How many of you suffer escalation?

I feel you on such a high level man. Even though I’ve done some good work with no PMO, and most of these fetishes don’t arouse me nor do I even get urges for them, I still feel an insane amount of shame. This shame makes me feel worthless and also guilty....

I’ve gotten past the escalation, I’ve resurfaced, I’m now just battling with the least damaging fetish of real incest, I used to have some weird ass fetishes, some went against my morals and even my sexual orientation.

People think that once you de-escalate and your normal sexual tastes return, everything in your head goes back to normal, that’s not the case at all, it takes time to accept the past, to accept that what we went through was not normal, but through the power of an addiction.

I can’t believe some of the things I’ve seen, I don’t know how I ever got off to some of the genres. For example, I used to watch gay porn and even pretend to be the women in porn, I didn’t start this way, I escalated to it, and once I began to abstain, going on consistent streaks made this fetish disappear, and women weren’t boring anymore, and gay shit became fucking disgusting, I was never meant to enjoy it, and the gay shit strictly stated within porn, I never had sexual or romantic feelings for a man in real life ever, compared to thousands of sexual and romantic feelings I had for women, gay porn and me never should have been in the same sentence, but it was, and it’s hard to accept. But I will eventually do it, and yes if you were wondering, I have checked gay porn multiple times and I find it disgusting now, I’m somewhat not that deep into porn like I was years ago, and it’s been years since any gay porn aroused or interested me, and my sexual interest in women is back full force.

Things that help me accept it when the shame gets too strong is to understand that porn is a real drug, and that high speed internet is new and not a lot of research has been conducted on it, but all research I’ve found indicates the negative effects of porn, and a big one is escalation, and once can escalate to any genre, even child porn.

Stay strong, quit pmo

 

Trust me man I feel you, I was there.

You must understand that this “dark side” is not who you are, it was not hiding in some dark corner of your brain, this is something you created through the use of addiction. Addiction progress is real, and it can happen to anybody, even with porn.

I have the same problem as you, I feel so much shame and I feel doubt accepting that porn addiction really caused what I did, which it did. Looking back through it, it’s very easy to tell what is porn induced and what’s not, especially since the porn induced stuff never really occurred outside of porn, and came with a lot of “dopamine rushes.” Also when I PMO to the vanilla stuff, there’s no novelty behind it, it’s natural and I feel no shame after, but as I went down the rabbit hole and watched stuff that provoked Jeanne dopamine rushes, such as gay and incest, I felt so much disgust and confusion after.

Acceptance is key, it takes time, but it is a key role in your journey.

 

Yes and I have felt a ton of progress. More confidence and control over irrational thoughts and feelings. Thing is you will feel absolutely horrible trying to quit in the beginning but it’s so worth it once you’ve made a final life-long commitment and say bye to PMO forever. Starting to realize it was porn induced OCD and not my true sexuality. Throw PMO away forever—nothing good will ever come from it

 

Porn induced OCD? Are you referring to HOCD?

 

All kinds of OCD. Like disgusting thoughts about my aunt, even non sexual thoughts like jumping out of a moving car even though I would never do that. I don’t remember having such thoughts before PMO

 

I’m not sure, but you can find out by abstaining from PMO my friend.

 

Hey brother, I really appreciate your post because it is very similar to my story.

I had gotten into some darker shit personally, for me, it started with pictures of naked girls at age 7-8, then went on to lesbian porn, then straight, and just so you understand I didn’t even fully understand sex back then so I’m more so masturbating towards the taboo effect of porn. I was doing 2-3 times a day for years, at the ages before and during puberty bro, it fucked me up. I started to get bored of the normal porn, so I began to take interest in the penis, and began to imagine the women point of view, and this brought some more novelty, then I escalated into gay porn. Every time I watched it, I would get huge explosions of dopamine, and the wrongness of it is what turned me on so much, and I remember after I would finish, I felt so disgusted and confused, because outside of porn, I never felt sexual or romantic desire for men, even till this day I have not. This was all from the ages of 8-12 bro, I was barely starting puberty.

