The Story I've Needed to Tell

Hello there! I am a new user on this form, and I gotta say, it's been a rough life lately.

I am 16 years old. I go to a very rigorous high school and am an artist and an VERY sensitive! There's my short bio.

Now into the real stuff.

I've been a porn addict for 4-5 years. What the hell! Recently, I've been getting sexually instrusive thoughts because of the porn I watched to the point of near panic attacks and fantasizing castrstion! But, let's get on with my superhero backstory or whatever you'd like to call it.

When I was in middle school, I loved anthropomorphic animals. You name it: Disney, Sonic the Hedgehog, BOOM! Loved it all! But it was no obsession, no no no--it was just one of the many things, like writing and learning, that I liked.

And was I alone? Nope! A friend of mine from middle school was also into Sonic the Hedgehog and cute, fuzzy animal creatures. We created comics together with our cringey adventures in the Sonic world including predictable plots and nonsensical nonsense (I literally don't remember a single solid plotline--BUT WHO CARES WE WERE JUST YOUG'NS). We were best friends!

But, he was suffering from lots of problems at school.

Constant bullying. Rumors were being spread. I was his therapist and made sure he wasn't feeling down. But he was having anger issues left and right, yelling things out loud during class, and I was seeing my best friend deteriorate...

Then, one day, he was not as vocal as he usually was at school, and he invited me during recess to see some of his drawings...

I was revolted.

Basically, anthropormorphic animal PORN! Wow, I did NOT want to see that! I told him that is a problem and that he needs to not keep drawing it because, to me, it felt wrong. I'm sure he has a similar past to my near future (which I will get to), but I digress. He showed it to another friend and he was disgusted, and I spent the rest of the day kinda shocked.

Then, the worst part came.

I was looking up Sonic stuff online, and before you know it, I found it, the Fire Nation of my mind (which Aang better be quick to help me defeat because it's been A LONG TIME AANG DAMN)--*shudders* furry porn! But since this was after I found out was masturbation was, and it slightly turned me on, I masturbated to it. Day, after day, after day...

Addiction.

Animal mating videos also took place in this weird "fetish" of mine and I wanted it to go to hell! I prayed every day to make it stop, and in those days, my furthest streak for abstaining from PMO was, what, three days? Compared to 90, I needed, hmm, approximately 87 MORE DAYS! But this was before my knowledge of NoFap...

Now, how's it been going? Well, I abstained from that stupid porn for about a week and a half in the near past, and guess what? I was reconnecting with my childhood love for anthropomorphic animals! I was going on DeviantArt to feed myself with all the cool art on it, and while I am not a furry personally, that art was EPIC! I was severely disgusted by the amount of fetish art on the website and even felt the urge to make a rant on the website about how fetish art is not rated mature art! I also started watching animated movies with anthro and feral animated animals NO PROBLEM! But whatever, I was meeting with cuteness overload, drawing my own characters (along with my own human avatar, which I refuse to make an anthro, artists reasons), writing my own stories about school life and finding my inner artist.

But then, my new best friend asked a question after I shared my love of anthro with her: "How'd you get into anthros?"

I looked to my childhood and was like, "I used to LOVE Sonic the Hedgehog and Disney films with anthro characters" (or just animal characters in general).
BUT THEN THE FIRE NATION RETURNED!

Memories of the porn flooded me, arousal began to happen, I was paralyzed. I told her later that this was my past and I was ashamed of it, and she told me she wasn't weirded out and wanted to support me by helping me forget this addictive past (that was very close to me, apparently...)

For three days, near panic attacks. Shuddering. Rumination. Taking several showed to "cleanse" my sins away. Looking up being a zoophile (even though I've never wanted to abuse a real animal, YUCK) even being a PEDOPHILE (thanks OCD Action UK, now I'm questioning thoughts I've never even had...and hell to the no no NO I have NOT looked up child porn). I have this tendency to look up all my problems on the internet and then mentally adopt those problems unconsciously, and let me tell you, I had fantasies of undergoing chemical castration because I just wanted sex to be out of my life forever. But I know it causes more problems than it can fix and nothing comes for free. Sexually intrusive thoughts plagued my days this Christmas season, and I just felt like shutting myself away from the world because then they'd be safe with one less twisted mind.

But no. That's no longer what I'm going to do!

I've heard about NoFap and have even gone on the forums here from time to time. What I think I truly need is a LONGER than 90 day reboot with no PMO in order to fix my sexual thoughts. I truly just want to be asexual (not be interested in sex), but I must not repress any sexual identity. Although I mostly think demisexuality is what I truly have (I really only feel sexual attraction to people when I've developed emotional connection, but still...). I think it's time to go forward with this. I relapsed today, but I know with the immense pressure from this forum and support from other users, I will go through this epic journey to fight against porn! Because look what it did to me. It made me physically and mentally sick! But I am in a transitional phase. I can get the attention off these memories. I can stop PMO!

