25 day status update

Alright, here is an update, about a month later. I have fallen on the porn thing, but my mental health has been looking better in general this month. Sometimes I put way too much of my self-esteem in whether I talk to a pretty woman or not. It helps, but it's not the whole story. So today I am going to update and do a mini self-esteem boost.

I think, a lot. But this week I did something rather than just think about it. I founded my first LLC with a friend, and we have many of the first few things taken care of. On top of that, I am 90% caught up on school and am keeping up. Not to say that I received my best grades, but I have already adapted! With skipping the introductory classes? Yes, with that. Things are looking wonderful.

I have gotten back into working, academics, and running and lifting. For a while, I felt like I didn't want to do anything, but now, I enjoy these things again. I have a girlfriend who treats me quite well and reminds me that my wants and desires are valid. Without me even asking her. She's wonderful.

I realize I have the power to pursue whatever I put my mind to. I am the only one who stands in my own way. Whether it is for better, with academic or athletic discipline, frugality, or for worse, with refraining from being myself or trying to hard to impress people, I have full control. I control how I react to all situations, where I live, what I do everyday, my habits, my routines. I am able to be who I want to be.
Who I am != who I want to be

I get closer everyday, but this week I have but just reclaimed who I was before the mental abuse of my Ex. I seek not sympathy or pity, but resolve and motivation. I seek to attack the rest of today harder than I ever have. Well, that's all the time I have blocked for this, but it has been good. I love you guys.

 

So strange. I have eliminated much of the intense jealousy, contempt, hatred, yet insecurity still remains. Insecurity that stems from my own L's, not others' W's. I am sitting here analyzing myself, hoping, praying that this doesn't lead to a relapse. Here goes nothing.

I am with a girl, let's call her a fake name. Annie. She's funny and social but I don't feel all that understood. She seems loyal but her being a stripper and all makes me uncomfortable. She does a lot of drugs, which also makes me uncomfortable. But she's always there for me, offers me money for rent, respects my opinions and who I am, etc. etc. I am somewhat happy in a relationship with her, but can't help but feel I don't see myself with her for the rest of my life.

I have contact with another girl, let's call her... Marsha. She's in my French class and she's so fucking smart. She always has the answers and I find myself pushed to be better because I see how well she does. Sidenote- I eliminated doing homework and other academics for being a porn trigger, it is NOT feminine to do schoolwork. The idiot that told me that is doing the hypermasculine job of smoking weed and flipping burgers. Anyways, I see the raw intelligence, her beauty, her smile, her friendliness, Christian values, and her supposed innocence, and I'm hooked. Call me stupid. Call me romantic. But she just feels right. A part of me hopes she feels the same about me. I noticed that she was in all these fan communities and I couldn't help but feel a pang of happiness, remembering my time being a fanboy with other dumb kids on the internet. Everything about her warms my heart. Safe to say I have a crush.

But this time, I want things to continue to be different. When I don't have a rockstar, she's bent over the bed already, interaction with her, I don't want to feel down on myself. That's a waste of time in my limited life. All I can do is work on myself, my academics, my looks, my athletics, my finances, my business, and hope that the stars are in alignment and I get a conversation alone with her. I really do think I am more than attractive enough, and rejection wouldn't hurt too much. I partnered with her for the last group project available. But I am so fucking excited when I see her that I'm worried - I don't want to play the fool.

Maybe I'm reading into this way too much. Maybe there's something simple that I am missing. Maybe it just means sticking around near her after class to communicate my interest in her rather than running out the door. I think you've got it right there. Make sure you groom yourself first!

Now this is hard. But you can change your reactions consciously. You just need to be aware of them. You are not pathetic. You are not a loser. You are playing it cool. But you will not do that forever. You will go for her before your feelings for her fade. And, in she rejects you, so be it. She'll probably use some euphemism if you do anyways, and you can just pick yourself back up and live the l life you were living. This is what I needed. A little excitement to take away from the pointless feeling of it all.

Another thing weighing on me: sometimes I feel as if I don't fully belong in college. There are so many intelligent people here, and I feel small when I'm in the room with them. There are so many athletic people here, and I feel small when I'm in the room with them. I enjoyed the room where there was no competition. Now I'm not king of the world anymore. I don't know everything. I don't have all the answers. Everything is so... real. So... complex. But so... competitive. So... time-dense. Everything is all crammed into one time-frame, and there's no room for living a balanced life.

But here's my dilemma. I know without external structure I will lose the incentive to be social. I will lose the incentive to read and achieve any academic research. I will recede to a shell of who I can be. I'm just uncomfortable is all. I don't quite understand this world that I am in. I don't know how to adapt to be on top just yet. Maybe I should break it down.
1) Be social: With classes this dense, you need to plan group sessions to get through the material. Don't get me wrong, you need to look at it yourself prior, but it helps to have a second set of eyes on any problem.
2) Be confident: Even in failure you need to keep your head up. "Every failure leads you one step closer to success" feels like total bullshit when you're failing, but if you give up, you will NEVER be successful.
3) Be persistent: Keep trying! Yesterday was never good enough if you squander today.
4) Be reasonable: You're not going to write a book in a day, nor should you be disappointed if you don't demolish everything every single day. However, you need to actually give things a shot, every time.
5) Give it your all: Every minute of every day. A life where you never truly lived isn't a life at all. It's a waste. If you want to go on a plane to France, you can do it. If you want to drive to Mexico, you can. YOU hold all the keys to power. If you want to grow your company, DO IT. Just stop thinking, and start doing.

And that starts with... Marsha. Aller a la table francaise, et parler avec elle.
Then have your company meeting. Get started on the project and get your supplies.
Then, do your job.
Then, conclude your business venture. Study physics until you need to go to sleep. You hold the keys to power, to organization, optimization, and what you want to do in your life. This can be another failing point, or a turning point for the better.

I choose turning point.

 

Today was great. Meeting with the financial advisor, business meeting, and got the extension on the quizzes. Upper level classes are difficult and need more respect than I give them. I need to put more time into school, and that is just a fact. I have been taking on so many personal ventures that are long overdue, so I don't blame myself. But, get out of this hole you have dug!! Exam 1 is in TWO days. This can make or break your grade for EMO.

Still clean. Fingers crossed. It's been like two and a half days, so get ready for the focused, three and a half day tremors. You just have to stay strong, focused on yourself and the real world with real girls. You can achieve a lot.

Opting for that CD was the best choice with your goals. Don't play into the unwise advice that you have to only be growth oriented. That money would have just been sitting in my savings account, so I don't feel unwise for not making a 30 hour research proposal.

Instead, I feel proud because I have done more in these past few months to get my life on track than I ever did when I was with my ex-girlfriend. My life, my story, it belongs to me. Not her. Not porn. Not fighting porn. Me.

So today, I am going to do some homework without stressing about it too much. I am going to study after I do part two of the job tonight. I've developed a decent pilot date for when I buy my first house, and how I am going to take my current illegal income and make it legal. Also, I have built up a circle of friends which I was SEVERELY lacking last year.

