25 day status update

I created this account about a month ago, and it is getting close to the 25 day mark of my journey.

I have to say... it sure has been strange. By no means am I cured, yet I'm beginning to feel different. I relapsed the past 2 days, however the 1st day was on the really hard stuff I used to be addicted to, and it really didn't do it for me. Today was the softer shit, that got me into it in the first place, which is something I'd like to rejoice at.

This isn't a victory. But it's a less humiliating defeat.

I want to let myself know that I'm proud of myself and I can begin to move on with my next stage of my plan...

I would have fantasies about the old, very hard, demented types of porn. Yet all of those would not do it for me, or if they did I would be sort of soft.

I think nowadays, I've reset myself from being deep into it, from being surface level addicted. It's a weird concept, and if you know you know.

Yet I'm really proud of myself for giving up that sissy, transsexual, fear, humiliation, interracial, and hypnosis type shit. Now I have to go through the struggle of every man, not just the hole I dug for myself.

Anyone deep down the rabbit hole of any of those paths, I want you to know that you can find a way out. It took me until about the 6th detox from it, and almost 6 months of constant effort of avoiding hypnosis. That shit is illegal for a reason, but that doesn't mean it is enforced.

I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I still masturbate a lot because my girlfriend lives 15 miles away, but that's something that time will solve. I am going to make a public commitment right now that the only sexual activity- porn or otherwise- I want to undertake right now is real sex.

I decided this because the more I masturbate, the more tempted I am. That's not groundbreaking. But since masturbation became less taboo in the last couple of days, so has using normal porn. That other shit disgusts me now, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Glad we're on the same page, dick.

I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the guy was saying how having a system will make you more disciplined. I have a system for avoiding porn now. I leave my laptop upstairs, powered off, and locked down with blockers in my office upstairs at night. I leave it within sight of my dad's room, so that if he sees me he'll ask me why I'm waking him up.

The next part of the system is that I'm going to stay busy at my new relapse times: A) 2:00-3:00 in the afternoon doing homework and B) roughly 10:00 p.m. when I'm going to sleep. I've got a system of rising and grinding early in the morning so that eliminated the possibility of that, and I need to devise something for the evening. I'm going to go ahead and do homework in the late evening, when my dad is around and near, so that I'm not tempted. I'm going to work in the daytime, to avoid the cycle that is me waiting until he leaves to run errands and do things during the day.

This should build a streak, from which the hard part is throwing off worries and temptations. I will not lose my sperm count or ability to get an erection like I fear, I will still be having sex every week. I won't cum too quick, in fact my performance will stay the same. This was the system I subconsciously had in place, and I need to get back to it.

The next one is praying. I'll remind myself of what I know is on the otherside from just my little taste. I've tasted a life free of porn, and it was one that was full of laughter, confidence, abundance, success. I just need to do it. Have the fortitude to stick with it.

This is the end of my road with porn, I don't really see any benefit to it. I'm almost a full grown man about to be on his own, I don't need it to learn about sex anymore. I don't need it to feel like I have a girl, I already do. It's a waste of time, causes headaches, and insecurities. No one is advocating it to me as a good thing. So, I have to say goodbye.

If anyone actually read all the way through this, thank you! It's been a weird journey so far, and I'm grateful you heard my story.

 

I guess I'm going to start using this as a journal, to help get my thoughts out.

Been isolating myself for a grip, and I don't know why but I got these really angry feelings towards my girlfriend. I was hanging out with my buddy who got back from the army last night and we played pool and darts and lit some stuff on fire. Yet when I got done, I had this feeling that she would be mad at me, and even today when I talked to her she said she wasn't. Don't know if I'm being a dick but she left to go to the store and I've been feeling better.

Normally, I would have taken out my anger by busting a nut or something like that. I've made a new commitment however to avoid all masturbation as well as porn, even if it's masturbation to my imagination. So I'm getting it out here. Kinda pissed how she tries to take as much time as possible with me, I like spending time with her. But she does this thing where she has sad puppy dog eyes when I tell her no or that I'm busy, and it makes me feel guilty.

