I am married unfortunately and love my wife and love sex with her, but my work scheme is travelling a lot, and I was porn addicted before marriage and continued after marriage mostly when travelling alone, I hate myself because of that also blame my wife because she doesn't like sex as much as I do especially after our 2nd daughter. I stopped this shit two days ago while I travelling and very afraid to fall down again.
I would love to be able to help you I'm on paying 99 hardmode pmo married 33 years have one child he's an 18 year old male out of the house we're trying to recover our marriage and I'm doing hardmode pmo which means no sex no masterbation and no orgasm and that means no sex of any kind so I'm a firm believer if you want to fix it and you're an alcoholic you don't have alcohol if you're a drug addict you don't have drugs if you're a rageaholic you don't get angry so if you're trying to quit a habit like masterbation or torn then you can't have orgasm because that's going to keep on bringing you right back to where you belong so good luck if you want my help I can help you out I don't know how long I'm going right now 99 days free and it is the most liberating feeling ever I will never ever let anything like this control my life again when it's over
Congratulation ur self esteem to progress one day at a time and to make each day happy for ur family.
Thanks a lot all of you Gents., your input meant a lot for me so far, it's been now around 4 days without PMO, but I am also involved in my work as well, all what I am afraid of is when I finish my work duties after 3 or 4 days and resting before heading back home, then I get nothing to do with good internet access and lonely.
Re: Your wife not being into sex. It is very likely that because you are fulfilling your needs on the side, you just aren't expressing desire for her. Think of it this way: If 75% of your sexual energy is directed at porn, you are filling up your desire tank and there isn't much left for her. You don't need her as you have your own sexual outlet. When you stop PMO ALL of your desire is hers again. You will look at her longingly. You will glance at her curves a bit longer. You will wrap your arm around her waist while she is cooking. If you WANT her 100% she will feel it and be receptive. Believe me, being a mom is tough and we get tired BUT we want nothing more thank to feel like a WOMAN again-and it is your job to appreciate her as one.
Plan on changing your daily life in order to recover. Your fears are warranted. We can’t stsy sober on sheer will power, or I should say an addict of my caliber can’t. Re-wiring your brain isn’t easy, but it also isn’t complex. There’s a few key things I do daily and some stuff I do weekly/regularly that keep the Addiction and cravings at bay.
You are correct at one point and not at another. I have sexual energy always for my wife but she is not the same like me or not the same like before children. Sometimes I get very upset on my children on that scene. Not regularly but when she turns her back to me I used to do this PMO on her back at our home, eventually she knows afterwards and we fight, really bad from me I admit it. However, I googled this issue of women lack of desire after having children, and found it happens frquently between couples. My biggest issue is when I am out of home travelling offshore for my work scheme and also when I am homealone and not desired by my wife.
Here’s what I do to stay sober form all PMO including any uncesesary touching or rubbing. Daily - every Morning Journal with pen and paper 10-15 minutes Meditate 10 minutes Prayer 5 minutes (I’m not religious so it’s an exercise on finding my connection to the world. Most recently it’s contemplation about love and honesty and learning to be in line with my true morals) Exercise cardio/calisthenics 10-30 min. Daily - throughout the day 100% rigorous honesty with myself and someone else (might be a family member, or a friend, someone in here, or my therapist depending on what I need to get off my chest.) At night before I go to sleep I contemplate my day, making sure I haven’t held any secrets. If I have I will write them down and talk to someone the next day about them. In moments of emotional distress I do emergency journaling. Sometimes writing 5-6 pages until there’s clarity on the situation. Go o a walk at night with my family every day. Weekly See a CBT therapist weekly. Overtime I’ve been 100% honest with her and it has dramatically helped me. I attend 2 SAA meetings a week I text/call SAA memebers regularly to check in I participate in the meetings by speaking to the group when it’s time for sharing. (More chances to practice the rigorous honesty). Working the 12 steps using the AA Big Book with an SAA sponsor. I’m currently finishing the 4th step and have written about 75 pages of stuff to share with my sponsor. This thorough self inventory took about 1 month to write. I suffer from anxiety and depression also, so I do these for it Sleep schedule: 8 hours try and be regular with this Every morning the second I wake up I drink a big glass of water Not staying in bed too long, helps to kill the morning depression CBT workboot exercises Healthy diet: zero processed foods, zero processed sugars. I’m also vegan. Since making these changes, I’ve had very few moments where I wanted to relapse. On average my desire to relapse is 3-4/10. In stressful moments it’s gone up to 9/10 but