So... I don't need to ramble on past what is necessary to get my thoughts out for today... but....
I am so proud of myself.
I am so grateful for the people who got me here.
I am so happy I live in a world that doesn't hate me.
I am going to avoid external fear and shame.
I am going to act like people are friends until shown otherwise, rather than the inverse.

I did well going to the table yesterday. Granted Marsha wasn't there, but still. You're doing great E.

You have been watching too much breaking bad. LUCKILY, you're on the last season. After that you need a couple weeks of a school grind to get those semester projects done or chuggin along, and boom, you're ahead of the curve in every aspect.

I was having a thought earlier today about having lost my edge strength/bodybuilding wise. And I am okay with that. Before I was built up on being better than other people, and it gave me an ego. It was great to be strong, but for the wrong reasons. Now, I want to continue to reindulge, but I want it to continue to be because I enjoy doing it. Find people to do it with. No more immaturity.

The real world is tough sometimes, you always have to work. No one is there to do things for you without an incentive, but if you play your cards right, you can end up happy. I will list some things that puzzle me to help me work through them, but after that I have to go.

1) Girls man. You have to be honest but not too honest, open but not too open, friendly but not too friendly, strong but not too strong, impulsive but not too impulsive, nice but not too nice. I am a man of extremes. What the fuck is this shit.
2) Physics. How the fuck did I get a 50 on my last quiz. I have been avoiding that shit ever since. I need to stop doing that, it cannot go on this way.
3) Getting clients. Posters? Online ads? Networking? All of the above? Ugh I will have to talk to people...

 

This is hard. At the library right now, why does every chick look like a 10? Probably because I am really horny and I am studying instead. I need to work on my study date game!! That could make my motivations to study waaaaaaaayyyyyy better! Seriously though, work on it.

I'm not procrastinating particularly, I'm trying something new. Get my thoughts out immediately when I feel a problem. Maybe all that time I felt pathetic and weak because I knew I could be socializing much more. Maybe that has been my problem my whole life. I am so good at doing things alone with people, but in groups I become a coward. I don't know where, I don't know why, I don't know how. It's just something I need to work on.

More than that, I do enjoy doing this work. It's going well, I really can't complain. There is no reason to stress, it's a simple concept really even if you have multiple pages. My goal is to finish the content by 10, and examples by 10:30. That will leave time enough for the quizzes, and beginning the sheet.

 

Doing better. Today is Wednesday, the test is Thursday. Only behind one assignment for my classes. Just studied about an hour with some friends. That was productive.

Dealing with some self image/esteem issues. I don't feel fucked up in sharing that here because no one reads this shit. This is TO make me tougher, stronger, not need anyone or anything. Anyways, let's build myself up, because I am so good at dragging myself down.

I am good enough. I'm not the exact shape I want, being a beefcake doesn't come in a day. I hit the weights this morning and I've ate a few full meals, so it's important to stay realistic. Working SMART will get me where I need to go, not some antiquitated hood ass 19th century bullshit.

I am strong. No fucking doubt. I, however, am not aesthetic. It takes a special man to do what needs to be done rather than what sounds nice. I was that man for so long, but abandoned it, upon feeling abandoned myself. I see know, that the bullshit is nearly waded through, and if I just adopt some healthier habits, I can be much happier.

I lifted today in the AM, before I did anything else. Traffic was abyssmal, but what can you expect. Right now, I'm supposed to be studying, but need my thoughts out as I hit a wall where my equations don't line up.

Part of me wants to just leave it all and dive headfirst into my book content. No deadlines, no bullshit. Just the science. How it used to feel.

The bad part is all the busywork, not the actual classes I'm interested in. I enjoy doing physics problems, I don't enjoy getting 50% on my homework grades. It makes me feel small, unworthy, like I should just give up. So does the impending amount of busywork I feel on my shoulders and the cold judgement from my language class. Marsha got away from me today. Waited for her cause we were the only few in class, but she still had a bagillion questions so I bounced. It will happen, but you don't want to force it. I get it. But don't avoid it. Don't run out the door. LET the opportunity come to you, and SEIZE IT, JUST LIKE YOU SEIZED THIS ONE.

I finished my show. I don't have hardly any distractions anymore.

I feel ashamed of my clothes sometimes. I have been wearing a lot of the same clothes for a long time, and I just feel childish. Half of them I didn't even buy, they were gifts, for someone elses' image of me. Grandma, mother, father, it don't matter. I don't want to live in this cage. I want to liberate myself from my self-imposed isolation, self-imposed hatred.

It's strange. I go numb when I indulge in PMS. I slowly became everything I hated, and I am realizing who I am. I have been for a long while, but it has.... accelerated. The man that I once feared is no more, there is no point in living in fear of him. I need not live in fear of anyone. The phrase 'You cannot kill what you did not create' is TOTAL BULLSHIT. I didn't create this hatred within me, I didn't create the fears it stemmed from. He did. With the touting my inadequacies in front of me, pointing to others who were better. He did, and so did my so called friends. Cold world. Don't care.

I am going to be exactly who I want to be. No porn and masturbation as a crutch. I am going to be hypergamous. But also find a relationship which suits me. Sounds conflicting? Here me out:
For a long time I have held on to this hatred against women, essentially due to the inadequacies I might feel when I see her smile or praise someone else. I always wondered 'Why would you do that, don't you realize how that makes me feel?' Then I realized, that's how they play the game. Keep their options open. Make them feel good emotionally from that gratification they receive in being worthy of a flirtacious conversation. And instead of hating the game I want to be the player. I can't just do nothing however. That has been my problem for far too long. I have essentially spent years doing... nothing. Working for the man, not even enjoying it, living in a loop of delayed gratification with no end in sight. No longer. I want to play the game, enjoy life, feel enough, feel like a fucking man! Fuck yeah! No more fear, no more relying off others to initiate. I want to be the man. Cool, confident, charismatic. I won't necessarily expect to take every girl I talk to to bed, no, I will just get gratification through the friendships I make and the experiences I gain. I want a rich, meaningful life, not to be some sad sack of shit.

Self- Analysis:
Right now you have:
Pros:
1) Discipline and Resolve.
2) Ability to carry a conversation.
3) True friends.
4) An enjoyment of running and lifting.
5) An awesome doggo.
6) Self-forgiveness.
7) Self-acceptance.
8) Financial plan.
9) 2 cars beotch.
10) Own apartment.
11) True independence.
12) A whole lot of dreams and desires.
What you need:
1) Courage.
2) Openers.
3) Better ability to read people.
4) A social network (physical as well as virtual).
5) Live less hatefully, and more happily.
6) Stop looking over your shoulder everywhere you go.
7) Less extremes. Actually no fuck that. That is a core pillar of who I am. Mark my words, the day I stop mentioning extremes or going to them is the day I fucking die. I need MORE EXTREMES GOD DAMMIT.
8) Friendly violation of boundaries.
9) More generosity.
10) More social outings, for school and for the weekends. Try hanging with some new people!
11) Ability to let go and joke around more easily.
12) Less barriers.
13) Organization. Never before did I think that would make the list. But it's so useful. And it doesn't make you a bitch for doing so. Don't listen to a slob, a well kept man is an attractive man. And it is up to YOU to decide how you want it.