But maybe I was being weak and not holding my ground in the past, because I do have school shit I need to get done today. And I'm justified in desiring that I can spend my time alone, in fact, I never do try to tell her what friends she should hang out with or whatever, so I don't know why I give so much of a shit about coming off as an abusive asshole. Because I'm not, and I won't worry about that.

I'm proud of myself for using this tool to help me stay more disciplined and keep my focus, I'm praying I stay on the right path, the path to recovery! I'm already on my way there.

 

12/28- New update. My tastes have slowly shifted. Instead of being tempted into the old sissy or interracial porn, now I've developed a concrete taste for other stuff. And this is when I actually relapse. So instead of everyday, it has slowly gone to every 3-4 days, and each new phase I enter gets successively better and better in what I no longer crave.

I no longer crave humiliation. I am no longer confused about my sexuality. There are still tremors of what once was and I will fight them everyday. Now I can only access porn on my home computer, as it should be. I feel triumphant even in the face of a relapse, because I know that I've fallen 50 feet, after coming out of a 500,000 ft rabbit hole.

What I crave now is more of a porn that puts me in the driver's seat, as a man. And as a commanding, confident man. One that plays to what I like, not what I hate. And that's the way it should be. Now I feel as if I can keep up this phase of abstinence for as long as possible, followed by a new preference relapse. My goal is 5 days. And I should have sex before then so all is good.

I realized I'm done with the caption shit. All it is is sissy and interracial shit and I don't like it. Half of the issue was I couldn't venture out of those into other categories, so I felt like a bitch when I did relapse. This created a domino effect where I would then feel worse about myself and turn to porn.

I'm still highly addicted. But not to the point where I'm car-crash addicted. I do it in downtime now, and being unemployed there is a lot of that. But it's a rare activity compared to what it once was.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not justifying keeping porn around forever. However I am proud of myself for the progress I've made on the inside of my head, and my heart. I will reach my goals that I set out for myself!

I'm hoping that if I keep this up for at least the next 3 weeks, I can start to quit, cold turkey. No blockers. No nothing. Just pure, mental fortitude. Like the first legendary 21 day fast I had. I am beyond proud of where I am compared to where I was. That would allow the stress of school to come back in to the equation, and test me as to whether I'm ready to do this.


When I started I would:
-Say I was quitting and do it again that day
- Watch very humiliating categories
- Do it at work, or when someone else was home... or even in the room... yikes
- Not be able to get out of bed or go to sleep without watching porn
- Try to fix it by eating a bunch of junk food
- Use quitting porn as an excuse to slack in other areas
-Feel terrible about not being able to stop

Now I:
-Quit for 3-5 days at a time, and come back periodically.
-Come back to categories which don't make me feel shame, and leave it there.
- Feel minimal temptation to go back to how I once was.
- Do it whilst alone, to let off steam.
- Let my life happen regardless of the porn addiction status.
- Am not afraid to let my girlfriend sleep over.
- Am developing good habits when I wake up and go to sleep.
- Don't get down on myself for one failure, it has not broken me.

What I still want:
-Quit porn entirely, only masturbate to select pictures.
-Try to make it so that I only nut with my girlfriend.
-Don't use a screen to masturbate.
-Don't feel tempted to masturbate whilst in a stressful situation, like doing many homework assignments.
-Hit the 30 day clean mark.
-Be able to not sexualize random women. Although I have stopped thinking of them as porn stars, I still sexualize them greatly. I want to sexualize my girl and women who deserve it, not passerbys who'll think I'm a creep.
-Eventually quit masturbation.


I feel as if getting a playboy magazine will stop me from relying on the internet if I rely on it for a month or more. Then, I can just throw it out. That might be the next course of action... However, I'll hide it so I don't spend every minute of every day beating my dick lol. I think I'll put it in my personal notebooks so no one thinks to look there.

One thing I struggle with is letting it progress. I don't lock it down very well if I get going with a google search, and I need to get better with that. Even if it's not humiliating content. It still has negative effects on me. I can be more masculine and have better game if I don't look at porn. Then I can take off these shackles and be the man I'm meant to be.

