to give me what I desired. It was at this point that I realised what a douche bag I had really been. How could I have allowed my loving wife to feel this way? I knew that this had to end, and so I reassured her that this was not her fault, that PMO had become my drug, and like a junkie I was always awaiting my next fix. I made her a promise, that for the sake of our marriage, I would do all that I could to put this to an end once and for all. It is the love of my wife that will be the driving force behind my push for success. I was 'clean' for 31 days before I relapsed ( http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/relapsed-but-will-not-give-up.43117/ ) , but I will not let that stop me, for PMO might have won the battle, but I will win the war...
You can do it man. It isn't easy, but when you have that kind of motivation backing your real brain, the other one tends to lose track. Work on the root of the problem, try to divert yourself away from any lusting thoughts other than that which you rightfully are allowed to think, which is your wife. All other people should be purely good people, living their daily lives. Sure they might be attractive, but they aren't for sex. Your wife, is a amazing person, who you get the PRIVILEGE to be able to enjoy a deeper connection with. Good luck and hang in there! It is definitely a long war...
You are on your way to making a life that is better than you could've imagined! A year from now you won't be able to believe that you chose PMO over sex with your wife.