journaling daily gave me a new habit which I am able to utilize in these moments of stress and I can get through them, then the intense urge subsides. The mental lust has decreased. I don’t obsess about sex, porn, and masturbation very often. I still find people really attractive and still look at people walking by who are hot, but it’s no longer connected to PMO thoughts. It’s a more natural thought, rather than an intense sexual thought. I’ve even stared at peoples boobs, butt and body felt some type of excitment feeling, and she passes by, and so does my thought. It doesn’t take over as before. Now, all of the above is 100% true. But there’s still plenty of work to be done. We deal with problems in our head that lead us to act out sexually. Other “normal” people have problems too, they just don’t use porn/sex to run from them. So we need to be vigilant in our solutions and live a new life. I had to come to terms with this. For me, there’s no magic pill solution. It takes daily dedication. As I mentioned all of my above practices are simple and don’t require any crazy training or knowledge. It just takes consistency. There are no shortcuts. If you’re anything like me doing the above practices, constantly, will give relief from addiction. I have a long way to go, and I don’t have all of the answers. I just know I was using PMO for 22 years, trying to quit for the last 10 years, and only when i made these life changes was the cycle able to stop. I only have 90+ days sober, so lots more for me to learn, but I’m grateful for having this Amount of relief; it’s the longest I’ve ever gone without PMO. Does this sound horrible? Does it sound doable? Thoughts?
I am hearing a lot of denial. And resentment to having children (which is sadly very common! ). You need to realize that your wife is tuned into your energy. And if you get your needs met elsewhere she will not be receptive REGARDLESS OF WHETHER SHE KNOWS YOU PMO. Believe me, us women know when we are truly wanted. She is exhausted from caring for kids and you are turning your back to her by PMOing. You need to discuss your needs with her, and discuss her needs as well. It is also very common for sex addicts to hold a lot of resentment towards their partners and to act out this resentment sexually which is what I suspect is happening here. You need to communicate with your partner and start seeing you both as a team.
My husband has maintained a similar schedule and has been 367 days PMO free! Replacing PMO with healthy habits and emotional connection is vital to success. Congrats to you on your healthy lifestyle!
THank you sooooo much for responding! It’s such an inspiration to hear his success but more importantly to see your passion and involvement in his recovery. Because you being here really shows me that me and my wife can work things out and gives me faith that she will be able to step up to the plate and fight with me.
Gents., you have been really supporting but unfortunately I failed this morning and had one time PMO after almost 5 days sober, if I am feeling bad now while writing it is because of you, you deserve much better individual than me, it happened because I stayed longer than in my bloody bed after i woke up, I wish if it was only masturbation but .....
You're here because you want to heal, like all of us. We all have our relapses but overall we've come a long way since we decided to start this journey. Keep posting. It is a great way to temporarily release some of the anxiety. At the same try to find out the main cause of the anxiety. PMO is just the easy way out.
It’s ok, I tried to get sober for the last 10 years, relapses happen and we all can definitely relate. I found that staying in bed too long was also a problem for me. When I dig deeper I realized the reasons why I stayed in bed too long (fear anxiety and depression) so doing things daily to fight those feelings helped me overcome that negative cycle and I don’t have to PMO to deal with it. Find out for yourself if you’re hiding in bed due to emotions, which leads to PMO. Everyone’s different so maybe not but it’s worth an exploration.
I wish I had a dollar for everytime someone relapsed on here, however if I had to give a dollar for everytime I relapsed in my attempted recovery I would be homeless. It is very normal to feel like crap after a relapse. My encouragement to you is to not see the relapse as starting over but know relapses will happen and learn from each one. For example it sounds like you had a great 5 day streak and found a trigger you will need an action plan to fight against in the future. You are doing great. Never giving up and always coming back is crucial in this recovery process. If you are not aware already, find out about the chaser effect. Chasers is when you do not just relapse but the urges make us relapse over and over again. You have found out there is tons of support and lots of wisdom on here from people with similar struggles as you.
Thanks to all of you Gents, great support from your side, I will stand up again on my feet and try. Just having bad mode that I relapsed after 5 days of joining this awesome forum
Friends, I am still clean without PMO since my relapse but for some reason I don't know, my mind keeps thinking about PMO every once and awhile, I expected the opposite after my relapse that I will be more regretting and more forgetting to PMO. Actually I was much stronger & happiet before I relapse. Any help Please ?