NOTE: I already can be the man I'm meant to be. I am just making sure I can make as speedy of a recovery as possible so I no longer feel the need to watch porn, as I can be with real life women.

 

Today I relapsed again, about 2 minutes ago. I wanted to see if my dick still had any sex drive, since I haven't been feeling anything. I've been on shaky ground with my girl, because she stayed over a couple days and after the first few I didn't feel attracted to her. I think that might be more emotional shit than physical, because she's been annoying by getting in my way when I'm trying to live my life, and having a problem with every little thing I say or do. I told her to quit getting in my way and shit wasn't going to work out like she thinks in her perfect little world, but it has made me so turned off from her lately.

However, that doesn't make it okay to just run to porn. It's a coping mechanism, I see that. But I did turn the day around and had some fun with my friends earlier. Man, at least I didn't go back to that weird shit. I need to stop reading the captions though, there is a lot of weird shit on those. Starting now, I'm going to try to go on a huge break from it, hopefully 3 weeks like before. That felt pretty good. Unadding all those porn accounts from Snapchat would be a good start.

On another note, I've been less afraid of porn. It's like it has lost it's power, and now all I have to do is kick it. Like the hardest part is behind me, and it's still an uphill battle, but the grade has gone down. I'm choosing to bring the difficultly level up now because I'm starting to accept that my mom is gone. I miss her a lot, and packing up and getting rid of her stuff isn't fun, but it's something I got to do. It doesn't mean I enjoy it. It just means that I have to make peace with those memories, and that they happened. All I have now is the present and the memories from the past, so I should get rid of things that make the present worse, like porn.

Weird feeling, I got a headache from that relapse. I think it's because I'm mentally tired, and I didn't really want to watch porn, I just wanted to read chipotle chicken. It was less watching porn, and looking at a stillframe picture or 10. Good shit. Fuck pornhub. Fuck xvideos. I don't need them. Now I've graduated even from videos. Let alone videos that aren't shit I want to see. Good job. Every day is a choice. Even though I chose to quit, for some reason gave into that sin, I didn't fully give in. There's a level of fortitude and boundaries I've set for myself that I will keep. And I'm proud. Now, I need to not give in to the temptation.

I think as school ramps up again this will be both easier and harder. I've been going to the gym and on a consistent weightlighting program for 13 weeks now, and I'm going to add in a diet factor. On top of school and finishing this house, it is going to be exhausting. School is when I'm most susceptible to giving in to porn, so I'll try to stay focused. I'll also do it in the mornings once I'm back from the gym, as to not put myself in a situation where my dad has gone to bed and I feel comfortable relapsing on porn. In the past month I've had more days porn free than with porn, so I want to see if I can get another streak porn free.

Just like the calorie journal, I'll do this journal to stop the relapses BEFORE they happen. I'm going to post this to make it official, and hopefully I can find the self-discipline deep down to get this streak in motion. The first couple days are the hardest, and if I keep praying, I know I can get through them.

 

Second day of the streak. And did god give me a tough one. Car trouble, girl problems, friend is pissed at me, and screwed up prescriptions. But damn! Did god give me the resources to take it or what? I can do this. I really can. I believe in myself. I will come out of today with my streak unscathed. I just need to relax, meditate, and shower real quick and I'll be feeling entirely better.

 

Failure. Keeping my head up today. I got my teeth ripped out of my face today, so I won't have to deal with that again. The biggest stressors for me are relationship insecurities and school. Going to develop a system or two to keep those in check. Get homework and shit done much earlier than the due date so I'm not stressing like a little bitch. Got to tell Mia no sometimes then. SHe'll stay. I'm an attractive man. I've nothing to worry about, I treat her with love, too much love. I need to give myself that love and protection, my issue is I was being aggressive, not assertive. I don't need to be insecure about the game of others, I've got my own game myself. Truth is, I'm busy. I haven't shown it and that's what got me. I felt like a scared little bitch all yesterday for my surgery today and then post surgery the pain was so great that I couldn't take it.