I have not really thought about using today. The day three tremors were practically non-existent. Maybe that's because I've been through this so many times. Who knows, they'll come around maybe day four, maybe day six. Maybe when I don't have sufficient dopamine stimulus from a show I like or chipotle. I swear to god I am going to hack my brain if I have to to be happy. All these problems I see? Good. I see it as an opportunity to bust ass and work on myself. I see it as an extension of myself. I really do feel like I am coming into my own. My first job that is all ours will be done tomorrow. Not tomorrow, but phase 2 starts tomorrow. I'm really proud of it, even if it is just a wall.

My heart is brimming with joy right now. I don't even feel like using. I have more to lose than to gain from doing so. I pray that one day, hopefully Saturday, I can get to a point where I have all my homework done, prep work done, job work done, so I can just go outside all day. Like the good old days. Just walk, and walk, and walk. Find yourself, get lost. Call up some friends at the start of the day. Adventure, that's what I dream of. Everytime I dream of being a famous physicist or engineer, I see it as an adventure. One where I may get lost along the way. That's the truth of the matter, I am lost. But I have such a sense of knowing who I am that I know I will get to my destination, whatever it takes. Maybe I just need to put it all together. Maybe I just need some organization. Maybe it is all in there and YOU have been stopping me. The same ME that held me back for so long. Maybe I need to run away from YOU and just do it. Do what makes me happy, how it makes me happy.

So, I've nearly drained my ego of thoughts, yet feel the need to keep the tap on. So, it will keep flowing. There is nothing more exciting to me than the prospect of feeling truly alive. It fills me with passion. I think we need to do an exercise about finding what fills me with passion. But not before a quick sidenote- this is the energy I need to bring everywhere I go. I am a creature of habit, so make the habit draining all my negative energy into the internet, this chat room; so I may emerge happy and passionate. Let's do a quick exercise:
What fills you with passion in your daily life?
I feel most alive when I am with people. Engaged in a friendly competition with laughing, joking, talking friendly shit, and when progress is being made, or at least swung for. The truth is, I need people. I wanted to do it all on my own because the people I grew up with failed me in certain regards. I lost trust in them because I was so angry, blamed them for losing my way. And to a certain extent, I was correct. It is my mother and father who held me back, stopped me with their concerns. Didn't push me to go for anything, guilted me, and subjected me to domestic violence and living in fear. It was also them who gave me the life I have, which I am grateful for. But the moral of the story is, as you grow up, you move on, you develop similar interests with similar people. You don't stay the same person for just one day, so you might as well continue on with figuring out who it is that you click with. You should engage them, befriend them, enjoy the time you have together and develop a real friendship. Otherwise, you fall into the real of deprivation. No longer . I have it figured out.

I am going to go now. I don't really feel like completing any more of this, and I don't want it to become a chore. But I have found myself a little bit today, and I am so grateful for this site. May someone stumble upon this one day and know that it truly does get better.

 

Oh my god. It's been so long since I started this. It is getting close to two years! Since then:
-I have lost the constant craving to fuck every girl I see, unless she's hot. And also, to many young Fapstronauts, they get excited and get things confused. It's not wrong to feel attracted to a girl and becomes horny, but seriously, the real problem lies in you running to your room to masturbate instead of just flirting- or at least attempting- with her. You're just living a lie that way.
- I don't have this insane inferiority complex to every man I see. I don't feel like everything is making me a sissy, and I don't grapple with intense self-hatred anymore.
- I think about other things besides porn or the lack thereof.
- I can go 5-10 days without porn without really thinking about it. Porn usage is linked to my overall mental health. This year, I had a full 3.5 weeks clean.
- I have stopped doing it for someone else, and started doing it for myself.
-I have my mental health put first rather than ideals inherited from someone else.
- I have less documented progress and conscious thought about it, and I am doing better on it.
- I don't sit there and fear women like I used to. I don't think of women as being in this united front to cheat on and cuck me.
The game changes. It stops being a fight against porn, and starts being a fight against being a pussy. What I mean by that is that it becomes a fight everyday to be who you want to be, creating an argument for how you carry yourself, define yourself, and what you do with the gift of life. Call me a philosopher. It becomes a call to change other things that you just couldn't see before, because you were an addict. It becomes a fight to grow up, and be a man. And being a man doesn't mean living without emotion, no, being a man means you unlock your true potential, and your true passions.

 

I swear to god, I have a sixth sense. I just got some dinner at Chipotle before heading home, and I noticed that there was some chick in the window. This isn't going where you think it is. I remembered that I had said I was going to be more sociable, so I did so. But she was looking at the table and her coworker and having a conversation, everywhere except the customer right in front of her. Some dude popped in to take my order, but I must've given her some sort of look, because when I got down the line, she gave me a really weird look. She jumped on the cash register instead of the dude I was helping, so I couldn't give him a $50 tip like I had planned to... She had this look though. It's hard to describe, like she had a pole up her ass or she was being held prisoner or something. Just wide eyed, prolonged eye contact for too long, but no smile to indicate she was into me or anything. I know she knew all the symbols, because I watched her ring up the bowls in front of me without asking what they were. But she took my bowl and rang it up as a chicken bowl, and when I said "No, Guajillo," she gave me the look again. Creeped me out. No idea what that was about, I just ended the conversation about the meal as quick as possible. For some reason she kept trying to make it cheaper.

I ate my meal and it was good, Chipotle always is, and I kept looking up to wait for her to go away so I could give the guy a tip. But I got this feeling I was being watched, and everytime I looked back she did that thing. You know, where the person looks away right as you look at them. I swear to god, I have a sixth sense. I decided to test it, so I finished my meal, got up, and put all my napkins in the bag. I then took out my wad of fives, walked out of sight of her, and threw them on the floor in a dark corner. I chucked my trash in the garbage can, and left. I hopped in my car in about the 3rd row back, and grabbed my binoculars. Sure enough, she walked over and picked up all the money. Weird fucking experience. Weird people. Bounced after that.

 

Alright. Daily update. Still going strong, so far. Lifted today as well. I have a job to do tonight. Things look good to me.
I did terrible on my test, but so did everyone else. I am not alone in feeling as if the class was poorly taught.
I found myself horny in the morning, but pretty solidly in control after that. The moment I saw porn, I Xed out of it. Going to continue to avoid all exposure, especially touching myself to what I see on a screen. It's ridiculous, I'm 21. I should be gettin' a whole lot more in real life.

