How to tell if recovery commitment is real?

You are very welcome... I also know of some smaller groups, if that isn't quite what you are looking for... PM me.

 

About rock bottom.

Just as recovery is unique for each member so is "rock bottom". It means something different for each individual. I like to define "rock bottom" as "as low as I fell, before I got back up"

Both the PA and the SO are correct in what we are expressing in use of this term.

Rock bottom is NEVER an excuse or justification to continue spiraling down in addiction. No body is advocating that we get worse or do more harm before we recover.

Rock bottom is merely an absolute mindset change. It happens in a number of ways. People get so fed up they must quit, or they lose so much control they know they need help, or some merciful intervention takes place, or some forced disclosure happens at which shtf and the current status quo can no longer be maintained. Or any number of reasons.

Rock bottom is the furthest we fall in this deceiptful chasm of sexual addiction. Some of have affairs, some have perverted fetishes, some indulge in illegal activity. One man's rock bottom isn't the same as another's. Be greatful that HE hasn't done what others have done, there are always worse rocks below.

Rock Bottom is only evident once you begin to crawl out of the dark bitter hole. It makes little difference how deep the hole is or was, especially when we're trapped in it. Grabbing the strength to reach for the light and climb out is what is important. Sure we come out dirty and beat up. Yeah we've experienced some awful things on the way down and the way up. But when we stand at the top on our own two feet we bask in the light among those who care, we realize it is all worth it.

@stid Tell your husband it hurts my feelings that he gave up on this forum before I got to know him. J/K

There is hope and healing. Porn kills love. Recovery takes patience.

 

I agree with @Reverent and it's llike using "because I'm a addict" as a relapse excuse.
You always were a addict, but once you realize that you are in fact a addict, using that as a crutch, is BS.
Once acknowledged, every other time confronted, you make a conscious decision to make that choice, do or don't relapse.
Now, it's on YOU.
Every single time.
You cannot unlearn what you have learned.

 

If i could weigh in on this. I have hit rock bottom myself and unfortunately but also thankfully i was directed and pushed, would like to say a little but that is not completely true, to educate myself on recovery. This was 1 particular book which when i started reading pushed me to real recovery for ME not only my relationship with my SO.

For the record she had found a flat for her and her daughter, went to put down a deposit but could not get guarantor for a fortnight. During this very short period of time she saw real and dramatic changes in my attitude and commitment even though i was doing it for me first. I have completed the book now and am truly enlightened, i am now confident that i can call myself 'A MAN' which i thought i was before, this is also reciprocated by my SO regularly. I have great appreciation and respect for @GhostWriter who pushed me into this change whilst talking to my SO. True recovery is possible and real. I wouldn't like to present myself as a success story as still taking 1 day at a time with my relationship but it is going really well

If you would like to direct your partner to the book check out the link below:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Man-Her-Dr...1525283971&sr=1-13&keywords=man+of+her+dreams

Good luck on your journey and above all love yourself and be happy however you move forward.

 

A "override" is still "putting out" the decision making process.
Which is something that you do.
Striatum area of the brain still sends the signal to the prefrontal cortex only, which triggers only goal oriented behavior (the dopamine - cortisol cycle of addiction) [reward curcuit] verses the proper signal, backwards... Which requires a actual thought (which is ignored - during self awareness)
A compromise to another comprise etc.
And if you want to get into a discussion on the brain....
I would love to in detail, if I didn’t have meetings later.

 

Hi,

I'm a recovering PA and i can relate to your story. I was and thankfully still am in a relationship with my SO only having truly got into real recovery just over 3 weeks ago after reading the book at the bottom of my signature.

The part of getting into a fight and not owning up to relapses sounds very worrying and am unsure whether your PA is wanting real recovery for himself before the relationship which is most important. I don't mean this as an insult to you but if its for the relationship once you hit hard times he will relapse again. I sought help in my desperate time for myself as my SO was leaving me, had a flat ready and everything. Once i read the book i mentioned my whole perspective, attitude and respect for my SO changed instantly. If your PA wants this please direct him to the book or tell him to contact me directly. I would be happy to help.

I know its not what you want to hear but this journey for you is painful and if you cant continue you need to look after yourself first. I would urge you to try everything first so if you do leave you do so with a clear conscience. This journey causes real long lasting damage to SO's and my heart goes out to each and every one. Us PA's cause some shitty consequences and serious damage to the ones we love.

 

I couldn't agree with this more. I certainly haven't hit rock bottom yet in my own life, and I still feel extremely motivated to quit. In fact, the fact that I could hit rock bottom from continuing down this addiction path is part of my motivation for quitting. Overall, my main motivation for quitting is that porn is slavery, and I want to be free. It feels so good to be free, and I never want to be a slave again. I already understand the benefits of living a porn-free life (I'm experiencing them first-hand right now!), so I don't think I'll need to "hit rock bottom" to see the light.