It's going to take a while to convince myself that I'm not a monster and that these sexual feelings were established by IMAGES ON THE INTERNET, and that I'm not long gone. I can't be, right?

Also, just a list of the things that cause me to masturbate: rumination, stress (perfectionism), and depression. Time to do other things!

(Oh and btw I have decided to delete all my innocent anthro art stored on my phone because I was getting aroused by them, which never happened before the triggering question my friend asked me. Maybe I need to desensitize myself to the fact that these are not figures of sexual pleasure? I truly want my childhood love back. Maybe I won't get it fully, but I can get the good parts and no longer associate with the bad).

Anyone else with a similar story? I haven't read many other stories with people affected by furry porn at a young age. It's a problem because these kids who want to truly express creativity in the fashion if animsls are vulnerable to the madness I've seen! Like my old friend, I so hope he's gotten over it. It's tough, but that's what life is about--being tough and then getting utterly destroyed by our persistence!

(Can you call this trauma? Is porn trauma? IDK)

 

Currently? Distractions. Writing down my thoughts. I've shared my problem with my advisor and my closest friend. Self talk. Cold showers. I would really like some more strategies to get through this, though, so whatever helps!

 

One of the ways I got involved with the fellowship was by reading some really great journals.

Once you open a journal, click "Watch Thread" in the upper right of the page to get alerts when new posts are made. Here are just a few:

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@Visor Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/144228/
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@I_can_and_I_will Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/138959/
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@weddingnails Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/143418/
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@MLMVSS Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/142945/
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@Struggle Bug Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/141911/
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@BigDawg913 Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/145872/
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@Sunshadow Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/75108/
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@kropo82 Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/78164/
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@tet2vd Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/144513
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@Protagoras Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/109842/
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@Tomoya Okazaki Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/143534/
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@DavidGibson Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/143325/
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@Euklid Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/146663/
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@BreatheDeeply Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/139097/
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@LiquidShoes Journals at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/134044/
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There are many more, and you can discover them on your own. But, these are great places to start.

This is a work in progress. So, if a journal has changed or is no longer active, look around there are some amazing journals on here.

L

 

Thank you for the resources!

It's honestly tough because now more than ever, I've been obsessed over what I get aroused by and have been putting myself through a lot of mental self tormenting. I can't seem to look past the trap that is saying, "I'll always be like this. There is no healing beyond this."

I've been sharing more of these thoughts with my advisor who is also a porn addict. My friend is also one, too. But the fact is that I'm letting this problem solving mindset get a little too much room in my life. Not saying that focusing on a goal is bad, but obsessing over it has just made me feel more anxious, more depressed, more debilitated. I must implement NoFap in a way that becomes a secondary goal to a true, real goal. But I'm always afraid. I'm always afraid I'm into some sort of sick paraphilia and that I belong in a mental hospital, but the truth of this matter is that I have gave myself too much information to handle at once (how the hell did I learn the word castration?). I have hypochondria for both mental and physical illnesses (just a month ago, I had a period of panic attacks when treating my bronchitis and I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die. I've recovered from that, though!)

The more I look into some furries online, the more repulsed I feel. The more I wonder, "what if this is some twisted fantasy all gone wrong?"

I am intensely self aware of how I'm doing, but due to a Christian upbringing, sex has always been no no talk. Not that I need to talk about it 24/7 with every random stranger in sight, but I should have someone close with whom I can speak about sex to. I just found out my advisor is one of them.

I keep getting glued to the past. This thinking that once I've already done it, I'm too far gone. No, I'm not. The pain I feel right now is partially due to mental self harm but also part of healing. I'm healing. I'm healing...

And whaddya know? That's the hardest part about it--to accept that I am imperfect. I am a perfectionist to the T--being anything less sometimes triggers me, especially in terms of someone else. If I ever wanted this, I would have asked for it, but no, I was exposed to it by a friend, and then the Internet.

I really fear I'm capable of doing bad things, but, in reality, I am too aware of consequences. Picking fights is stupid, robbing something is just plain dumb, murder is just asking for your life to be ruined. But, you see, I have a tendency to fuse my actions and thoughts in my head as if they were one and use that as the basis of my mental self torment.

When people see me, they say I'm creative, insightful, diplomatic--all things that I am, in truth, but since I'm the one stuck in my POV, it's easier for me to believe I'm a fraud. I'm just a phony. However, I actually just have a good sense of self control. That's why intrusive thoughts and porn memories have such a big hold on me, and the reason why I relapse is because I want the thoughts to go away. But I know that is not the way to go about it. That only strengthens the images and my desire for them.

@It'sBlue , what type of fetishes do you have (I don't know if there's private messaging here, but if so, do so there.)? How do you prevent them from bleeding into reality? Do you ruminate? Do you get intrusive porn memories and thoughts? I think you're going to be my buddy on this site as I'm healing because I truly need some comfort, some encouragement, and some challenge!