Did well on saying hi to people, especially newer people. Said hi to... Sawok and... Dallas today. I have quite a few male friends at uni, I just never see the ladies I know. Or, I never see them in the right context where I can just say hi, alone. I need to keep working on my courage in groups of people walking and just talking to a whole group of girls. I'm sure you'll pick up friends, flirtacious behaviors, and partners exponentially after that. Sigma -> Alpha.

Going to the gym took discipline, but I have it. I had the resolve to see myself through it, and walk around today with my head held high. I might fail a class, I might get kicked out of UNI or leave myself, but that's okay. I am to blame, and I don't feel bad. That would be a setback, not a total failure. It helps to remember, I am studying 1 of 2 of the hardest majors at my school. And, at that, I am just a normal man, with abnormal commitment.

Trying something new:
Rose of the day: Dallas knew my name, regardless of us being formally introduced.
Thorn of the day: That damn physics test, the pillbox.

Journey for the truth:
Today, September 29, 2022, I learned something from... Jim. I learned that being intelligent doesn't insinuate social retardation, in fact the opposite. A truly intelligent person has the ability to know how to talk to different kinds of people, and will show different sides of themselves in doing so.

I am going to do this tomorrow: Keep looking for and taking social opportunities while focusing on learning and implementing better study and life techniques. Specifically, I would like to tell a crazy story from the past to... Amelia or... Marsha. Best of luck,
E

 

Oh man. I feel ashamed. I fell off, and very hard. 4 times in 1 day, then once, then twice.
It is not the end of the world, but it needs to end. It's pointless, and the mental torture of being free and needing to fill your time is necessary. I think that's the true reason for it.

You feel ashamed for deciding to drop that class. And it is okay. You are making a rational decision and suppressing your emotions. You feel as if everyone will view you as a quitter for it, as some have suggested. You care too much about what other people think. Sometimes, you just need to do.

So turn in the form and end this little hiccup. I'm not going to lie, I know that this is exactly what that is about. The rejection from Marsha didn't hurt that much anyways. In fact, it put us on the fast-track and accelerated our learning. Wait for them to come to you, you haven't had good luck pursuing them. They tend to say no, or not be interested.

Forget that it happened. Don't think of it as a streak. It's a hiccup. Once you realize that you have come so far mentally in the past few weeks you will realize that this can't bring you down. You have resolve. You have discipline. Use it.

Anyways, the reason we're here:

I have come to realize that recently it seems like I have too much time, not enough to do. I squeezed in the gym in the AM and went to my class today, but I need to commit myself to complete the non-pressing academics. I also need to keep working on the business at the pace I'm working right now, as well as research the expansion and personal ventures. It feels so strange to have free time again and not being able to drown it in the waste of video games.

That's it!! that's part of what feels weird now too!! I'm not wasting my time with games so fighting porn and masturbation has been that much harder!!!

I am so proud of myself too because I can use this to identify triggers. Today: free time, feeling like I don't deserve to be at the point I'm at. Feeling like I must've done something wrong, and I have to break the streak because of it. I.e. I don't deserve it.
Let me stop this self-loathing internal bullshit right now. Because I do deserve it. I deserve every single one of my inner desires with no guilt attached. I deserve to feel like a man. Like a king. And my dreams, my financial plan, is not immoral. I am the ONLY ONE who can make that judgement call, not.... Hector or.... Cyrus. Don't let them stop you from achieving success. It's not exploitation to hire other people, that is a remnant from wanting to do everything yourself. Some people just want to work, not everyone has the ambition to learn everything and want to be in control of everything. A lot of people just want to be comfortable, and you will do that to the best of your abilities with each person you employ, so stop sulking. You're better than that, you're a kind generous person who just wants to better other peoples' lives. Nothing wrong with that! I deserve the financial freedom, and the free time that comes with it. I deserve to develop my interests and hobbies in that free time. I deserve to meet girls and friends in that free time that I like and have common interests with. I deserve to have friends, be happy, chase dreams, and build an empire. I deserve it all. You've done NOTHING WRONG. You have done things RIGHT, with no one here to guide you. So, you should take immense pride, and walk around with your chest swelled up!!!!
Yesterday: 1 relapse. Giving myself a lot of shit for stumbling and falling Sunday. Not cool. You're the only one who picks yourself back up, so stop throwing yourself down. Also feeling bad about the business being cracked up to be all that, but most people expect a profit when they hear about it. No one understands it, because they're all idiots. We're getting there though, and I don't care what ANYONE thinks. I am my own hardest critic, but I am also my best supporter. We will turn a profit. We're doing EVERYTHING RIGHT!!!!
Sunday: 4 relapses. God damn. This is the big one. The stupid instagram conversation with your ex... no wonder you avoided social media for so long. Basically I asked her to delete or give me the password to an account for my dog, and crazily enough she REFUSED. Told her I hoped she was doing okay in her classes and it must've sounded sarcastic regardless of my intention. Thus, she said she's doing SO MUCH better. And just emphasizing that her life was better without me. Regardless of my external projection. That really fucking hurt. I don't even feel bad on a masculine basis or an egotistical one, just on a human level that hurt. I don't know what demon she has painted me to be in her head, but she's become it, whatever it is. No more mercy, no more inhibitions. You got up at 6 am and worked out today. Life is back on track. I would say it changes now, but it already changed about 45 minutes ago. When you said you would forever view yourself as a king, not a loser. She will have to see the same, whether she likes it or not. Her opinion, is absolute horse shit to me. I don't give a FUCK about her now or ever again. The last string of good will for her has been cut. She is a lying, scheming, cheating, egotistical, narcissistic, fat, shallow, ugly, fake, deceptive, gold digger, bitch ass whore who I am not just indifferent to, I will discriminate against her, I will always choose to screw her over if I have the chance. I do not give any fucks about her anymore. I hope she sees how her attitude tastes. But I will never gratify her with any attention, ever again. That was dramatic, but it got the point across. Or the anger out. What I actually mean is that I will refuse to acknowledge her when she's being a bitch. If she needs something from me, I will make it as difficult as when I, her. And, when she sees my success, I want to leave a sour taste in her mouth. And I'm going to make her see it.
Saturday: I don't know what happened. Just being along and being afraid of change I guess. Not getting out of bed early enough and feeling bad for it. Maybe getting into a routine of making breakfast will help!

Maybe this is the answer. I feel so much more at peace after I made peace with all of the above grievances. I will no longer let them harm me. Now that the past harm has been undone, we can move forward!!

SO if we are in the same spot as when we were killing it and doing everything right, what can we do with our free time to become the best version of ourself?