Update: It wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Watching the stuff that "really used to get me going" was forced and I felt it. It didn't have that same fear and taboo attached to it, and I've done a great job at deconstructing it. I'm going to try an old skool strat, I need to go get that magazine. If I do that, maybe like how I deconstructed that fear, I can break the reliance on the computer for porn and make it seem foreign. Then, I can go ahead and use only that, which can be thrown away. Work around... I'll think about it. It would help avoid what we've already deconstructed and not allowed to exist any longer but we'd still be relapsing with porn once in awhile. However, it is much safer. I'm in favor for it, because otherwise we'll relapse on the computer anyways. I will reward myself with that porno mag once every 3 days to start, and then I'll bring it down to 5 days. Now I just have to do it...

Other than that being strong and standing up for myself. Damn does that take its toll, especially when I get angry and especially when things don't go my way. But I'm almost done packing this house, and then it's moving, my car, and freedom, baby! Wonder what I'll do with that...

 

A week and two days have passed since my teeth got ripped out and I'm still recovering a little bit. I got 4 taken out, and I've returned to my normal life but still have mild aches and pains in my sockets. Nothing ibuprofen doesn't fix.

Didn't go for the magazine. In fact, haven't been going for porn at all. Last friday was the last time I looked at it, and it was a still image. Again, that's a win. I'm about 5 weeks in the second phase of resetting myself. I can say, it has gotten A LOT easier. I'm feeling less temptation, more desire to do things outside the pornographic world, and best of all, no shame. I am what I am, and I've gotten a hell of a lot better. There's nothing I can't tackle. Weird changes have been happening recently, and I feel much better in the sexual health realm.

I haven't been able to swear off masturbation like before. Before I would go three to four days before a relapse but recently it has made a comeback. Yet it is never to porn, it's to my imagination. Still ain't great, but it is a massive improvement for me. This next week I'm going to try to take a few days off of masturbation until I see my girl friday and then go for it. Obviously, keep staying away from porn. It doesn't feel scary and impending like it once did, and I feel like myself that I haven't felt like since I was 13.

A lot of my subconscious inferiority complexes are disappearing and I'm coming to see the reality of life. It is a lot better and more beautiful than I was making it out to be. There's so much opportunity and I've been taking what I can. Also, since getting rid of porn from my life, waiting to do things and making deals with myself as "if I just do this then I'll" has started to fade away. I'll never get anywhere waiting around doing nothing. Procrastinating has been eliminated from what I need to do, and now I'm starting to get rid of it on things I want to do.

I don't have a game plan for the next couple weeks. The goal is to not look at porn for the next week, and in the next 3 weeks start doing away with masturbation. I don't think that that is a crazy goal. I started getting serious about this last October, and it's been almost 3 months since then. Before that I had been off and on since December. And before then I had been plagued by it uncontrollably. Yet hopefully, god will bless me with focus and fortitude this week. I forgot to mention that I had tough days this week and I still didn't cave and look at porn. On the one I did, I had an easy day.

One weird thing is that there has been porn movies just sitting on the kitchen table and I suddenly feel way less tempted to use them. Haven't seen actual video porn in almost two weeks. That's the way I want to keep it. I like how the cravings are dying. They're not gone forever, not yet. I still have much to prove. Yet I'm hopeful, I'm positive, and I'm progressing.

Finished up packing up my house, now I just got to take apart the large furniture and get it ready for the BIG MOVE Saturday. After that, it gets significantly easier. I still got a bunch of homework and college shit to do today, but I'm not trippin' about that because I know I'll get it done. On another note, I really don't want to start it even though I know it'll be fine. I can only spend like 3-4 more minutes here.

There's so much left but I don't know how to put it to words. Life is looking up, truly up, from where it was. I'll have so much more free time in the future, which I can then use to start to fix my car and then get a job. Then I can move out. Yeah, I miss my mom, but this shock is what I needed to get my ass in gear. I couldn't stay there forever. It brings me joy to know that after this struggle is through with, the toughest part will be hitting my macros to bulk or cut. I feel like I'm conquering myself and learning to harness my energies. Like I'm mastering myself and my life and am on this great path. Life is going to give me shit, hand me L's, but I take them differently. I don't stand down, I make sure I don't take one again. And that's the way it should be.