 

Ugh, it's been a struggle lately. Already relapsed, but I stayed AWAY from the furry/animal mating stuff. Although sexual memories of it have caused me unwanted arousal, insomnia, a little depression, irritation. I don't want to be around by those memories anymore...I don't...

This needs to end, but I'm getting so frustrated and so scared that I'm actually into this shit. That I'm just a paraphilic person that deserves to be castrated, go to hell, thrown into a psych ward, prison, shunned by the face of humanity...

I've been going down rabbit holes of Google searches lately..."beastiality worries?" "Hi guys, I'm a zoophile, and--" and I'm just like, "What the hell! I get the first one (zoophilia OCD, it's real) but the second one from a no longer existing thread from PsychForums on paraphilias! Some of them want help, but some of them are just accepting this...how? How can you accept this..."

I've been afraid of looking at animals. Drawing them. Thinking of them. I fear that I'm just thinking of them as sexual objects, things to get me off. I don't want to think of them like that! I want it to end!

What makes it worse is that I feed it. I keep checking on the paraphilias forum. I keep checking on the OCD action UK forum. I keep checking on people who sexually abused animals. All on the internet. The glory of information! Shit shit SHIT!

I wish I could just summon a time machine, go back to when I first saw the image my friend drew, and turned myself away. Turned myself all the way away, and said, "nah." I'm sure many of you would do the same. But I'm not sure if ANY of you are going through the torment I'm going through!

I don't want more reassurance on the porn issue, I just want someone e to empathize with. Yes, I am still doing NoFap. I've read all the stuff, watched a lot of talks on porn. But no one has had the upbringing and feelings like I've had.

And I'm too scared to go to therapy and go like, "Hey, shrink, my problem is I've been watching porn of half human half animal hybrids as well as watched animals mating to get me off, and now I'm obsessed with not only overcoming it, but with tossing that past out of the way." I just wanna look at anthro cartoon drawings and stuff like that the same again... it's killed me because most of what I grew up with was this stuff. Imagine a child going on epic adventures with his favorite toy, a dinosaur named Roy (rhyme was on accident). Now, imagine one day his friend Alex shows him a video of dinosaurs mating and then the child goes back knowing it was weird and wrong, but then he accidentally finds porn of it online and gets into it. He can't look at that toy again, go on the same adventures again, he grows up and spends his entire life separating his porn material from his toys until one day, he gets through it. He becomes fascinated with dinosaurs, he draws an epic comic strip with cool shoot shoot pew pew lazers of dinosaurs, whatever. But then, a porn memory comes back, and he's aroused by it, and he sees his comics and fears he'll be aroused by it too. He burns them. He burns everything.

And now, he wants to burn, himself. He doesn't want anyone to know that THAT'S what he's gotten off too, that THAT'S his porn material, that his new love for it was just a perversion, holding back true desire...

I'm an overdramatic person, yes. I may be going to in depth into my probelms. But trust me when I say I've been dying inside lately. Imagine all the children now, into video games and stuff, with tablets and internet access and parents who trust them too much. What if their favorite characters became sexual perversions? And they could never play the same games again? Why. Are. People. So. Fucked. Up.

Yes, I know what Rule34 is. It's a fucked up joke of a site. "If it exists there's porn of it--" why? Why can't humanity just leave. Things. The. Fuck. Alone?

My main reason for stopping? So that I don't end up like some paraphilic person that is like "oh accept you're into--" NO! Homosexuality is acceptable. Heterosexuality is acceptable. Asexuality, Demisexiality, whatever! I don't care! But to say that zoophilia is okay? No wonder the paraphilia forums were locked (can't post anything anymore)--people were doing these things!

I've been the biggest bully to myself lately. "You looked at that anthro and was sexually aroused, buddy--ready for your whipping? Ready to get castrated? Ready to make the press, because that's all you'll ever be--a sick, twisted fuck!" Nobody cares about all the rights you've done once you do one thing wrong...

I've had a lot of self control lately. Even though I relapsed, it was NOT to any anthro or mating. But most of the self control was either isolation, sleep, or constantly checking--PsychForums, OCD action Uk, my thought diary...

I think most of this came from the fact that my family made sex this forbidden thing and I was exploring, but a bad influence from a friend just got everything off the bat. The moment I lost my childhood, and now, my moment to lose the will to live, to prevent one more criminal from being let loose in this world...

I'll keep you posted on my journey. I please welcome anyone with a similar upbringing to come here and discuss with me how I can change. How I can empathize with someone to find myself. I need someone to empathize with!

 

And sorry if I'm offending any older furries that aren't into this shit, but I've looked at Twitter and saw some of that NSFW shit ON THERE! Like this one thing that said "You can win a free NSFW version of this SFW art!" All happy, no one batting an eye at it, making me feel sick. I wish I was only into regular porn addiction.

Also, I usually don't curse this much, but I'm angry.

 

Yes, indeed, I have. I'm going to talk to my parents about it. I just don't know what to say to my therapist.