Firstly: avoid YouTube videos. There is a lot of clickbait on there and you end up wasting too much time on it when you don't go in with purpose and resolve.
Secondly: Crack open a book or get in the habit of watching a watch later video. It will be a better use of time.
Thirdly: Get used to studying out of books, teaching yourself on your own. Especially if we bail on school.
Fourthly: Get back into another hobby. Winter is still aways away for snowboarding!
Fifthly: You're doing great considering your circumstances without anyone productive to look up to.
Sixthly: Realistically, you'll be studying, writing papers, or prepping for your next assignment in the coming time. So, get the reaction papers and your semester research project in motion!!
Seventhly: God PNC is great, but the biochemical crash before the test pill kick in is horrible. My brain is so fuzzy, but I did it to myself!
Eighthly: Just go for a walk. It's at least better than some things, you know what!
Ninthly: You have your guitar in your room, you could always try and fix the speaker and play a chord.
Tenthly: You have a punching bag, you could also commit yourself to that boxing gym.
Eleventhly: Your gym has a pool.
Twelfthly: You have a skateboard too, you know.
Thirteenthly: If you're feeling business savy, you could take some of your coding ideas and make them a reality, to create a freelance coding company portfolio.
Fourteenthly: No one would blame you for planting trees.
Fifteenthly: Market research and focused research could bring you a lot of money.
Sixteenthly: Fine-tuning your information gathering resources would be beneficial for reducing wasted time in the future.
Seventeenthly: Downtown is full of a lot of hot girls.
Eighteenthly: You could learn a foreign language YOURSELF.
Nineteenthly: You could do some nutrition research.
Twentiethly: You have always wanted to make beats and do rap track covers.
Twentifirstly: You car could still use some work.
Twentisecondly: Runs are always fun.
Twentithirdly: It's always fun to go to another city and pretend to be someone completely different.
Twentifourthly: Brewing different chemicals at home could be A LOT of fun.
Twentififthly: There is that climbing gym you could go to.
Twentisixthly: You could get more into acrobatics you know.
Twentiseventhly: Graffiti art is something you've always enjoyed.
Twentieighthly: Cutting your own hair would be a wise investment.
Twentininethly: You haven't built that mug rack.
Thirtiethly: You could look into building structures for money!!

Wow! That was a lot. I feel like that got the raw desire to have an idea down on paper, or a screen I guess. Transcribing thoughts into words is very necessary for me to do things effectively. Now, what to do next? A lot of my burning emotions have been released, now it is the anxiety of the impending deadline for physics and computer science. You have to step it up if you want a good grade! Especially because you know how it goes! This is the toughest of all the majors at your school, and one of the toughest classes. Don't be caught of guard if you were blindsided. YOU have to change how you study. And that starts right now.
I'm going to have you take notes over the section and upload them the normal way. Then, we are going to start each homework problem. With that said and done, we are going to stop them all and begin creating an equation sheet, in the format of a table. With that, we will end up filling it in with all the equations from the chapter.
Wow, a step-by-step tutorial? Genius. Without further a-do, let's get down to it!

 

Alright. Missed writing wednesday, but I stayed productive and didn't stray but only a little. No MO however. I am proud of myself for turning around so quickly and sharply what looked to be a disaster.
I still haven't dropped that class. This is not one of my better performances :/. Luckily, only a few people will be judging me for it.
I've felt more like myself recently. More able to open up, joke around, talk about who I want to be. I think I'm making a great choice by opting for only Science courses. Literature is so boring to me. I think I'm making the right choice by not dropping out right now, and just dialing back the involvement in academics. I am doing great, and if the business grows to a point where I need to, I definitely can. But having school to fall back on isn't a bad idea, considering we haven't received any calls yet.
The online ads are shitty, but up. The posters are wonderful, but we need to find places to put them.

I feel as if my horrible worldview is disappearing. Evaporating. Gone as mysteriously as it came. God, the psyche is such a strange thing. Just a year ago, I thought I would never escape my porn and masturbation OBSESSION. ADDICTION. It was just so controlling. Everything was a trigger. Now, I feel great without it, and I associate it with giving me a bad time 7 times out of 10.

Been so productive for school. I am so fucking proud of myself no matter what anyone thinks. I didn't even take 2 quizzes as a precursor to a test, and I got a 59, the same as the smart chick in the class. And, I talked to her, fuck yeah!

I am so much closer to being socially dynamic again than I was a week ago. Just taking today to look at my progress and celebrate mentally. Tell myself that I am doing phenomenal, and that there isn't a reason to worry. I ALWAYS have my own back, and now I'm learning out of love for the material rather than fear of deadlines and failure. It seems strange, but changing the intentions behind your actions actually helps make life more worth living. I know all the countries in the world because I love learning about it, not because I was afraid I wouldn't get the answers right on a test!

I didn't get a whole lotta free time yesterday. I was busy doing Physics for 5 hours then company shit for 6 hours. I put in a whole ass day, and I lifted too! So much more can be done when you're not depressed and not using porn. So much more.

You know, you don't need to feel guilty for dropping that class. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You're not interested. You feel your time is better spent elsewhere, and that is true. You're doing the best thing for yourself, your grades, your happiness, your masculinity, your self-respect. The time is not always right for some things. And maybe, it just wasn't meant to be. So let go. Let go of the fear of not being great because you will be great. You are already on track with the way you are looking at life. You have been practicing greatness more in these past couple weeks than you did in most of your time taking it. It's not being disrespectful to the professor, like... O'Malley said, your professor doesn't fucking care. And you know what, I don't either.

I don't feel as if I'm ready to do some homework, but I'm not quite ready to leave this space. Dreaming about the business being successful makes me happy because it gives me the financial power I never had before. I always did like working, but I always knew I was sort of getting screwed. I never truly applied myself anywhere other than Toyota. And I quickly became one of the better young techs, from nothing to start with.

Dude, I feel so fucking masculine. I usually feel so afraid of what other people think about me. But now I just feel secure. After feeling so insecure for so long, this is fucking awesome. I feel safe, self-assured, able to start and maintain conversations, powerful, smart, and able to lead. This is the missing piece. Now I can finally chase my dreams.

Now I know how to tell when I want to do something, and when I don't want to. It's whether I feel alive doing it or not. When I feel dead doing it: smoking weed, watching porn, it's really not worth my time. But if I romanticize it and it feels great: running, lifting, conversations, working, it is probably worth it. I am so happy right now, life has so much more upward mobility. Even if I completely fail, have to drop out of uni, and see my friends go on to be super successful, I know I tried. And I will try again. Money doesn't make me. School doesn't make me. Knowledge doesn't make me. It's my attitude and my charisma, which affects my feelings towards my actions, and my intention actions make who I am. There was a spark with that single text about making money, and it has lit a fire which is consuming my soul.

I am so close to doing what I want to be doing. Making money, but also enjoying free time with hobbies instead of just school and working for the man. It's also strange, I don't find myself so distracted by what everyone else is doing. It's what I'm doing that matters. My life is MINE, and I want to have people to complement what I'M doing. I am the captain, I am subservient to no one.

I've been breaking the ideas of "Toxic Masculinity" and other liberal b.s. I learned growing up. If you disagree, whatever, but they've only destroyed my life. I need not feel bad for winning at something, my opponent is likely a sore loser. I need not feel bad for saying what everyone else is afraid to, that takes courage. And I need not feel bad for making a girl uncomfortable for asking her out, how else was I supposed to get an answer. I'd rather be an asshole than a pussy.

