I slipped many times after some 120-day abstinence. Now, I suffer from more harsh urges than before. It is tough, and I am ashamed of myself. Anyway, my road exists only one way, and I should keep walking whether I like it or not. When I achieved 90-day abstinence, I thought, without knowing, that 90-day abstinence is not really a tough job. However, I feel at a loss and lost confidence in myself. At this moment, a 90-day streak looks like an almost impossible task. Anyway, today is the youngest day in my remaining life. I should walk looking up at the sky and encouraging myself. First, I want to celebrate Christmas Eve with regained confidence in myself. It is almost one week.
Day 9! I'm a bit late in posting this because I wasn't sure if I could hold out. Some times I have a mild but consistent urge throughout the whole day. It can really get to me, but I managed it this time, somehow
I am here after a long time. Did I forget myself completely during this time?May be,I don't know. I have good precedents to take lessons but why I was that sluggish? Day 1 completed....
Whoops, I thought I was on the bus to day 90, not the short line back to day 0. Silly me, I'll try again...
The root is believing to be body only. It's in ignoring unity and living in diversity. Teacher or not everyone will awaken in his own time. These is a lot of nonsense you said for those who fail to think for themselves. Lust is sin against your own body, there is no any good measure in it, the same as in drugs, alcohol and any other light of consciousness clouding thing. Don't be devil's advocate and push the bulls**t of good in moderation.
Day 0 Relapsed. Last night I came home after 3 days out of town doing contract work teaching. I was exhausted travelling hundreds of kilometres to take some work I needed to pay the rent at the last minute. I was also depressed at the fact that I had yet another flake from online dating. Out of 5 dates arranged only 2 have turned up. I asked why is this happening? Partly a dating environment in which women have higher standards BUT also areas where I need to improve - developing a more masculine and composed demaneour, not to be so obsessed with people pleasing, having boundaries and standing up for myself when I'm disrepected. It felt like looking up this mountain and being at the bottom of it with so far to climb. How do I change these ingrained beta people pleasing, avoid confrontation type habits? It all got to me and I relapsed. However, as I write this entry I realise there is no other way but to face up to this. PMO is just another escape (along with drugs, and overuse of social media and computer games). There is a consensus out there amongst the more enlightened men facing these challenges THAT LIFE HAS TO CHANGE. New habits like regular exercise, meditation and journalling need to form part of our lives to counter the messages from society and our education system which indirectly encourage PMO by encouraging men to be subservient, head bowed, softly spoken and people pleasing so as to be good employees for the wealthy and also to comply with what extreme feminists think a man should be (but not one they would date, ironically) Having said all that, the way out of this starts with me and my choices. There are habits which I can be more consistent with - exercise, journalling, meditation and trying to find healthy hobbies that provide interaction and joy (hiking, art gallery talks, martial arts, dancing class). I can either do these or just slump in front of youtube when I finish work. So I will now commit to a regular meditation and journalling practice and will post on this as I try to steer myself towards the light and away from the darkness of PMO
I agree with the part of believing to be body only. I believe in the soul. But I would respectfully disagree with the other parts of your response. A teacher is definitely a must in order to truly attain the end goal of our quest. Those who do not have a teacher on this path, their teacher is the devil. As for the lust part , I think you misunderstood what I meant. Perhaps, we define lust differently. I consider lust to be the natural attraction towards the opposite gender, even the pure one towards your spouse. When I say lust in moderation , I mean according to the laws of God or nature or whatever one might wanna call it. If we did not have lust at all , would we as a specie be here today? The same can be said of the other desires you pointed out. Let's take gluttony as an example. If we did not have hunger at all , we would die without realizing that our body requires nourishment. It would seriously jeopardize our health and life. But if it is in excess, then again it seriously affects our health and shortens our life. I would like to point out though, that in order to reach that balance, we have to go through some extreme abstinence at first. such as fasting regularly or hard mode nofap etc. I am happy you engaged with me here, even though we might disagree on some points. Good work with the streak you've got going. Hoping and praying it lasts forever!
I relapsed last night. I once again got fooled into thinking that having my laptop in my bedroom at night was a good thing. I also did not manage to surround myself with people. Since these were the two most important premises of my recovery, I had to relapse. Now I won't repeat this mistake. I am going to surround myself with people and get out of this isolation and I have already put a plan together on ow to do it. I will start implementing it tomorrow morning. I will also keep my laptop out of my bedroom at all times but especially at night. I have made a plan for that as well. I might be fooled into thinking that this is another commitment I am making that will end up the same way as my previous ones but I know it is different this time because the plans I have put together are completely new and little hard but sustainable and not reliant on will power.