Due to the gay porn, I developed very severe HOCD at age 14. People can argue that having HOCD is just denial all day, but Theo new who have experienced can only understand the mental torment it brings. It got to the point where I didn’t give a fuck anymore, I would accept I was gay or bi, and the thoughts still didn’t leave me. I did research and found out about NoFap and HOCD and began to abstain from porn. After about a year of decent consistent streaks with no binges, I was cured. By 15, I had no interest in anything gay, and gay porn didn’t arouse me at all anymore and I wanted to throw up every time I watched it. Just pictures of women got me off at this point.

Here is where I relate to you in a very weird way, when I finally cured myself of the HOCD and gay shit, I never fully quit porn, I started to do it around twice a week, and the feeling was completely different, I was fapping to just the idea of making love to a sexy girl in a porno, nothing extreme. It felt right, and also made me hornier in real life. This must be what non addicts feel, they never fapped down a rabbit hole, they just fap to sexy girls.

Where I fucked up, I caught hard feelings for this girl about 9 months ago, she was so gorgeous and her body was insane. I got her number and we started to develop a relationship, and soon began dating. Now I had very strong feelings for her, and when we kissed I would be harder than a fucking rock dawg, she never wanted or do anything else though because she was saving herself for marriage. So instead of cheating n her, I just started to pmo more, and now fast forward 8 months, I’m addicted to incest porn and even worse... i can only fap to videos of women who look like my own mom bro, it’s so fucked up. My HOCD has returned, even though I still find gay porn disgusting, and I had to break up with that girl because of it. I’m once again back on here, and this time for good bro.

I hope you can relate to my story and I hope you don’t fall back in like me.

 

@i_have_pizza, hey. Sounds like you've reached a real place of acceptance of who you are and what the world and the universe are, that's great, I am working my butt off to find some peace and acceptance like that with everything in my own life, and it feels like such a battle, 24/7, and I'm getting so tired. But as soon as I feel like giving up hope completely, I get a real soft whisper that reminds me to get over myself and keep moving, and I think my only real work nowadays is to shut up and listen to that quiet, stable voice.

@TreyBall Damn dude, it blows my mind that people are going through such a roller coaster of mental/emotional bullshit at such a young age now... Firstly I'd like to say that it's 2019 brev, as long as you're confident about it, having sexual interests in whatever gender for whatever reasons is completely acceptable so I wouldn't get too hung up on all the gay stuff. I'm an Irish Catholic hunter and fisherman who grew up on 40 acres in the countryside of a small mid-western town, I have a big beard and blue eyes and if you met me in person you'd think I'm a fuckin kkk that strings fags from their ballsack on the nearest birch tree branch. But a fuck like me at 26 in 2019 who as a teenager told his mom that her friend shouldn't marry another woman because it "just ain't right", I'm now a guy that watches that Brenden Urie singer from Panic at the Disco say in an interview when asked about his sexual orientation, something plain and simple about how he "Just likes people", and I'm like "Damn... That's the no bullshit Truth of all this sexual political blah blah bullshit drama"... Unless you have firm religious beliefs otherwise, who gives a hoot that you sexualized men for a bit back when you were a confused kid man... That's my two cents anyhow.

And as far as the newfound fetish goes, that is a tricky one, however it's also an ancient one, that has been documented pretty thoroughly by Freud as the Oedipus Complex. I think it's super important to remember that this fetish shit isn't just some crazy new-age problem. Although our modern world has made certain psychological neurosis way more prevalent, it's not like they are alien, humans have been dealing with these complex issues forever and there are a lot of fricken brilliant people that have thought a lot of this stuff through. So keep your head up man! And know you're not alone.