Alright. I think I've said all I really need to say. This was so productive. Peace.

 

Took a deep, hard look at things. Managed to pull myself up from where I had been. Now, instead of embracing weakness and inaction, I am still rolling, still moving, still making progress towards being the man I want to be. There isn't a good way to put this, but I fell hard and I didn't know how to get back up. I rearranged everything in my apartment to give me a purpose, worked on some school, and made things how I wanted them. That's all I did, but it has helped a lot. For some reason I got all insecure when I went to a gym with people my age. It's different when they're your peers instead of some random person you see at the gym. It feels like they're your competition. And then when you don't shine, you're dull.
But that couldn't be further from the truth. I am hijacking my subconscious and conscious and gearing them towards being as long-term productive and successful as possible. That involves overhauling the way I live, how often I workout, how I study, how I sleep, how often I work. It has been working, piece by piece. I feel myself being more successful each day with the knowledge snowballing and not being lost to time. God it feels so good to get enough sleep again. I hit the gym 5 days last week, I got company shit going, and I stayed getting caught up with academics. I have an alpha mindset now, so I can get alpha results long term. My academic goals this week are as follows:
Take your midterm.
Drop French.
Read 2 sections in IR, write 1 paper for it.
Finish Exam Corrections.
Finish two formula sheets.
Stay caught up on Physics readings.
Read two more papers for the semester research project.
Do your DS coding and Test.
Do your labwork and your homework in bio.

Home goals:
Get everything in the living room a proper home.
Get a vacmop charging cord.
Get a kitchen bulb.
Get hangers and hang up the clothes.
Clear off the coffee table.
File all that paperwork and do bills.
Vacuum and mop at the end of every week.

Gym Goals:
Hit 5 days a week lifting again. Hit Chest/Shoulder/Tri, Back/Bi, Legs, Chest/Shoulder/Tri, Back/BI, Legs
Hit abs twice a week
Run three times

Porn Goals:
Don't masturbate until at least Saturday, and then keep yourself busy with work, friends, or going on a walk instead.
If you fail, write down the trigger in this forum. It's important to know your enemy.
Document the feelings leading up to a relapse, during, and after. Identify those conditions so you can make better decisions in the future.

Social Goals:
Have three walkout conversations with three different people.
Hang out with someone this weekend.
Go somewhere for fall break if you don't get any calls.

Business Goals:
Get 2-3 calls this week.
Publish the website.
Research the painting side of things. Continue researching drywalling.
Incorporate drywall supply into the logistics for bigger jobs.
Get your mobile mechanic shit sorted from your drywall shit, and label the tubs.

Life Goals:
Play with your dog every day.
Brush your dog every other day.
Stretch in the morning.
No phone 1 hour before and after bed.
Eat three, protein rich, meals a day.
Meal prep.
Don't eat out more than three times this week.
Have sex at least once.

Future Career Prep:
Do at least 2 modules this week. Instead of thinking about it, do it!


This is all a lot. Listing this out makes me realize just how dense my life is with goals and ambition. I act on a lot of it, but when I get say 34/39, I tear myself apart. We can do this this week. You kept it simple, realistic, and doable. I am already on track. I'm proud of myself, I'm going to use this forum as a tool to keep my resolve and discipline in what I want to do in life!!

Not quite ready to leave this forum yet. I need to be here for a few more minutes. I need to get into study mode. But wait, here is the thought! It is hard to translate desire into action. Especially if those actions are uncommon or new. It takes a whole lot of emotion for me to make a new decision, and oftentimes I ignore that. I usually stir myself up enough to make those decisions or to do those things. No wonder I am drained by the end of the week.

You can do this. You are protecting your emotions and yourself now. There is nothing to fear. We will still visit everyday, but we'll see which ones we can cross off the list each day, or update it whenever you do it! This has transformed from a journal to fight PMO to blasting my thoughts about everything, and building a life where PMO isn't only unnecessary and counterproductive, but for making the triggers defunct or non-existent in the first place. That is okay, I am usually the only one who reads this shit.

 

Oh, fuck. I haven't relapsed. But I did identify something that bugs me, and stopped it from being a trigger before it became one. Realizing that things were never as they seemed. With my romanticized view of history, the world, my life, my relationships. Sometimes reality has a way of kicking you in the ass, and throwing you a curveball. Alas, we must carry on.

To realize that nothing was ever as it seems.
To realize that was where I found my esteem.
To romanticize an elder age.
Pure as gold, and burning sage.
But alas, it was never true.
Turned my heart, black and blue.
My philosophy was proven wrong.
Ending at last, this bitter song.


The more I know, the less I feel. The more I feel, the more I do. The more I do, the better I feel. Sometimes, some things are better left unknown. Leaving this to die in the past is best. I would prefer that when I look back on this, I don't relive this bitter disappointment in my worldview.

 

Disappoint not relived! I have been struggling these past few weeks, so I smashed my phone and got a flip phone instead. Also, I am taking the opportunity (that I made on purpose, but am branding as an accident) to detox from porn for 90 days. Not a single drop. I don't care whether I beat off or have sex, that's irrelevant right now. PORN IS THE ENEMY. You are good at doing 1 week on, 1 week off, but after all, it's a habit. And it wins when you inevitably get stressed.

I crashed my car as well. Shitty situation. But it's behind me. Now, I have to move forward. Strangely I didn't feel much of anything, just adapted accordingly. I don't think I'm going to drive any cars anytime soon. It seems like more of a risk than anything.

I have been very lazy and sort of not wanting to do anything. This needs to end today.

I beat off in the bathroom without any porn. This isn't ideal, but it's gonna have to do. Also, I feel so much more in control of my sexuality without porn in my life!

This might seem like it sucks objectively, but subjectively I am so happy with it. It cuts off my contact with my ex, it cuts off my access to porn, it cuts off my distractions from what I'm doing, and it allows me to ride my NEW bike everywhere. This is what I wanted. I'm going to take it!

 

It has been awhile since I've been here.

I had a bad few weeks. Being down on myself, not going to the gym, not working as much. It was easy to take the path of least resistance. I started working on my car, got 2 jobs for my company, but only worked a night shift once for my former employer. Getting a job at Chipotle again. Nice.

Back in action on schoolwork though. Got caught up in one class, no late assignments allowed in another, and I am working on getting my sources for the final paper. In my other class I have FOUR assignments and TWO quizzes to do resulting from me being a bitch and getting depressed in the middle of the year.

You are not overworked. You're underworked. Stop hampering your own potential. You are a great person at your core, but this man you're being, its not who you are. You are capable of so much more. Sitting there watching Breaking Bad or the Boondocks, or Science documentaries, or playing paradox games is fun, but it doesn't teach you much anymore. You need to move on and get your work done. This is how you will be the man you want to be.

Remember to take care of yourself E. But go for it.

