Embarassing moment.

I remember when I was on a 60 day streak, I joined a sports club. And we were teamed up by our instructor each round I believe. The vast majority there was guys.
One time the timer rung and one blonde girl was without a partner. So the instructor was thinking aloud, should she go to 'maybethereisfutureforme' or to this other guy, let's call him Gary. Gary is the most popular guy there basically.
There was utter silence.
So he, the trainer says to her you go with Gary.
And I say to Gary, You got her. Which in my language be rather something like "You receive her".
And I remember feeling so ashamed for this.

I said this as if she was an object and as if there was a competition over her. I didn't know her very well but previously we had exchanged a few words, she had complimented me for my technique I believe. So she thought of me positively. But after this comment of mine I feel she avoided me and looked at me differently. The course came to an end one or two weeks later but still.

I felt so bad, so exposed. I think this was one of the main reasons I relapsed shortly after this.

I was doing so good. 60 days. And on top of that challenging myself and going to this sports course. But still my past, my addiction seeps through and embarasses me to that level.

How can I get over the brainwashing of porn that I received for many many years? I could watch hundreds of brautiful women talking to the camera on youtube to unbrainwash myself. But I can't seem to focus and I feel that my face gives away that I marvel at their beauty and have never had women as friends.

 

That sounds funny idk why u stressin. they probably both forgot about it as soon as they left the course.

 

Yeah maybe I said it with a more fun type of intention at that moment. Thanks!

But in general I recognize that I have this tendency to look at women as some extraordinary creatures.
I don't know how to not put a woman I'm attracted to on a pedastal.

 

Thank you!
Might see it as a compliment too, true.
And I will check out Fight the new drug. I have one 1 hour long podcast where they talk to Terry Crews on my pc. I think I have watched it 2 or 3 times, have almost memorized it.
So I think checking out some more of their stuff especially the website might be worth it too.

 

Don't overthink. Besides who cares? Imo it was light hearted.

 

If I meant it in an objectifying manner and speaking of her as a 'prize' then of course I care to change my thinking. Not only for her and women but for myself aswell, isn't it.
But you're right. It's done and over with. No need to dwell on it now. With the lesson/realization that I want to see women just as people.

 

I believe you're overthinking it, simply because you know that it came from a very deep and insensitive place in your heart.
The one that's perhaps hooked on pornography.

I suggest you stop stressing about it. If you really want to, you can try and apologize to her, if you meet her again.