 

I can't lie, I've fallen hard and relapsed hard. I fell back on to the interracial shit I hate and makes me feel bad. Nothing has happened besides the fact that I've been sitting in an office doing my homework all day. Maybe that's what I hate. That my life has come to that. And all the self loathing is a way of expressing it.

I'm really concerned. This makes me hate and hate and hate. I fucking hate that shitty porn. It fills me with fear. Fear I'll get cheated on, that I'm not good enough, makes me buy into the shit that my race is disappearing or something. Like my culture is disappearing. So what if it's a conspiracy? It seems real enough. White nationalists and normal white people get a lot of flack for being proud of themselves. I was looking into that today. I think the internet is filling me with fear. It is all I have been consuming recently.

I want out of this. Not another motivational speech but truly out. I desperately need another detox. I've avoided the hypno videos and using specific names but it doesn't matter. I need out of this porn trap. It's starting to affect my psyche again and it doesn't matter if there are types of porn that put me in a dominant role. That worship me or whatever. There are types that play off my fear and demean me. And I need to avoid all of it. Hentai too.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. With each passing day I grow closer and closer to movng in with Mia which will help. But I'm disgusted with this. No more videos. No more images. No more porn. Please, man, you got to. You're driving yourself insane. It makes you hate yourself. I don't know what else to say.

Give it whatever scapegoat you want. You felt bad about something that happened at the gym or your life in general. But you are making the choice to reallow that fear into your life. And it needs to go away. So tomorrow the plan is to work all day instead of spending a bunch of time in the office. Then my girl will be here to take my time so I'm not focused on god damn porn.

How does that happen???? I'm so good for six fucking weeks, only a single relapse, and then over the course of 2 days the temptation just came back. I don't fucking get it. Now those images are fresh in my mind and I can't seem to find the mental energy to disprove them or to make them less scary. They literally haunt my fucking dreams. I hate it so goddamn much and no matter what it's been the toughest to shake.

I want out of this. I fucking want out of this. This god damn porn trap that I fall into. I need to do something about it. The videos are gone which is good but the old hated categories try to come. Back. I can get through this. But I need to journal and beat back all the incoming fears and images. Fuck them. There is someone out there with an agenda, I don't know what for, but they want me on it. Why would I drift into this shit even though it makes me feel this way otherwise?

I don't know why I hate myself sometimes. I make it seem as if I'm not doing what I actually want to do. I've felt like this for a long time. I don't want to be ruled by porn. So don't be. Don't be. Don't be. Porn does not control me. I won't let it. I'll go ahead and not look at any of it then. Not even what I want to see. That should be seen in real life. Which I need to get back to living.

 

Been better recently. Still relapsed this morning, fell off the crutch that was porn blockers. But overall not as bad or demeaning. I need to get those blockers reinstalled. My girlfriend came over for the weekend which really helped. It helps to have someone in person to hold you accountable and help you reach your goals. Overall going much better, I'm about to purchase those 2 books if they have them in ebooks and start reading. I need to work on my willpower, fortitude, whatever I want to call it. I've been giving myself reasons to quit rather than keep going recently and I need to stop. I'm not a victim. I'm strong enough to stand up and fight it. Thank you.

 

Relapsed this morning. Did it without opening my pants. I've had more willpower recently which has helped with a lot. I won't let this get me down. Been looking at porn on actual sites instead of video but still, needs to stop. Too many hot girls in the world, don't waste my time on the ones I can't touch. Been having issues with myself recently, I'm accepting what I am but it's hard and makes me swallow some pride.

I'm going to keep harnessing my willpower. I need to to avoid looking at porn instead of doing my homework. I know that it's bad, but that doesn't make the short term pleasure feel any less good. I don't know why I'm doing this sometimes. I want to quit watching porn in the hope that it will make me more confident and assertive in the real world. I want to quit it because I hear it waters down what you feel, how you feel, and how sex really feels.