4 days clean from the humiliating trap I fell back into. I feel like this time is different. It came with a mindset change. It will work. Even in my weakest moments.

 

I'm back.

I need to get some things off my mind. I've been driven crazy by the progression and regression that I've seen in my life. I need to get someone off my mind. I need to get my ideas down and just let someone know how I feel.

I feel very very very very very strong feelings for someone I work with. I've interacted with her quite a bit, but most of it has been nonverbal, ya know? It started when I was coming from class or work with the big man and stopping at Chipotle to get some food. I would smile and be a little flirty with this one girl and throw her a complement. I noticed one day that my bag had a heart on it. Then when I got rehired there (don't think I'm just some dope, 60% of the reason is still the free food lol) she would always look at me and smile. I started a few small talk conversations with her and she always smiles really big during them. I also noticed she smiles everytime we specifically make eye contact, and she always makes an extra effort to listen to what I'm saying even if its just my little remarks that I use to get me through the day. I seriously like this game we're playing. I have been lusting after her so fucking hard recently too... It's so... exciting.

Damn, I shouldn't be so doubtful. When you run through it like that you know she thinks you're attractive! You just can't fuck it up by trying to hard when talking to her! You already talked to her and expressed disappointment when she was 6 years older than you and had 4 kids. Hmmm, she still smiled though. I think it's redeemable. Just go to work tomorrow morning and give a flirty comment that you missed her yesterday. That's it, don't overcomplicate it!

But when I was being a dork and freaking out because I have a crush lol I read an article about how to talk to older women. It said something about talking about passions, dreams, and goals, and I thought a good pre-game to that would be to figure out what mine actually are RIGHT NOW. My life has changed quite a bit- more on that later- and so my goals have changed.

1) Fuck drywall. Painting is more lucrative. focus on drywall when you're hanging it in your own house.
2) Work more. Work those 50 hour weeks you claim (for yourself and the big man) and go to the gym and go snowboarding and chill with friends. Go hard or go home m8.
3) Go after that girl. She could say no, and then you just agree and you return to your life. Or, bear the weight of the regret. Your choice.
4) Keep doing what you're doing with online school. Yesterday was great, if that keeps up we should be done within two months and ready to schedule that exam. Then, you've finally made it into an entrenched industry.

I'm so scared of the real world. I think that's why I ran back to college. It's so... difficult. There aren't guarantees. I am so fucking tired of college though. My dog hates me because I never take him out, it left me with depression of not doing what I wanted to ever, and I was never working with my hands or on any projects that felt meaningful. I am doing great for a 21 year old. I am rebuilding my third car alone, I have two jobs, and I have some college done in a hard field and have OPTED to switch to online school. I have seen the military as well as academia as well as multiple industries in the business world through myself or through shadowing my parents. The only sector I've yet to see is the entertainment and hospitality sectors!

I'm sure the world is full of so many new interesting people places and things that I never even dreamed of. But I'm not sure that I would be particularly happy sitting in a room learning about them. I think I would feel more happy if I took a few months to develop skills I could take with me to truly visit or move to those places.

I have passions.

I am PASSIONATE about working with my hands.
I am PASSIONATE about having great sex and a great relationship where I feel good about my lady does too.
I am PASSIONATE about finding the one.
I am PASSIONATE about getting into fighting.
I am PASSIONATE about being independent.
I am PASSIONATE about exploring the world on foot.
I am PASSIONATE about building my own house.

I have dreams.

I dream of building my own helicopter.
I dream of making movies.
I dream of being really good at dancing and guitar.
I dream of being very muscular and strong, able to lift more than your everyday bodybuilder and strongman.
I dream of being so smart I can design anything and fix anything.
I dream of building my own house.
I dream of having a son in the NFL and one in UFC.


I also, on a more personal level, dream of finally having a happy family where everyone feels like they belong and share hobbies with the others. Where no one feels the need to run away or hold back feelings of bitter hatred for fear of having the shit beat out of you everyday. I dream of seeing loving eyes when I walk into the room, to give and get respect from my wife and kids, and to appreciate what is special about them. I dream of not being so afraid of people, especially women, that instead of picking out flaws and reasons to run, I constantly pick out things to love. This is my most important dream.



I also have so many reasons to run from this girl. In fact, if I scared her off, I don't think it's because I said something that made me unattractive, I have a feeling that it is because she would feel that I wouldn't like her now that I know she's older and has kids.
But let's also weigh some things.
She made a point to say that she has been living with her EX. That's a red flag because it means she
a) is actually still with her ex and gave me a go ahead to go after her.
or b) lives with her ex, who could easily fuck her one night if I ever have do get with her.
or c) seeing the best in people, I'd say she lives with her ex for economics but isn't on some fuck shit and wants to move out but doesn't want to bring her kids to some rathole.

She also made a point to say that she's been in recovery for being a meth addict.
This concerns me because:
a) I haven't done meth, I don't want to be seen as a child because of that.
b) Meth is correlated commonly with being a whore. Why would such a nice girl be such a whore???
c) Addiction is hard to form a relationship with. You don't want to ruin their recovery just to express your emotions when something is wrong.
d) Being that she didn't have her kids with her for years, I hope she wasn't having men come in and out of some meth house being a slut for her dealer. That would ruin the purity complex I have that is untainted for her.

Best case scenario:
a) she's a good girl and got into meth because she felt unworthy of being anything in this world.
b) Her ex put her on some fuck shit and she used it to cope with the pain.
c) She never fucked a bunch of men and was more of a secret addict.


I don't want to lie to myself, but I also don't want to give up hope. This is a totally internal struggle that no one will ever see. Ack. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I be a dumb motherfucker who doesn't care about anyone? Why am I secretly so compassionate?? Why do I refuse to show this to people in the real world??????

She has four kids and is working on her education.
a) means she's a high school dropout because she was a teen mom. Best case scenario all the kids are with the same dad, worst case, four different dads.
b) means she has responsibilities and can't run away with me nor would she want to. She couldn't exactly jump on board with my life.
c) for me to not feel like a cuck raising a bunch of someone else's kids, I would need to have like 5 or more kiddos with her. Lol I know she's had 4 kids and still looks great but 5 more and I'm pretty sure that will make her kinda chunky. Just speculating. I don't want to ruin her body but like fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk I need to know that my lady wants my babies
d) Another concern is that I want to be able to have intelligent conversations with her because as it currently stands I'm having retarded conversations with stupid women. I hope that she's actually hella street smart and conversationally smart.
e) Maybe all she sees me as is a financial plan. :/


Things to cheer me up:
You would have never been good enough for a girl way older than you until you turned 21 anyways, so cheer up champ.
This is you using your talent for criticizing to dissect all your interactions with someone.
You already have a beautiful girlfriend (i already know i'm a douchebag, i've fully accepted that I won't settle until I find the one)
All the signals point to her BEING interested regardless of whether it's just messing around or a relationship, regardless of if you act on it or not. That's a complement, REGARDLESS. Even if she hates you tomorrow she was always interested just from looking at you and talking to you.
She didn't know how much money you inherited or the big man offered you. She was always interested in you.
the snowboarding resort opens in 2 days.
The gym is open right now.
You're not thinking about your ex!
There are other girls that play the looking at me game with me at the gym!
Your relationship with your family has improved drastically to the point where you can tell them how you feel and not fear their presence.
Christmas is less than a week away.
Trying and failing is better than never trying at all.
you made hella progress on the car today and no one was there to pester you or cheer you on. it was all YOU!!!
Think about where you were when you were 16. mentally unstable, screaming and crying super loud every night, vandalising shit constantly, not prepared at all for the world, a schizophrenic psychopath not to mention. You're still a psychopath, but at least you're not schizophrenic. And seriously, at least you don't fantasize about murder so often anymore. You have done well to play your cards right and morally to keep you out of trouble and avoid harming yourself and others even if it's hard sometimes.

