Hey everyone, I've noticed something weird in the past few days that I wanted to get some advice on. The first pornographic image that I remember being turned on by was the picture of a topless celebrity in an advertisement in a magazine I got in fifth grade. It had such a strong effect on me that, for most of my life, when I masturbated, I fantasized about her. (I usually masturbate to mental fantasies instead of photos or videos as I prefer making up the scenario in my own mind.) On my NoFap journey, I have tried as hard as possible to avoid any form of media that has her in it, as seeing her instantly turns me on. As a result, it is becoming progressively more difficult for me to remember what she looks like. Because I can't clearly remember what she looks like, I usually default to thinking about other attractive women when I want to masturbate. I am currently on my longest streak ever (85 days) and my urges have changed. I get extremely horny, but I am utterly repulsed at the idea of masturbating to anybody else except for her (when I typically can masturbate to any attractive girl with no problem). Because I can't remember what she looks like, I don't even WANT to masturbate when I get horny. My horniness instead just gives me an intense desire to look up a picture of her in normal clothing so I can remember her face. I think that this is because NoFap has rewired my brain to actively seek out attractive women when I'm horny instead of just sitting there and masturbating. Can somebody let me know why this is happening, and some advice on how to deal with it? Also thank you for sitting through such a long post!
There are lots of good subjects to invest ur mental energy , think about it. Having urges is okey, but because of we r told to act certain way on it.... Instead just divert ur mind to more productive thing ...
I'm reminded of those maps at a mall or something with the pointer "you are here" because you've gone so long, I think you may need to look at a bigger context now. Like you're in another league than you were previously. From what you've said, in general it sounds like it may be more of an emotional attachment than a sexual one. Of course this starts touching into subtler psychological stuff instead of just "don't look don't touch" of PMO only. Basically it sounds like you might choose to take on a new level of discipline, which may or may not be necessary for reboot but I think it can only help if you go deeper.
Thank you for your response. Unfortunately the urges have gotten worse since this morning. My mind is completely overcome with the desire to masturbate to her nudes. I have a lot of work that I need to do and I have no motivation to do any of it because of this desire. It's tough, but I really need to avoid the psychological consequences of PMO, so I'm going to keep fighting.
Like you I have the first image burned into my brain and I was 8 years old. I meant every detail of that porn scene. After that I have filled in a lot of other junk along the way but found as I entered recovery and nofap that original scene was still there in my fantasy. I'm taking it as a tear down process and it's good that I'm down to the core. Chemically, I think it's there to stay and my best option is to detract and have better options surrounding the core one. Options like a relationship that I can touch, see, smell and taste. One that triggers my heart and emotions not just my penis. I'm 43 and that original memory is still there but now I can see the other stuff that's better.