But on the contrary, I feel as if my will and organization has drastically improved. Yeah, this is a setback, but I keep coming back to healthy places like this. I'm against porn and masturbation because I have a problem with it. I do it too much, and now I need to reboot.

I think I never took care of myself before because I never thought I mattered enough. But I do. This is my life, I matter. So simple things like getting a haircut or going after my goals don't need to make me feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for making this committment, be porn free until next Friday. Also, no masturbation. Only release through real sex. I'll record if I'm successful or not. But this time really does feel different. And I want to prove it.

 

Good shit. 6 days clean. No porn. No masturbation even. Orgasm only with my girlfriend. Incorporated working out and work and school. All good. It's not the activities that I do. It's what I choose to do every day when I get up. I pray god continues to give me the will to avoid porn. And masturbation. To the 21 day mark. Onward!

 

Day 7. Hard. So fucking hard. I was just watching a youtube video and I got really bad urges. I found myself masturbating as I woke up and ceased immediately once I realized it. I'm serious about this. It's ruining my life. I don't want it. My decisions are mine and mine alone. Not some propagandist. I don't care whether he's an agent of the CCP or Russian hackers trying to play off fears of xenophobic americans. Or some white supremacy group trying to get members, or black supremacy group trying to make whites subservient. I don't fucking care. I want to be free from the whole situation. And never look back.

Yesterday I just wanted to let the thoughts play out. And I did. It took 30 minutes to beat it back. But I did it. God, I feel so numb in the head even though I haven't done anything. Even though I'm completely alone. The thing keeping me going is the willpower I prayed to god to get right now. I'm going to try to focus on some calc, because it doesn't matter who is creating this propaganda. I just know my enemy is out there. And I'm going to avoid them, and eventually fight them. I need to fight back from within today. Because great empires, great people, are destroyed from within.

 

Thank fucking god. I almost made everything I had for nothing. Got pushed to the edge by clever youtube marketing but my brother called when I was infauated with it and now I'm free. One of the things that pushed me to it wass the thought that "I'd never get a girl that hot anyways. It's not worth the effort to stay porn free" fuck that. I'm worth a lot more than that I just need a shave and a haircut. I'm not ugly short or nothing. I can do this. I'm smart, strong, and driven. I can do this. Mia is on my side.

 

Going well ever since my brother called, got some work done and had an awesome conversation with a beautiful woman at the store. The benefits of nofap and not using porn aren't a joke...

 

Fuck. Didn't relapse, but tried very hard to. Couldn't find porn on snapchat. Thank god. This demon was ruling my mind. I pray to god that he gives me the will to continue on. I think the fact that I'm losing weight and getting skinnier was a trigger. I don't look like a motherfucking girl. I don't have wide hips and I got a masculine frame. I have a beard for god's sake. Shit's frustrating, like the hypnosis videos still have tremors inside my mind. I wonder why I let them.

I don't have to feel shame. I'm progressing away from the addiction. I don't need to feel fear. God has my back. I didn't watch any porn today. I didn't nut and avoided masturbating. I'm doing well. I pray that god gives me the will to avoid that shit completely for the rest of the day. I pray he gives me the will and strength to avoid it tomorrow and the next day. I refuse to go back. I am attractive enough to get a hella attractive girl, I got one. Now, and down the line. I'm focusing on my career, getting money, and going to the gym. I don't have to doubt myself. Because I am attractive as shit. Don't doubt yourself. There is nothing to doubt. Don't be ashamed, you stayed strong and didn't run to your computer to beat off. And don't get discouraged. Everyone buys new clothes and a lot of people don't know what they're doing just like you. You're doing great. You're doing great.

 

Fuck yeah. I turned that day around. Just jogged to the gym and it felt great. Did a leg day, didn't make myself feel shame or fear or anything. That place isn't a slaughterhouse, more of a brotherhood. I didn't feel anger or rage towards any of the guys bigger than me, and I didn't feel anger or rage toward any black dudes talking to white girls. I think that fear stemmed from the porn, that I wouldn't ever get to fuck a white girl or something. Dumb shit you only believe when you're deep in the addiction. But what matters is I didn't feel those things, and I know it's because I avoided porn. I focused really well all day. This time is different. This time is different. I'm praying to god up above to give me the will to avoid porn and masturbation and stay on my purpose.