Then when you were 18 you had no self-confidence, were some punk who had been kicked out of the military, and no life skills. Were still dependent on mommy and daddy and couldn't open up to friends or otherwise.

Now you're 21, and you've seen a whole lot. You've gotten lazy and depressed the past few months but are still working at making some progress while doing the least. You're gearing up for a hard, heavy on-season. You are finally ditching all the bullshit to pursue what you really want to do in life. You have coping mechanisms when things get bad and I don't think you've had a blowup in a long time. You have made so much progress on you anger issues, relationship issues, some but not all friendship issues, and life plan. You could still improve on your fitness consistency, work-hard play-hard, and socializing with friends sections.

But what this whole forum is about, I COMPLETELY forgot. And to anyone reading this, eventually, you will too.
I stopped worshipping porn as god or satan. I have noticed that I when my superego feels that something I have done is intolerably pathetic, even if in all reality, it was completely normal, I run to porn. SOmetimes, it is humiliating, sometimes not. But I noticed whenever I feel emasculated, it was the degrading categories and whenever I feel excited and masculine but not quite in the right spot in life it's the str8 porn. My ego's response has changed, and I 9 times outta 10 get turned off by the degrading categories or completely filter it out. My ego has completely adapted to it because deep down, in my superego, I knew it was wrong, as in my id. But what has been going on in real life?
I would wake up, go work one job, come home, play video games, feel guilty, masturbate, and go to my other job. Eh, could be doing more, not gonna say that this is my ideal lifestyle lol. I'd prefer to be less of a loner going forward. I think tomorrow I am going to go to my second job first and see what I can get done, and then the gym! Eventually, I will run out of things to do and will have to either find work, socialize, or develop new and interesting hobbies! My self-analysis and improvement can only keep me entertained for so many days.

Look at something. You might miss mom, and wish she was here to see you be successful, and wish you could show her some of the bitter assumptions she had about life were wrong and she surrounded herself with shitty people and she was a good one, but you can't and you've accepted that she'll just have to watch from above. I loved mom a lot, too much. Mama's boy. Just didn't want her to feel so alone, becuase hell knows I did. I wanted her to have her baby as long as possible, because it meant that she had purpose to go on. Her other dreams died with her disability and I became the only one. That wasn't fair to me, but I think she understood that the closer to death she got. I love you mom. It's all gonna be okay. I might not think of you as much anymore, and you might have been sick and frail so the death isn't totally my fault, but I will never love you any less. I treasure the memories.

And to my ex... FUCK YOU!!!!
lol jk but not really. I felt too bad to break up with you when you started being crazy and controlling my life, then I reciprocated your craziness and you finally got a taste of your own medicine. Bittersweet. I have laid my case to rest. I became my enemy and defeated them. At least that's what I tell myself. In the beginning I loved her, but when we had to adult together I slowly realized she might be a fun partner to go on dates with and share my feelings with, but when it comes to being a life partner, a total liar at worst and inexperienced and not knowing what she wants at best. And I rest my case, I can move on, IN PEACE.

I went to the arcade with my gf last night. She is such a BABY when it comes to winning and losing at games. She lost and looked like she was gonna cry and then when she won she rubbed it in my face. It pissed me off so much. I told her today. I don't think she's a perfect match for me, but most of the time I like her company. It makes me feel less alone, and have a personal little cheerleader. But sometimes she's messy and complains and puts herself down and is a stoner. She doesn't seem to think a whole lot which bugs me. But I also like how she is a good partner in that she doesn't fuck around on me and she always pays her bills and manages her money well. She likes dancing and has enough confidence to talk about some stuff and doesn't need to be coddled for hours. IDK man life is tuff :/ ya never know what's wrong and what's right because there is always someone new to meet!

Yeah, I decided I'm gonna try to fuck that chick. We'll see what happens. She could just say, "you're too young" and that's that, or it could be me meeting that Dani-California lost girl let's run away together soul mate that I want to marry and have babies with and die with. Who knows. If it's not her, she's out there somewhere. Maybe down in Arizona...

 

Found out that that girl might possibly be a murderer. I am glad I have restraint. I could have gotten myself into something super deep. Sometimes I guess the worst case scenario is true after all.
Anyways, need to hop on something productive, been on that train for about 3 hours. Also, to my reply, thank you brother, we're in this together!

 

Weird relationship with PMO. I haven't used in 8-9 days, but was about to have sex earlier and didn't feel any desire... I threw up a tiny bit in the shower. It might be that I've eaten nothing but Chipotle for 3 weeks, but it's got me worried. I am going to start taking care of myself, because I don't want to be using porn as a crutch to determine whether I find my girlfriend sexy still or not. Weird situation to be in. I don't like it. This is a wake up call ig, quitting for good has some difficulties as well as victories.

 

Okay. Doing better. I stopped belittling the idea that maybe my emotions towards someone may affect my desire to have sex with them. I should've just listened to the common sense in every pop song ever. Anyways, have rekindled my relationship and worked out SOME problems in it so I'm feeling good about that. My sexual performance didn't just return but improved! Nice.

I have realized that being honest, especially with myself, will not stray me from my path but rather re-cement me on it. I worked a full day today, and it had all the bullshit of the job not quite working out and being cramped and stressful. However, we got what we could done and got out and we'll be back tomorrow. Also, learned a tiny bit about working with fiberglass, so that's pretty cool too.

I have had a weird relationship with PMO recently. I haven't felt much temptation to use, save for that time where I was worried after not being able to get hard with my lady. I determined that was that I was a little sick and feeling turned off towards her in general.

I haven't seen that other girl in a long while, and that's probably for the better. Even if I felt extremely attracted to her thinking with my dick isn't the best thing long term. Even if she is clean and all the best-case scenarios, that's four children that aren't mine to raise. That's a big commitment. I'm glad I didn't nosedive into it, and if I want to be friends with her and do stuff that's cool too, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I would need to ease into that to see if it was right for me.

On the flip side, last night I saw my friend has been dating this gi