 

That was really nice to read. I've never really thought of 'rock bottom' in the way you're describing, but it feels so right. Thanks for sharing your insight.

 

So glad to hear that it might have cracked open a door. Hope it's something you can build on.

I'm on the road and it's tough to read all of the "rock bottom" opinions, but I'll throw my two cents in anyway...

I never hit a traditional rock bottom, but I am today by far healthier than I have ever been in my life and well on my way IMHO.

I talked with my therapist a while back because I felt like I wouldn't make progress in recovery unless I hit that point. I just never felt like it came down to do or die. But I was told that it wasn't necessary to get there. That simply realizing where you were and what you were doing with your life was enough if you were unhappy.

So far, that's been enough for me to get better.

 

I was never arrested, lost my job, suffered any financial hardship, kicked out of my house, nor was I even caught or busted. I just hated myself and what I was doing and sought help. 6 months into recovery I did a full disclosure with my first wife with the help of a CSAT and a close family friend.

So, did I hit bottom? I worried about it for a few years. Someone with years of Al Anon told me "hitting bottom is about making a decision. It's not about the event per se. It's, did something happen to you that made you want to change, that woke you up to the crazy that was damaging your life? You can go back out there any time you want and start doing what you were doing and it will only get worse. At some point, we all make a decision to commit to recovery."

And it's true. I've seen people just get sick and tired of it and make a decision to change. I've seen people get incarcerated and go right back to what they were doing when they get out. It's all about the decision.

So I think, it's best to take the focus off of the event and put it on the decision? Has the person made the decision to commit to recovery or are they still trying it on for size, mulling it over? That's what I think matters.

Peace
-Quinn

 

@stid,

If your PA wants to talk, please don't hesitate to have him contact me. I'll help if I can.

 

Regarding him having you as an accountability partner...

I couldn't have my SO or my best friend as APs. Tried both. The bottom line, and what I think is critical, is having someone who completely understands where you are coming from, shares your difficulties, etc. Having someone sort of anonymous also helps in them being a comfortable sounding board.

I would also recommend having multiple APs - ones who are both ahead of you and behind you in their recovery. That may be hard to do when starting out. But having someone ahead of you provided you with a proven source of inspiration, hope, techniques and advice. Helping someone behind you gives you pride, and self confidence, and serves to constantly remind you of what is working for you.

So while you can serve as an AP, I would suggest you not be the only one. And be ready to sever that agreement on good terms if it's not beneficial to either of you.

Finally, he might want to look into the rTribe app. Anonymous texting for people in addiction recovery. Had been very helpful when NoFap isn't available to me.

 

Amen to this. I think every addict who hits that point of making a decision hits it at a different point in their lives. One of my close friends made a recovery from a heroin addiction once we found him using in his car. He hadn't destroyed his life yet, but he was going to if he didn't stop. He made the decision to quit well before he started losing jobs, relationships, or even his health. That night of us finding him passed out in his car was his "rock bottom"

On the other hand, I have another friend who has been drinking heavily for about four years. His drinking has cost him at least three different jobs, it's gotten him kicked out of his home multiple times, it's put a hold on his relationship with me, it's hospitalized him more than once, and he's distanced himself from many of his family members as well. He's suffered just about every horrible consequence an addiction will bring except for legal trouble or death, and we're all still waiting for him to make that decision to change.

I think you're right about focusing not on what has happened as a consequence of addiction, but by what decisions have been made by the addict to commit to a better life.

 

I would say you going to read that book sex addiction 101 skim through it you get an abstinence contract have him sign it 420 days okay and that means and then you get control of his phone and that means you put a lock on it you put the game media browser on it so he can't even look at porn you control the of the bank account you password-protect all the computers so he can't even go on him unless you right there you get his email passwords and you tell me you're going to regularly check on his email and then you give him a you write up a boundary list for yourself and you state that if you choose porn over me I will leave you cuz you're not going to seek help he's hiding behind his addictions what he's doing and you are allowing him to your enabling him you're letting him stay where he's at and you need to get busy on your recovery and be stronger than he is that's my advice that's what I did with my wife and now both me and my wife are both on an absence contract were both clean our acts up she is becoming very strong her boundary work with she screwed up with me cuz she didn't tell me I was doing her wrong that doesn't mean that I didn't do wrong but I didn't know we've been married for 33 years we have an 18 year old son and she enabled him like no tomorrow and he you drifted off into drugs and he's no longer at the house so we're both in recovery from that but we're also rebuilding our marriage so there you go need any other advice I'll feel free to message

 

Punctuation and Paragraphs please.

I couldn't read this.