sorry again :-/ what annoys me is that i feel the same as in my 80 days. it could not have happened ! DAY 1 YOUNGLING i am back at school, i wish i had another place to be, but for now this is probably the least worse i can be. that's my state of mind, that's all i have for the future. worked hard in my brain. hungry and tired. i hope that's a good repentance. i need to continue. but i am not sure of what i'll do tomorrow. i have classes i find useless. i wish i had a better way to spend my time. i am so arrogant how can i claim that. is that true ? may the Force be with us.
I think everyone finds some classes useless. Remember, a different way to see school is that they want the youngling to grew up a bit before working, not everything is about knowledge.
Day 8 - Padawan Again. I always notice in my first week of Nofap: Pros: * Waking Up early *More energy * Mental energy grows Cons: *A little bit of Depression *Start questioning myself about my life a lot
It's been a while since I last posted. I am on day 7 no P, no MO, so I am finally a Jedi Padawan again @Marcus Aurelius. I was in the psychiatric hospital for 5 days, which helps stay clean when you cannot have your electronics, and you are checked on every 15 minutes. I had a psychotic break, and I realized I had been experiencing a subtle delusion for a number of months to cope with trauma from childhood as well as stress with finishing undergrad and starting grad school. My mind created two other personalities to cope. I don't dissociate or anything, I am always conscious of them and when I am switching, but I think that pornography helped me deal with a lot of my issues, and I have figured out a way to cope through working on a couple old novels, one of which I started when I was 13-14 years old, and the other which I started a couple years back. I am not going to say the characters names as if I did and I publish, then my anonymity would be gone. However, I picked these personalities from my writings over the years as they were safe. Did not realize I was doing it, but now I am aware and healing. It will take a lot to reintegrate my mind, but I have a wonderful treatment team. As my mind was cracking these last couple weeks, I spent 5-6 days binging pornography for between half an hour to two hours a day. I failed a homework assignment and an exam, and then I was hospitalized. I also realized that my sexuality is not healthy and my sisters' are not either. They blame our mom for that, but I am not sure. While in the hospital I was going through "withdrawal" from pornography and I really wanted to masturbate, but we had very little privacy. One time, I started to, but I could not even get to the edge of climax, I could not feel anything. It was as if my penis was not even apart of my body. It was hard, and that was about it. So after a few moments, I gave up, and then they called to let us know the next group was meeting so I relaxed, my horniness went away and I lost my erection. I had both my therapist and you all in my head as I battled whether to MO or not. In the end, I could not even start MO'ing beyond starting to touch myself. One thing I would like to make clear to myself, all of you, and especially my psycho therapist and sex therapist, is that I want to MO on my terms, if I MO at all, and I am not sure if my terms even involve MO. I don't believe in semen retention or any of that, but I do believe that a healthy sexuality for me involves no MO. When I MO, I think about pornography I have seen, and then I crave the "real thing". My therapist does not understand that, but I see him tomorrow, and I will make it clear to him. that while M'ing can be part of a healthy sexuality, I am not sure it is for me. I know my mom would get upset when I was young when she realized I was M'ing in the bathroom. and I think that jaded me away from MO, however, I also believe that once I deal with the trauma from childhood around sexuality, I may not be interested in MO. While I promised not to talk much about MO or even PMO when I returned on November 1st, I realized that I had to clear the air and be honest with you all. I am not morally opposed to MO, I think it is fine for some people, but I am personally opposed to it like many of you and I need to make that clear that if I MO or not, I want it to be my decision, not NoFap's, and especially not my treatment team's. Anyway, God bless ya'll. Best, Mathman1994
Day 8 - Jedi Padawan Feeling kinda horny I guess. No desire to view, and some desire to MO, though I realized that I will probably have trouble doing it once I even start, and so I will try some other strategies to relax. I journaled a little bit last night. Mainly reviewing entries from the hospital and creating a summary to discuss with my therapist. I left all of my other journals and a couple books, at my apartment when I came home from the hospital, so I could only journal in the journal I got in the hospital. I also was able to read a book I have not read in over a decade. Murder with Mirrors was the first Agatha Christie book I ever read, and I figure as a lot of my issues stem from around the age I first read the book, I would try to get into that mindset to help me deal with that trauma. Anyway, short checkin today. God Bless you all! Best, Mathman1994
Day 4... i feel "porn" triggered more than usual... i had the bad idea to scroll through the news section of a musculation blog, with some nice looking pictures... i must pay attention.