I've been really focused on the basic ideas of what it means to be a man and be a human animal on this earth, and instead of trying to play chess with all my complex mental issues, I'm just trying to focus on the basic basic shit in life- fulfilling my basic needs like companionship and physical exertion and eating and drinking and sleeping well and listening in on the rain as I play my guitar like shit... And just not getting too in the weeds about trying to work out the perfect strategy to heal myself. I think Albert Einstein said something like "a problem can't be solved on the same level that it was created" so... I create a lot of my problems from excessive rumination, so I'm trying to just keep breathing and keep it simple and call it even at the end of the day. Hope you are keeping it simple and straightforward as well! It sounds like in the big scheme of things you're super aware of yourself and on the exponential curve upwards man, and with any big gains comes little falls, so keep leanin forward and doin the best you can aye?!

 

I feel the same way about trying to focus on surviving the basics of life instead of focusing on the complex issues that I really can’t control. What are some ways you are doing this, cause it’s harder than I thought it would be.

Also for clarification, I’m not gay or bisexual, and I’m also not into my mom lol, these are porn induced fetishes. These are strictly within the range of porn, and never have been presented in my real life... it was more of the taboo of the situation then me sexualizing men, same thing now with the incest. The gay shit had no effect on me now, abstaining from pmo back then made that go away pretty quick, now I’m stuck with this incest shit, and I feel it’s even harder because it has women which is what I’m interested in.

 

Ah, yeah, I see I see. Do you find yourself reaching for the taboo stuff when your real life is going more like shite? I got this quote Lincoln said written on my white board, goes like "I may walk slowly, but never backwards." I like to think of myself as someone who can handle stress and change and shit going sideways but in reality I can't be a very interesting, broad human on the outside without porn, drink and drugs as a crutch in my private life, so I've had to really accept that I need to put in a good couple years of being a pretty normal, hard working and boring shmuck to find some some real peace and balance. The second I start getting ahead of myself, I get all frickin hot and resort to my bullshit, like downing a 75 of whiskey after family christmas lol...

So yeah, as far as focus on the basics goes, I used to read a lot of heavy literature, now I'm just reading what will really interest me right now, even if it's just time magazine or the local paper. I've been a fan of that crazy dutchman Wim Hof since I saw him on Rogan's podcast and have taken to his heavy breathing and cold shower habits, which really helps keep stress in check. As well as working out of course. And taking morning walks along the river. And I'm really focusing on cooking and not just following recipies or heating shit up, but I bought a bunch of spices and I'm experimenting with new stuff every night. And I'm playing the guitar a lot and like using it as a drum like I'm a neandrothal around the fire at night lol. And doin the meditation thing daily. I guess just on the whole trying to get out of my mind and into my senses, but you're right it really is a struggle. A simple life takes like the highest of skill to do well I reckon. The most helpful thing for me has been to accept that I'm going to have to be a boring dude that sticks to a pretty tight schedule for a while and doesn't have any quick solutions or answers to anything, as long as I can accept that my days flow pretty well.

 

It doesn’t matter how I feel when I reach for the taboo shit, it usually starts with something in the regular porn becoming boring, then a new idea arises and dopamine and adrenaline join the idea and there is some shock effect that causes insane arousal. I could be out playing b-ball and all of a sudden start thinking about incest porn and I’ll get a rush and I’ll start to crave watching it. I remember at work a few months back, I was craving incest porn everyday, well not the porn but that “shock” feeling, that feeling of adrenaline and wrongness. That’s were somebody should cross a line, especially since I been down this path before with gay stuff, but instead I kept pushing, and now I’m back to where I was before. ( except this time I’m not at all aroused by gay stuff, just incest only)

Also the more I pmo to the taboo porns, the stronger the hold gets on me, and the more distant from reality I become.

 

@TreyBall Yeah man, thems vicous cycles, that sucks, no doubt about it. You have any access to psychologist type person? I was under my mom's health insurance for like a decade and I never took advantage of that shit, I really regret not putting my pride aside and tappin into private therapy sessions when I had the option over the last few years.

 

I don’t know if I do, and honestly I believe I don’t need it. I have the tools to win, I beat porn addiction before and my life went back to being great, I can do it again. It’s all mental my friend, it’s in our heads that we can’t win, when the urges come, we must resist, it’s a mental battle bro. I know my biggest trigger and I will work on avoiding it, I will win, and so will you.