My purpose right now is to cut. I've always been interested in bodybuilding, but only gave it halfhearted efforts on the weights. I'm committing myself fully to cutting, and am still deciding whether I want to run an endurance based program where I distance run during it, or keep my strength/hypertrophy and focus on fast sprints up to mid distance. I love lifting weights and track, and recently the yoga I've been doing has made me more flexible. I hope that this can turn my life around, because looking at things without fear and shame clouding my view is fucking awesome. I love life.

My other purpose is to keep studying hard. Kept a 4.0 GPA in college, and I'm going to apply to UNL and CAL Tech. I want to apply for grants and scholarships, and if I can double or triple major. I feel like I have superpowers. I want to prove to myself that I can. My plan is to finish my homework tomorrow, pay metro tonight, finish my physics exam, and research sprint workouts tonight. That way, my weekend is open to do scholarship research for CAL Tech, UNL, and MIT. I want to be an engineer, and I want to be able to work on massive urban infrastructure projects. But I'm conflicted, because I love machines and how they work, and being an industrial engineer or aerospace engineer is enticing because of the massive machines you'd get to design and work on. I'm also afraid that if I go the civil route, I'll get stuck doing geotechnical stuff like soil analysis and shit I don't want to do. I don't need to know that yet, right now I need to finish my moving bullshit so I can get working on the REAL shit I want to get in to.

 

Going strong in the porn department. Masturbation, haven't orgasmed through it, but can't help but getting erections when getting aroused. Avoiding sexual thoughts however. Life is hitting like a truck. I get to learn to take care of myself fully because now I finally have an internet bill, so the only thing I've yet to do is put a roof over my own head. I got this though. I can get it done one top of school. I'm damn smart enough, and if I want to get into Cal Tech or MIT I better start showing it.

 

Finished two history papers and a quiz. No idea if it's all this extra testosterone but I feel incredibly motivated to stay at the top of my class. It was less difficult today. I had a few tremors early in the day but overall the temptation is minimal. It's crazy how bad porn fucks up your mind. Just hearing the words related to sexual contact or reading them are a trigger. I used to get triggered reading my history book with tales of dominating other nations. Freaky right?

If I stay on top of things we will make it through this. We can finish the Math and Physics workload tomorrow if we really put effort into learning tonight. I think that will require me to go on a jog to clear my mind real quick. Nothing crazy, just a mile. I'm proud of myself. Where I would have felt utterly ashamed for not benching 225 lbs during a cut, I made a point to be okay with it and know I'll build the strength back. It was a bad day. I'm not terrible at weights. I'm still a skinny beginner. It will come. Yet I'm proud that the shame didn't turn me back to porn. I'm done with shame and working on fear. I will be done with it in 8 weeks. Overall awesome day! FUCK PORN!!!

 

Finished math and physics. Just had a freight train of a weekend. Saturday was good, Sunday was a lot of work. Masturbated in the shower Saturday and today. I don't count it as a porn relapse, I wasn't in front of a screen , and it was just to my imagination of some chick I saw on snapchat. I still shouldn't waste my time doing it.

I got really stressed and thrown off without access to the internet. Didn't track my macros and just got back to the gym today. We're getting close to the deadline of selling this house... Hit like a truck yesterday. Still have quite a bit to do. Oddly, not feeling numb or anything today, I think because that's because I haven't relapsed to standard porn on the internet.

I'm gonna just block those accounts on snap, it's a waste of time and just too much temptation. I think the temptation will die down quite a bit when I have a job. It's getting closer and closer to that time. Finally. Thank god. I'm grateful for the struggle today. I've been staying away from porn even if I've been having trouble with my anger issues. I'm getting back on track with working out. And these masturbation relapses will go away. I know it. I can feel it. I still need to will it, but I don't want to go back to how I was. I believe it.